Monday, 3 December 2012

New Poker Tracking System Unveils The Assholes At Your Table

While poker players intuitively know that they are playing against a bunch of assholes, statistical proof was – until now – hard to come by. All this has changed today, dear Melted Felt readers, with the unveiling of a new tracking system called Poker Asshole Ratings (PAR for short).

This software creates an overlay statistics display for online poker games, breaking down the characteristics of your opponents and enabling you to instantly identify the complete assholes at your table from the, erm, normal assholes.

All the major sites have approved this tool for use, and with a configurable display you will be able to optimize for the habits which drive you nuts.

Here is a selection of the criteria which PAR will highlight, including some made up acronyms, which should help to make you dull grinders feel superior to those who have not learned what they mean, huh?

The standard asshole rating will look like this 4 / 43% / 0.7 / Y / 4.5 and is comprised of the following information:

- VPITY (Voluntarily Put In ‘Thankyou’). This is a cumulative score of THE biggest asshole behavior of them all – the unsolicited thank you. Each time a player types TY into the chat box without anyone complimenting their hand our sophisticaled AA (asshole algorithm) will add a point to their score, doubling it after a suck out. All German players start with a max score of 10 (reduced after 10k hands as required), since everyone knows they will display this gutter-life behavior at every single f-ing opportunity – and probably have no idea how sad it makes them look.

- Cunt Time (CT%): This stat is displayed as a percentage, since we can never be completely sure that this asshole behavior is occurring on any single occasion, but can be sure enough over many hands. Cunt-time happens when a player raises, sees a 3 bet, a 4-bet and possibly even a cold call of that 4-bet – and still feels the need to go into his time-bank for a period of chin-stroking before folding. Since we know that the % of hands which are genuine tough decisions in this spot is tiny, the vast majority of the time the player is simply being an annoying little cunt by keeping everyone else waiting… repeat performers get a high CT% - we know who you are…

- Whining About Bad Beats: WABB score is on a log scale, with certain types of whining orders of magnitude worse than others. Every point on our scale doubles the asshole-factor, with complaining about bad cards at the bottom and complaining when an opponent made a call you absolutely wanted them to make and hitting their hand closer to the top end – whining incessantly when losing a 40% / 60% gets the top WABB score, and a tissue.

- Rigtard Total: This is for those players who believe that the weight of their $5 bet affected the weekend football scores, that their choices of activity affect the weather for millions of others, and that the poker games use sophisticated software to prevent them (and only them) from winning. The Higher RT scores are given to players who bet big when bluffing, slowplay horribly with aces and still cant figure out that the reason they lose is that they are actually shit at poker. Extra points are awarded to those sad fuckers who hang about whining in the chat box after they have busted, euuuch.

- General Twat Score: This is a single figure which sums up the overall asshole-factor of any player – allowing for quick comparisons. Additional factors, including uploading an avatar of a top model (I just know that many of these players think that others actually believe these to be them) or football mascots (especially for other countries). Creating names such as FEAR-AVENGER-X gets a couple more points (you twats!) and anyone showing just how much they know about poker strategy with names like 5betfold or ICMking get max extra points for putting their ego above profits.

We look forward to collecting as much information as possible, and will be creating a leaderboard of the top assholes by poker site for publication in the new year. Come on, you know I’m talking about you, yes, you – asshole.


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