Wednesday, 18 July 2012

World Series Final Table Hailed As Blandest Ever

Poker journalists around the globe were sent scurrying to their ‘Bumper Book Of Tired Clich├ęs’ yesterday, as the blandest ever World Series of poker final table was formed.

8 Americans make up the ‘October 9’ with the foreign body being a previous WPT winner from Hungary. A thorough investigation revealed that the 9 players have only managed to chalk up 3.5 interesting life experiences between the lot of them. While their parents go on record as saying that they always knew that their son would break through, and the parents of the 2-million+ other dropouts who will never ever make it pour themselves a large gin and tonic… we run through the 9 dull-as-fvck poker pros who look set to show the world just how tedious poker really is this coming October:

Jesse Sylvia – 44m Chips – Poker pro who has not really won much, reminds people of that restless half-hour before calling mom on a Sunday evening.

Andras Koroknai – 29m Chips – Poker pro from Hungary. While this country can be found on a map, most people who try get distracted while trying it, forget what they were supposed to be doing, and wander off to make a cup of coffee instead.

Greg Merson – 28m Chips – Poker pro, already won a 6-max bracelet, about as personally interesting as watching a coat of light-grey paint slowly dry.

Russell Thomas – 25m Chips – Sensationally breaks the monotony by not being a poker pro! Instead this final tablist is an, an, an… Accountant, well that makes things much more exciting then…

Steven Gee – 17m Chips – Another poker pro and another previous bracelet winner. Steven has the distinction of being completely dull before many of the other 9 were even born.

Michael Esposito – 16m Chips – Poker Pro with a lot of previous tournament experience, right, I’ll table a break from writing this post and go and watch my lawn grow…

Robert Salaburu – 15m Chips – Poker pro from Texas with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics, none, whatsoever, nada, zip, zlich – he will probably win it.

Jacob Balsiger – 13m Chips – Young poker pro, the type of guy who reminds you that you are sat with your mouth wide open blankly watching the adverts, even though the remote control is in easy reach.

Jeremy Ausmus – 10m Chips – You guessed it, another poker pro… Do you find that the kettle boils much slower when you are watching it?

So, make a note in your calendars… this October will see a compelling reason to switch channels every 10 minutes or so from those re-runs of the Waltons, well, unless it is a particularly compelling episode.


Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Full Tilt News: Bitar Confident In Soap Handling Skills

Full Tilt Poker news comes in manic, intense bursts – copied by progressively more bland poker news sites, and commented on by endless people whose only real ‘rep’ comes from others just as utterly pointless as they are…

After more than a month of waiting, some progress seems to have occurred in the sale of Full Tilt to Pokerstars. With the shocking announcement that FTP CEO Ray Bitar may be risking a test of his soap-holding skills – by surrendering to the Feds in New York.

According to wholly unreliable sources, Bitar has been undergoing extensive training in specially built shower blocks in the basement of the FTP Isle of Man HQ. This training regime involved not dropping the soap in many high-stress situations, moving around with his back to the walls (while keeping those sphicter muscles tight) – and washing thoroughly without accidentally splashing the wrong guy... It has been suggested that Howard Lederer enthusiastically volunteered to get involved in this training regime - though it is not know exactly what *ahem* role he took.

We immediately sent the Melted Felt mole to Rikers Island, to get the scoop on expectations of the current residents… Maurice, 15 years into a life term for homicide, rape and assorted brutality against fluffy woodland creatures smacked his lips in anticipation at the prospect of the new arrival. Immediately professing his love for the chunky former CEO and offering a full ‘protection’, on the grounds that Ray would be new ‘girlfriend’ for the duration of any stay. Joe, in for arson and armed robbery quikly warned that Maurice's girlfriends usually meet with fatal accidents... though we found out later that Joe was a known liar, who had unfortunately tripped and fallen 6 floors to his death.

We also understood that Bitar himself would be planning a prison poker syndicate, and has promised to keep the cigarette 'buy-ins' of the inmates completely separate from the running costs of the card games, probably.

Letter To Staff

Adding fuel to the raging fires of speculation was an internal e-mail sent by Bitar to the Full Tilt staff. This mail indicated that Pokerstars would be taking over payments for July, which could be taken to mean that the deal is very close.

The mail did not specify whether payment would be made in T$ or W$ at this point, though apparently those who signed the transfer documents with no fuss would be given a branded lightweight Pokerstars optical USB mouse as a reward.

Could This Be It?

Of course it could all die down again, as things have a few times before.

If you would like to support Ray in his chivalrous sacrificial move, then I am sure a little KY would be gratefully received…


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