Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Full Tilt Poker Jobs Advert – The Truth

Job listing ads are only behind real estate agents and used car salesmen when it comes to the use of euphemisms, spin and – well – outright lies. As a candidate it is difficult to tell whether an amazing opportunity is for career progression - or whether you will be giving the company an opportunity to exploit your desperate need for money – while letting them crush your self-esteem, soul and if applicable your balls too…

This blog likes to think of itself as a public service as well as a satire blog which abruptly stopped being funny some time in 1Q 2010 – and so we sent the Melted Felt mole to look into the truth behind those Full Tilt customer service positions advertised at Irish Jobs websites. Using special x-ray glasses, combined with those ever-babbling head-voices... we came up with what those adverts were really saying:

Experienced Multilingual Customer Service Reps Required (Swahili)

Melted Felt is hiring and has an urgent need for experienced multilingual Customer Service representatives. With a pitiful salary which will hardly meet the rent in your flea-ridden hole somewhere in Dublin 96, and collaborative environment you will be offered plenty of opportunities to keep your mouth shut, your nose clean and to not (under any circumstances) let the bastards grind you down.

You will work closely with the Senior operations manager for multi-lingual support, particularly closely in his office, with the door locked and on your knees if you do not make your almost impossible targets. He is not fussy, so you should not think that just being male exempts you from *ahem* ‘appraisals’.

Responsibilities / Accountabilities

- A Key part of an expanding team of underpaid whipping boys
- Representing the company by being the first person to completely ignore support requests
- Guaranteeing that you will accept or decline requests to move to rakeback completely at random.
- Ability to ignore phone calls, e-mails and faxes as part of a team in a collaborative environment.
- Ability to meet targets, or to swallow if you miss them.
- Must show excellent attention to denying things which customers already have in writing and locking accounts for no good reason.
- Flexibility in working hours, including weekends, holidays, nights and whenever the fvck we tell you to work you worthless monkey.

Skills / Experience Required

- 2-3 Years flipping burgers, laboring or babysitting... ok then, 2 years of anything at all, nope? fvck it, a pulse will do.
- Excellent organizational skills including the ability to get on a bus every morning and turn up on time
- Experience in copy and pasting
- Ability to make IT, Finance and Operational staff feel superior to you at all times, keep those eyes down as you pass me, you CS low-life
- Excellent e-mail deleting skills, including complete failure to locate previous correspondence on a range of subjects
- Ability to grunt in a range of languages
- Knowledge of poker software clients including the correct operation of doomswitches a distinct advantage
- Your own set of kneepads

These roles are urgent, so please send in your CV as quickly as possible – start date was yesterday, so we already gave you a written warning and docked your pay, you scumbag.

MF

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