Sunday, 3 June 2012

Queen Elizabeth Celebrates Jubilee With A Bit Of Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo

As millions of vaguely anti-monarchy Britons stumble over the simple come-back that 'surely she is preferable to come corporate sponsored president...?' The rest of Britain and some odd bits of the commonwealth celebrate 60 years of Her Majesties reign.

I though this ‘istoric’ occasion as suitable to reveal a little secret about Queen Liz which the royal household has been sworn to secrecy over – that she is rather partial to a bit of mid-stakes Pot Limit Omaha Hi-Lo when not, erm, opening things or attending banquets.

None other than the Melted Felt mole got the insider interview with the regal great gran herself.

“My Husband and I,” she began in traditional fashion, “do enjoy an evening of $2 / $4 PLO8 after an exausting day of reigning over people”. Continuing, “Ones favorite hands are those in which an unfortunate subject gets themselves quartered, winning half of the low while one takes the high side of the pot”, smiling over her reading glasses, HRH went on, “Phillip and I enjoy shouting ‘Hung, Drawn and.... Quartered!’ on these occasions – such a shame that those commoners in one’s parliament made it illegal in real life”.

“One plays on William Hill Poker, which is the only online poker site named after one of the royal family”, The Queen Continued, “Besides, the iPoker Network is full of donks, we generally play only one table", She laughs "after all, as one of the World's richest people, one hardly needs an under-the-counter rakeback deal, does one now?"

The Mole asked about any particularly notable hands or poker incidents the Royals have been involved in:

“Well, one did have to ban ones husband (Prince Phillip) from the 2+2 forums when he started a thread calling for commonwealth-only tables to avoid those ‘unwashed Eastern European fellows’ contaminating his tables” Lizzy went on, “that got him an infraction, and while Phillip is a big fan of his name-sake Phil Ivey, commenting that he is ‘Dashed fine player for a dark chap’ was enough to get his account completely revoked”.

We asked whether any other members of the Royal family were into poker?

“One is not sure whether one could count Sarah Ferguson’s attempts to be a freeroll whore?” started the Queen, “though apparently Zara Phillips quite enjoys Party Bingo” She paused for a moment,”Ah, or course, one nearly forgot, Prince Harry plays regular live poker games with his weekly Ginger support group...”

At this point the Queen had to leave to prepare for the big party for her 60th year on the throne. We could not get her to divulge her screen name, or ascertain whether giving her a bad-beat accounted to actual treason (which still carries the death penalty in England).

All we do is wish Her Majesty all the best for the next 60 years on the throne, no, wait a moment….


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