Thursday, 21 June 2012

Shock As G20 To Bail Out Spain With T$

Nothing’s shocking to us at Melted Felt HQ any more, especially in love, poker and politics. It is the latter that we turn to today, with the G20 meeting of America and 19 insignificant little countries who like getting told what to do draws to a close in Mexico.

You see, the Spanish have been borrowing too much money for years, mostly from Germany. They have spent most of it on German cars, and houses – which as everyone knows only ever go up in price right up until the day they don’t. With insolvent banks, corrupt regions and massive unemployment their economy is simply not generating enough tax receipts to pay their debts… and their banks, well, they would be royally fvcked if it were not for the fact that housing loans which will never be paid back are marked as ‘a-ok!’ on their balance sheets.

Germany don’t want to bail them out, though would like to see them able to buy BMWs again soon. France would love to bail them out with German money, at the same time as royally fvcking their own economy by bringing in draconian socialist rules to chase away the few remaining profitable business… and the rest of Europe does not really count, since they have no money anyway.

With Obama pushing hard to see a bailout of Spain (and Italy too) in place. A compromise was sought… involving the use of Pokerstars tournament dollars.

Tournament dollars (known as T$) are good for entry into any scheduled tournament or sit and go – and can be exchanged for cash at 5% fee with all manner of online websites.

There are thought to be several advantages of passing $600,000,000,000 tournament dollars to the Spanish government – with the main one the fact that no approval is required from the Bundesbank, and, well, even JP Morgan do not have derivative contracts shorting them at the same time advising their more gullible clients to ‘buy buy buy’ (yet).

With this many tournament dollars the youth unemployment of 217% can be quickly solved by turning the ex-builders into Sit N Go grinders. While cashouts of the T$ will be somewhat restricted by the Spanish governments $1000 per day limit, it is hoped that this vital supply of real cash will start making its way to their treasury just as soon as they send 2 forms of Id, one with a picture, along with a bank statement or utility bill.

Sklansky dollars were apparently given serious consideration, however this was dropped after it turned out that the entire Greek economy has been using these for years - and, well, it did not work out too well for them.

We asked Pokerstars to comment on the terms of the T$ bailout. Unfortunately, even a year later, our contact was still too busy p1ssing himself laughing about Full Tilt’s demise to put together any meaningful reply.


Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Hellmuth Bluffs His Way To 7-Card Stud Glory

Here at Melted Felt HQ we already had a lot of respect for Phil Hellmuth. I mean, how many other poker pros could get so much cash from corrupt poker site Ultimate Bet, then get away squeaky clean and smelling of oh-so-beautifully scented roses?

Oh yeah,  a little *grudging* respect for accumulating 12 World Series Of Poker bracelets too.

In fact, it is number 12 which we wanted to focus on today… 7 card stud is a tough game with many hardened pros having 60 years of experience already – and, well, Phil took baby cards after baby card and bluffed them out of every damn pot.

Apparently it all started with a pair of aces in the hole and a two showing. Phil decided to raise and got a couple of callers looking like they had small split pairs. No messing about when brick baby cards fell on 4th and 5th, Phil just kept on firing, one of his opponents paired 6th and Hellmuth caught the 3rd ace – he fired, hoping for a re-raise, and *boom* his opponent laid it down.

Confused as to why someone who looked like they improved while his board looked like a bust would fold, Phil checked out the fortitude of a couple of the other players around. When they too sighed and folded to his board showing baby cards, Phil decided that the $5k 7-card stud event was full of the weakest players ever put on the earth.

He continued bluffing them, some confusion at one showdown, where it did look like his opponent had trips to beat his small 2-pair… must have been an unseen straight or something, right?

As they got down to the final few tables, the guy who was labeled as the player who could not diversify out of Holdem was on a roll. At one point he was literally raising every time he had a baby card – representing trips in the hole. At one point Phil did comment that he had not actually been informed about the rule change which meant that the highest card, and not the lowest had to bring in… but everyone seemed cool with it, so he simply put it down to not keeping up with the latest trends in poker in general due to focus on his business interests.

Along came the money bubble and Phil decided that, while his table continued to play this weak, he would bluff every single time he had small cards on board.  Just before the final table he made a masterful lay-down after pairing his King door card and facing a 4-bet re-raise, the guy must have had an open ended straight and flush combo with those small cards – meaning he was not a favorite by 7th street.

Even the final table seemed to be full of the weakest 7 card stud players ever, with kings and queens mucked on 3rd street even with nothing higher behind. With the bracelet approaching and the $180k prize money not such a big deal – Hellmuth saw no need to switch from his beautifully executed plan and bluffed his way to a historic 12th bracelet.

We would like to offer our respect, and to note that critics all over the world have been well and truly silenced.

Now, who is going to tell him that the game was Razz?


Sunday, 3 June 2012

Queen Elizabeth Celebrates Jubilee With A Bit Of Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo

As millions of vaguely anti-monarchy Britons stumble over the simple come-back that 'surely she is preferable to come corporate sponsored president...?' The rest of Britain and some odd bits of the commonwealth celebrate 60 years of Her Majesties reign.

I though this ‘istoric’ occasion as suitable to reveal a little secret about Queen Liz which the royal household has been sworn to secrecy over – that she is rather partial to a bit of mid-stakes Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo when not, erm, opening things or attending banquets.

None other than the Melted Felt mole got the insider interview with the regal great gran herself.

“My Husband and I,” she began in traditional fashion, “do enjoy an evening of $2 / $4 PLO8 after an exausting day of reigning over people”. Continuing, “Ones favorite hands are those in which an unfortunate subject gets themselves quartered, winning half of the low while one takes the high side of the pot”, smiling over her reading glasses, HRH went on, “Phillip and I enjoy shouting ‘Hung, Drawn and.... Quartered!’ on these occasions – such a shame that those commoners in one’s parliament made it illegal in real life”.

“One plays on William Hill Poker, which is the only online poker site named after one of the royal family”, The Queen Continued, “Besides, the iPoker Network is full of donks, we generally play only one table", She laughs "after all, as one of the World's richest people, one hardly needs an under-the-counter rakeback deal, does one now?"

The Mole asked about any particularly notable hands or poker incidents the Royals have been involved in:

“Well, one did have to ban ones husband (Prince Phillip) from the 2+2 forums when he started a thread calling for commonwealth-only tables to avoid those ‘unwashed Eastern European fellows’ contaminating his tables” Lizzy went on, “that got him an infraction, and while Phillip is a big fan of his name-sake Phil Ivey, commenting that he is ‘Dashed fine player for a dark chap’ was enough to get his account completely revoked”.

We asked whether any other members of the Royal family were into poker?

“One is not sure whether one could count Sarah Ferguson’s attempts to be a freeroll whore?” started the Queen, “though apparently Zara Phillips quite enjoys Party Bingo” She paused for a moment,”Ah, or course, one nearly forgot, Prince Harry plays regular live poker games with his weekly Ginger support group...”

At this point the Queen had to leave to prepare for the big party for her 60th year on the throne. We could not get her to divulge her screen name, or ascertain whether giving her a bad-beat accounted to actual treason (which still carries the death penalty in England).

All we do is wish Her Majesty all the best for the next 60 years on the throne, no, wait a moment….


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