Monday, 27 August 2012

Quick Fire Tuesday Poker News Roundup

What do you mean lack of posts? I’m posting once a month whether I feel like it or not.

Anyway, it’s Tuesday and time for an extensive roundup of the latest poker news. This week we have a drunk judge in the US, the iPoker Network creating fish-only tables and the fact that you are not going to win any events in the WCOOP, you loser.

Skill? Who You Kidding!

Federal Judge Jack Weinstein shocked the poker world last week by ruling that poker is a game of skill. Weinstein, who obviously has not been playing in any of the same games I have, said  that skill ‘predominates’. At the same time he ruled that the moon was made of green cheese, the dinosaurs went extinct in a giant game of reptilian Russian-roulette and that the price of houses could only ever go up.

At the same time Jon Pappas of the Poker Players Alliance has the audacity to use the ensuing press as to claim some kind of victory… Which reminds me, I had the idea of doing a post including a mailable refund form for donations given to that bunch of worthless clowns…

iPoker Network Going Fish Only

With the split of the iPoker network happening on the 1st September, players on this network will have to sign a disclaimer form clearly stating that they are Shit at Poker before being allowed to play.

Over the past couple of months, the individual sites have been closely monitored, and those network members with good players are being told to fvck right off… Leaving only the really dumb fish and pathetic loose-passive losers to play on the new ‘iPoker2’ tables.

My understanding is that the new marketing campaign for the fishy part of the network will be:

‘iPoker, Where Retards Donate Rake By Swapping Suckouts’ ™

So, you wanna play there?

Pokerstars WCOOP

Yep, the World Championship of shattered dreams is here again, where other people will win HUGE amounts of money in the feature poker tournaments while you min-cash a couple of them.

I know, I know, it’s very exciting at the moment, with satellites running and a nice chunk of your bankroll set aside to ‘take a shot’. Lets face it together though, eh? You know you are a fvcking loser, and I know you’re a fvcking loser… you are going to have a good start in one or two events, suffer a bad beat, fail to make moves at the right time, play your hand to obviously and get stolen from, then you’ll be down to 8 big blinds, have to shove, get called by a hand that is only 42% to win against you… and *boom* he’ll get there on the river.

Just get a job, some people are cut out for the glamour of being a poker pro… you, no, your just going to lose your bankroll.

Oh, and best of luck to everyone else!


Damn, forgot I was supposed to post this tomorrow.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Full Tilt Repayments To Include Tax, Socialization

It has been a long wait, dear Melted Felt readers, and at times it looked like those Full Tilt Poker bankrolls were lost forever… After black Friday and the shutdowns that followed, US players who had knowingly defrauded Full Tilt with dodgy eCheck deposits were at a low ebb, wishing they had pursed more respectable careers like crack-dealing or becoming patent-trolls.

Now the sun shines, the money deposited via eCheck and never collected is now owed to the Feds – and everyday players are wondering what the process will be to get their balances back.

We have the provisional process and have outlined this below. For all the 17 year olds ‘bigging it up’ by claiming they were former high rollers with tens of thousands locked up, whining 2+2 posts are not actually proof that you are owed the money…

Now, the fun aspect of the initial claims process is that records of several years play will be available to the DOJ, and the tax department. Of course, the 80% of losing players have nothing much to worry about here – however if you were one of the large numbers of people who used to play poker online ‘professionally’ and *ahem*  ‘forgot’ to pay taxes, well, the proverbial rubber glove is going to be rootling around your tax-dodging little asshole with no lube very soon indeed… and you know what is even funnier? If you don’t claim back your $$$ then your info will still be available… Ever send proof of Id for a cashout? Oh yes, it is only a matter of time before that knock on the door, only a matter of time before that court summons… only a matter of time before you hear the clunk of the lock in the cell door... only a matter of time before you become the 'girlfriend' of some psycho....

I mean, what were you thinking? Everyone knows that tax dodging is for the super-rich only - Right?


It seems that the DOJ have become concerned about the poker playing public while negotiations were taking place – and have made return of money dependent on a ‘resolialization’ program.

This is designed to get former grinders familiar with common situations outside of their darkened spare rooms or moms basements. It is hoped that by spending a week of role play, group therapy and listening to talks from people who actually provide productive services to society that grinders will belatedly get onto a path that could see them get by in normal life.

Expectations are low at this point, with a spokesman telling us that just a few percent of former players were expected to make it to the point of being able to have a normal adult conversation… Doing nothing was simply not an option for these college dropouts destined for years of dull manual labor once their prison sentences for tax evasion or shafting the Feds with eChecks that would never be cashed.

Ah, great to have some good poker news for a change, probably


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