Monday, 27 August 2012

Quick Fire Tuesday Poker News Roundup

What do you mean lack of posts? I’m posting once a month whether I feel like it or not.

Anyway, it’s Tuesday and time for an extensive roundup of the latest poker news. This week we have a drunk judge in the US, the iPoker Network creating fish-only tables and the fact that you are not going to win any events in the WCOOP, you loser.

Skill? Who You Kidding!

Federal Judge Jack Weinstein shocked the poker world last week by ruling that poker is a game of skill. Weinstein, who obviously has not been playing in any of the same games I have, said  that skill ‘predominates’. At the same time he ruled that the moon was made of green cheese, the dinosaurs went extinct in a giant game of reptilian Russian-roulette and that the price of houses could only ever go up.

At the same time Jon Pappas of the Poker Players Alliance has the audacity to use the ensuing press as to claim some kind of victory… Which reminds me, I had the idea of doing a post including a mailable refund form for donations given to that bunch of worthless clowns…

iPoker Network Going Fish Only

With the split of the iPoker network happening on the 1st September, players on this network will have to sign a disclaimer form clearly stating that they are Shit at Poker before being allowed to play.

Over the past couple of months, the individual sites have been closely monitored, and those network members with good players are being told to fvck right off… Leaving only the really dumb fish and pathetic loose-passive losers to play on the new ‘iPoker2’ tables.

My understanding is that the new marketing campaign for the fishy part of the network will be:

‘iPoker, Where Retards Donate Rake By Swapping Suckouts’ ™

So, you wanna play there?

Pokerstars WCOOP

Yep, the World Championship of shattered dreams is here again, where other people will win HUGE amounts of money in the feature poker tournaments while you min-cash a couple of them.

I know, I know, it’s very exciting at the moment, with satellites running and a nice chunk of your bankroll set aside to ‘take a shot’. Lets face it together though, eh? You know you are a fvcking loser, and I know you’re a fvcking loser… you are going to have a good start in one or two events, suffer a bad beat, fail to make moves at the right time, play your hand to obviously and get stolen from, then you’ll be down to 8 big blinds, have to shove, get called by a hand that is only 42% to win against you… and *boom* he’ll get there on the river.

Just get a job, some people are cut out for the glamour of being a poker pro… you, no, your just going to lose your bankroll.

Oh, and best of luck to everyone else!


Damn, forgot I was supposed to post this tomorrow.

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