While Bernard Tapie goes and sulks with a nice bottle of gran cru, we bring you the shocking news that the only thing stopping the imminent acquisition of Full Tilt Poker by Pokerstars is the (small) matter of Bitar’s balls.
Yes, we can exclusively reveal that Melted Felt has also heard the rumors that the world’s biggest poker site are going to climb their proverbial step-ladded and sh1t on their rivals from a great height by buying FTP for $750 million in cash.
What you might not have heard is the sensitive discussions going on RIGHT NOW about the nut-sack of the former big boss at Full Tilt – Ray Bitar.
While $750 million might seem like a lot of money, the cherry on top of the deal would be to take Ray’s balls, have them preserved in white gold and then display them for the world to see in backlit glass case in the lobby of Pokerstars HQ on the Isle of Man.
Apparently, whether players get paid back depend on how strongly Mr Bitar feels about future games of pocket billiards. Insider sources are saying that the DoJ have already agreed to tax audit, erm, no, sorry, I mean’t pay back the US players for the sum of $330 million and Bitar’s RIGHT gonad. While players from that smelly, dangerous and insignificant country known as the ‘Rest of the world’ are hoping that Ray’s LEFT ball will free them from arduous play-through requirements…
While the rest of the poker press goes into respin and rewrite mode, desperately pretending to have actual ‘news’ – Melted Felt is pleased to announce that we have exclusive information on the future plans of the world’s biggest poker site… yes dear readers, not only are they trying to get the bollocks of their former biggest rival, Dipshit Anrag’s Kidney and Calvin Ayre’s nipples are now well within their sights…
Remember, you heard it here first.