Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Poker Dating Site To Launch

After becoming increasingly concerned that many of their most valued player’s only contact with the opposite sex was through tube sites – a group of leading poker sites today announced their plans for a dating site aimed specifically at nerdy multi-tablers.

This new site will try and coax the individuals from the darkened basements, by promising contact with real life women – with tits and everything.

Obviously some of the usual elements of success in socializing and dating will need to be replaced for this new site. With post count at 2+2 considered more important than good looks, BB/100 being as good as any measure with which to replace physical fitness and progress towards supernova elite negating any issues with personal odors.

Beta Testing Phase

Beta testing revealed that communication was still an issue, especially in the early stages of setting up a dating encounter. After some experimenting it was found that 12 tabling the chat interactions and using time-banks for the difficult questions like ‘where would you like to go on a date?’ and 'so what do you do when not playing poker?' made the service more realistic for the guys involved.

At one point the whole beta had to be stopped, while the terms and conditions were changed to ban the continual use of the word ‘retard’, which was upsetting the ladies. The bigger problem was that  (unlike on the forums) the trial participants did not figure that they would eventually have to turn up in person at some point – with many of the early participants saying they would not have made those death threats or playboy boasts if they actually knew that the person would eventually find out they were a pale and bony 5’2” nerd with social interaction issues.

Some of the first dates ended up in a little confusion, when Tracy, a bubbly blonde from Vancouver, found out the hard way that the $2 million ‘Balla’ Jeff claimed to be earning each year was only expected winnings. For him to make that much would have required that his raises were actually respected enough that he could move up levels to where there were less fvcking donkeys… though he did have a graph to prove it. It is not that Tracy was purely a material girl you understand, it just that there is a big gap between the Bentley she was expecting and being dropped off by Mom when he eventually showed up…

Another date, between Kevin, a SNG grinder from the UK and Sharon, a slightly dizzy fat bird with a with tied back hair and a green shell-suit, had to be called off. Not only was Sharon confused as to why the constant stream of bad beat stories kept interrupting the chat about the latest Beyonce single – Kevin insisted on continually leaving the restaurant at 5 to the hour for his usual synchronized breaks.

The Future

Testing is now over for the new site, subscriptions can be won online in freerolls with $3 prize pools populated by 15,000 Eastern Europeans.

 Melted Felt believes that this new dating site could really help to get those grinders back into the gene pool – we look forward to the time when those real women (with tits and everything) are desperate and / or drugged up enough to go within 10 fvcking miles of it…


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Bernard Tapie New Poker Site, The Inside Information

The deal between Full Tilt and GBT might have fallen through, but this may not be the end of Bernard Tapie’s involvement in the lucrative world of online poker. It seems after doing the math and realizing just how much money online poker sites make for doing close to bugger-all… Bernard Tapie Group are looking to launch their very own online poker network – White Flag Poker.

Named after the French tradition of running away as fast as possible shouting ‘oh la la’ if anyone points a gun in their general direction – then hurling insults and being inexplicably proud from a safe distance – this site will have many unique features which are sure to make it a success among online poker players.

First up, there will not be any fold button. After extensive research into the existing French sites, it was found this button has only ever been used 3 times - ever. Once was a misclick, with the unfortunate player falling asleep after a particularly good bottle of Merlot and hitting the wrong button with his beaky Gallic nose. The 2 remaining clicks came from a German, who signed up on the French poker sites for a thigh-slappingly good joke, ja!

Next the VIP club aspect of this site will be completely transformed from anything seen so far. Players will collect garlic cloves, which will need to be continually replaced as they are virtually ‘munched’ at the tables. Once a player has enough cloves they will start to make their way through a series of levels, each with bigger and better benefits courtesy of the European Union grants office. Here is an outline of the scheme:

100 Cloves – Mild Indifference Level – French players can swagger around a little, play the occasional freeroll and exchange their cloves for  that subtle but very real feeling that, well, the French way is superior.

500 Cloves – Nonchalant Level – At this level a flick of the fringe, a curious look down the nose at everyone else and lips pursed in that ‘don’t you dare disturb me’ way are allowed, along with reload bonuses.

1000 Cloves – Irritable Level – Don’t you fvcking dare go near these garlic munching experts, their ruffled brow and wildly gesticulating hands can knock the liver clean out of a force-fed duck at 20 paces. Players entering this level get a free Beret emblazoned with the White Flag ‘Surrender Monkey’ logo.

10,000 Cloves – Truly Arrogant Level – The garlic-munching equivalent of a supernova elite, those players at the truly arrogant level will have the automatic right to strike whenever they (even slightly) disagree with anything while tutting impatiently at people from other nations who even attempt to speak to them in French.

Rumors are circulating that there are some big bonuses in store for when White Flag Poker launches in 2073, and that many innovative side-games involving blockading ports and cleaning hotel rooms while keeping away from DSK are in development.


Breaking: Damn, just about to post this one when I heard rumors that Pokerstars are to make a bid for them…

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