Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Full Tilt Repayments To Include Tax, Socialization

It has been a long wait, dear Melted Felt readers, and at times it looked like those Full Tilt Poker bankrolls were lost forever… After black Friday and the shutdowns that followed, US players who had knowingly defrauded Full Tilt with dodgy eCheck deposits were at a low ebb, wishing they had pursed more respectable careers like crack-dealing or becoming patent-trolls.

Now the sun shines, the money deposited via eCheck and never collected is now owed to the Feds – and everyday players are wondering what the process will be to get their balances back.

We have the provisional process and have outlined this below. For all the 17 year olds ‘bigging it up’ by claiming they were former high rollers with tens of thousands locked up, whining 2+2 posts are not actually proof that you are owed the money…

Now, the fun aspect of the initial claims process is that records of several years play will be available to the DOJ, and the tax department. Of course, the 80% of losing players have nothing much to worry about here – however if you were one of the large numbers of people who used to play poker online ‘professionally’ and *ahem*  ‘forgot’ to pay taxes, well, the proverbial rubber glove is going to be rootling around your tax-dodging little asshole with no lube very soon indeed… and you know what is even funnier? If you don’t claim back your $$$ then your info will still be available… Ever send proof of Id for a cashout? Oh yes, it is only a matter of time before that knock on the door, only a matter of time before that court summons… only a matter of time before you hear the clunk of the lock in the cell door... only a matter of time before you become the 'girlfriend' of some psycho....

I mean, what were you thinking? Everyone knows that tax dodging is for the super-rich only - Right?

Socialization

It seems that the DOJ have become concerned about the poker playing public while negotiations were taking place – and have made return of money dependent on a ‘resolialization’ program.

This is designed to get former grinders familiar with common situations outside of their darkened spare rooms or moms basements. It is hoped that by spending a week of role play, group therapy and listening to talks from people who actually provide productive services to society that grinders will belatedly get onto a path that could see them get by in normal life.

Expectations are low at this point, with a spokesman telling us that just a few percent of former players were expected to make it to the point of being able to have a normal adult conversation… Doing nothing was simply not an option for these college dropouts destined for years of dull manual labor once their prison sentences for tax evasion or shafting the Feds with eChecks that would never be cashed.

Ah, great to have some good poker news for a change, probably

MF

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