Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Named after the French tradition of running away as fast as possible shouting ‘oh la la’ if anyone points a gun in their general direction – then hurling insults and being inexplicably proud from a safe distance – this site will have many unique features which are sure to make it a success among online poker players.
First up, there will not be any fold button. After extensive research into the existing French sites, it was found this button has only ever been used 3 times - ever. Once was a misclick, with the unfortunate player falling asleep after a particularly good bottle of Merlot and hitting the wrong button with his beaky Gallic nose. The 2 remaining clicks came from a German, who signed up on the French poker sites for a thigh-slappingly good joke, ja!
Next the VIP club aspect of this site will be completely transformed from anything seen so far. Players will collect garlic cloves, which will need to be continually replaced as they are virtually ‘munched’ at the tables. Once a player has enough cloves they will start to make their way through a series of levels, each with bigger and better benefits courtesy of the European Union grants office. Here is an outline of the scheme:
100 Cloves – Mild Indifference Level – French players can swagger around a little, play the occasional freeroll and exchange their cloves for that subtle but very real feeling that, well, the French way is superior.
500 Cloves – Nonchalant Level – At this level a flick of the fringe, a curious look down the nose at everyone else and lips pursed in that ‘don’t you dare disturb me’ way are allowed, along with reload bonuses.
1000 Cloves – Irritable Level – Don’t you fvcking dare go near these garlic munching experts, their ruffled brow and wildly gesticulating hands can knock the liver clean out of a force-fed duck at 20 paces. Players entering this level get a free Beret emblazoned with the White Flag ‘Surrender Monkey’ logo.
10,000 Cloves – Truly Arrogant Level – The garlic-munching equivalent of a supernova elite, those players at the truly arrogant level will have the automatic right to strike whenever they (even slightly) disagree with anything while tutting impatiently at people from other nations who even attempt to speak to them in French.
Rumors are circulating that there are some big bonuses in store for when White Flag Poker launches in 2073, and that many innovative side-games involving blockading ports and cleaning hotel rooms while keeping away from DSK are in development.
Breaking: Damn, just about to post this one when I heard rumors that Pokerstars are to make a bid for them…