Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Full Tilt News: Bitar Confident In Soap Handling Skills

Full Tilt Poker news comes in manic, intense bursts – copied by progressively more bland poker news sites, and commented on by endless people whose only real ‘rep’ comes from others just as utterly pointless as they are…

After more than a month of waiting, some progress seems to have occurred in the sale of Full Tilt to Pokerstars. With the shocking announcement that FTP CEO Ray Bitar may be risking a test of his soap-holding skills – by surrendering to the Feds in New York.

According to wholly unreliable sources, Bitar has been undergoing extensive training in specially built shower blocks in the basement of the FTP Isle of Man HQ. This training regime involved not dropping the soap in many high-stress situations, moving around with his back to the walls (while keeping those sphicter muscles tight) – and washing thoroughly without accidentally splashing the wrong guy... It has been suggested that Howard Lederer enthusiastically volunteered to get involved in this training regime - though it is not know exactly what *ahem* role he took.

We immediately sent the Melted Felt mole to Rikers Island, to get the scoop on expectations of the current residents… Maurice, 15 years into a life term for homicide, rape and assorted brutality against fluffy woodland creatures smacked his lips in anticipation at the prospect of the new arrival. Immediately professing his love for the chunky former CEO and offering a full ‘protection’, on the grounds that Ray would be new ‘girlfriend’ for the duration of any stay. Joe, in for arson and armed robbery quikly warned that Maurice's girlfriends usually meet with fatal accidents... though we found out later that Joe was a known liar, who had unfortunately tripped and fallen 6 floors to his death.

We also understood that Bitar himself would be planning a prison poker syndicate, and has promised to keep the cigarette 'buy-ins' of the inmates completely separate from the running costs of the card games, probably.

Letter To Staff

Adding fuel to the raging fires of speculation was an internal e-mail sent by Bitar to the Full Tilt staff. This mail indicated that Pokerstars would be taking over payments for July, which could be taken to mean that the deal is very close.

The mail did not specify whether payment would be made in T$ or W$ at this point, though apparently those who signed the transfer documents with no fuss would be given a branded lightweight Pokerstars optical USB mouse as a reward.

Could This Be It?

Of course it could all die down again, as things have a few times before.

If you would like to support Ray in his chivalrous sacrificial move, then I am sure a little KY would be gratefully received…


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