Wednesday, 18 July 2012

World Series Final Table Hailed As Blandest Ever

Poker journalists around the globe were sent scurrying to their ‘Bumper Book Of Tired Clichés’ yesterday, as the blandest ever World Series of poker final table was formed.

8 Americans make up the ‘October 9’ with the foreign body being a previous WPT winner from Hungary. A thorough investigation revealed that the 9 players have only managed to chalk up 3.5 interesting life experiences between the lot of them. While their parents go on record as saying that they always knew that their son would break through, and the parents of the 2-million+ other dropouts who will never ever make it pour themselves a large gin and tonic… we run through the 9 dull-as-fvck poker pros who look set to show the world just how tedious poker really is this coming October:

Jesse Sylvia – 44m Chips – Poker pro who has not really won much, reminds people of that restless half-hour before calling mom on a Sunday evening.

Andras Koroknai – 29m Chips – Poker pro from Hungary. While this country can be found on a map, most people who try get distracted while trying it, forget what they were supposed to be doing, and wander off to make a cup of coffee instead.

Greg Merson – 28m Chips – Poker pro, already won a 6-max bracelet, about as personally interesting as watching a coat of light-grey paint slowly dry.

Russell Thomas – 25m Chips – Sensationally breaks the monotony by not being a poker pro! Instead this final tablist is an, an, an… Accountant, well that makes things much more exciting then…

Steven Gee – 17m Chips – Another poker pro and another previous bracelet winner. Steven has the distinction of being completely dull before many of the other 9 were even born.

Michael Esposito – 16m Chips – Poker Pro with a lot of previous tournament experience, right, I’ll table a break from writing this post and go and watch my lawn grow…

Robert Salaburu – 15m Chips – Poker pro from Texas with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics, none, whatsoever, nada, zip, zlich – he will probably win it.

Jacob Balsiger – 13m Chips – Young poker pro, the type of guy who reminds you that you are sat with your mouth wide open blankly watching the adverts, even though the remote control is in easy reach.

Jeremy Ausmus – 10m Chips – You guessed it, another poker pro… Do you find that the kettle boils much slower when you are watching it?

So, make a note in your calendars… this October will see a compelling reason to switch channels every 10 minutes or so from those re-runs of the Waltons, well, unless it is a particularly compelling episode.


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