Friday, 27 April 2012

Quick-Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Friday comes around damn quick these days, there you are on a Monday morning… and *boom* the world of online poker turns completely on its head and leaves you sitting slightly dazes and in need of a beer at the end of the week.

2+2 Forums Hacked!

We have some insider info on the 2+2 hacking which has left thousands surrying to poker sites and e-mail accounts which use the same password. Apparently this was not a highly qualified hacker at all… just an average user who took advantage of the fact that everybody at 2+2 was far too busy slapping each other on the back, telling each other how awesome they were and generally getting their post counts higher. With everyone that distracted it was just a case of walking in and taking the passwords...

Stars To Buy Full Tilt?

Well, this one is already covered in this post detailing that Bitar’s Balls are an important part of the deal. I am now starting to wonder how long the happy delusion that Stars strengthening their quasi-monopolistic grip on the market is actually a good thing will last…

Annette_15 Obrestadt Signs To Lock Poker

Well, who would have thought that the poker prodigy who once won a big tournament then disappeared into obscurity would be back in the news? Joining a stable of pro players which includes a long list of names nobody has ever heard of including such HUGE names as David Zeitlin and Joe Brooks will undoubtedly raise her profile sky high. Doors  are apparently being widened at Lock HQ for health and safety reasons, in case Obrestadt and Eric Lynch need to pass each other without getting stuck…

And Finally…

Lederer and Annie Duke have apparently been talking about business with worthy news source Poker Fuse. Now, normally this kind of thing would have been an easy pick for a Melted Felt post… Sorry folks, I tried, its just that I could not bring myself to use the word ethics in the same sentence as. Annie Duke.

MF

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Pokerstars Demand Bitar’s Balls As Part Of FTP Deal


While Bernard Tapie goes and sulks with a nice bottle of gran cru, we bring you the shocking news that the only thing stopping the imminent acquisition of Full Tilt Poker by Pokerstars is the (small) matter of Bitar’s balls.

Yes, we can exclusively reveal that Melted Felt has also heard the rumors that the world’s biggest poker site are going to climb their proverbial step-ladded and sh1t on their rivals from a great height by buying FTP for $750 million in cash.

What you might not have heard is the sensitive discussions going on RIGHT NOW about the nut-sack of the former big boss at Full Tilt – Ray Bitar.

While $750 million might seem like a lot of money, the cherry on top of the deal would be to take Ray’s balls, have them preserved in white gold and then display them for the world to see in backlit glass case in the lobby of Pokerstars HQ on the Isle of Man.

Apparently, whether players get paid back depend on how strongly Mr Bitar feels about future games of pocket billiards. Insider sources are saying that the DoJ have already agreed to tax audit, erm, no, sorry, I mean’t pay back the US players for the sum of $330 million and Bitar’s RIGHT gonad. While players from that smelly, dangerous and insignificant country known as the ‘Rest of the world’ are hoping that Ray’s LEFT ball will free them from arduous play-through requirements…

While the rest of the poker press goes into respin and rewrite mode, desperately pretending to have actual ‘news’ – Melted Felt is pleased to announce that we have exclusive information on the future plans of the world’s biggest poker site… yes dear readers, not only are they trying to get the bollocks of their former biggest rival, Dipshit Anrag’s Kidney and Calvin Ayre’s nipples are now well within their sights…

Remember, you heard it here first.

MF

Friday, 20 April 2012

Quick Fire Friday – Stu Ungar Hologram To Play 2012 WSOP And More!

Time for another edition of quick-fire Friday, the poker news roundup which tends to work for any day ending in ‘y’. I forgot about these kind of posts, oops. No need for an introductory paragraph really, it is just made up poker news after all – yeah yeah, been waiting for something genuinely interesting to happen for years, don’t hold your breath now…

First up, after the successful concert reincarnation of Tupak after 16 years of pushing up the daisies we are expecting the new-fangled technology to find its use in the World Series Of Poker real soon. Hotly tipped to be first on the tables is Stu Ungar, just as soon as they work out a way for a hologram to lift up the corners of the cards. We asked the holographic Stu whether he thought that he would be a match for the internet wiz-kids of today, to which he replied, ‘Inter-what?’

Next in this this hot news bulletin, some rebranding from Full Tilt has been spotted by eagle eyed obsessive-compulsives who take it in turns to press the refresh button 24 hours a day. It would see that Full Tilt are abandoning their old colors (you can remember them, right?) and going red and black instead, with an attractive red-spade logo. The old avatars are out and in their place will be small circles into which you can upload the photo or picture of your choice, with big red action buttons and a name which brings up thoughts of professional poker playing celebrities the lobby will feature a brand new name for Rush Poker, which will now be called ‘Z…. [Ed - hang on a moment here… you *sure* you did not click on Pokerstars by mistake?]

Pokerstars, ah yes, the internet poker giants from the Isle of man have just been entered into the Guiness book of records… for the longest continuous group laughing session, which started the day Full Tilt shut down. We expect the snickering to continue behind hands… will let you know.

Finally for this week the Melted Felt Quick Fire Friday Award for services to the reputation of online poker goes to… wait for it… a little longer… yeah I know this does not work in writing as you just skim… but pretend you are on the edge of your nerves waiting to find out – oh fvckit… Bet Online Poker. Not only does this companies right arm not know what their left leg is doing, but neither limb can tell their ass from their elbow.

What happened was they mailed all their players, many already nervous after a rash of *ahem* payment issues, and told them they were leaving their host network. Next the poker site was closed, then it was all ok again and nothing to worry about… thanks very much guys, it is people like you that the already bruised poker business really needs, not.

Until I think of something else to waffle on about.

MF

Friday, 13 April 2012

US Poker Roundup, UB and The PPA

As we approach the anniversary of Black Friday, there is movement on several different fronts when it comes to US online poker players getting the money stolen by their own ‘department of so-called-justice back’. Not only are the PPA back doing what they do best (raising cash for more ‘lunches’), the Feds might have just helped Cereus members UB and AP in deciding just how hard they get to laugh at their former players from their Caribbean hide-aways.

First the PPA, who famously failed to do anything whatsoever apart from burn the cash donated to them in good faith by thousands of players, and, erm, release press releases asking for more cash – have released another press release asking for more cash.

In a carefully worded piece, John Pappas omitted to mention all the money burned so far on travel and very expensive restaurants – and requested that American Poker players ‘stand up and fight’ by sending him more cash for nice dinners and other *ahem* miscellaneous expenses.

We look forward to you claiming someone else’s victory when regulation finally arrives, John.

Next some shocking news – former players at AP and UB who had written off their bankroll as ‘robbed’ may get something back after all. It has been reported that there are in-depth discussions going on with none other than the people who froze the money in the first place (for the good of innocent Christians who might have been affected by the blight of limping premium hands of course).


We are expecting an announcement soon about just how hard Russ Hamiliton’s crew will be able to laugh at former players on this once busy Poker Network. Here are the different options we are expecting from their Caribbean hide-aways soon.

- A small snikker behind the hand, which stops as soon as you look up and scowl.
- A hearty chuckle, complete with after-laugh just when you think it has reached a natural end.
- A spit-blowing booming great belly-laugh complete with red faced cheek puffing and the need to mop the brow afterwards.

We will of course let those players who paid taxes on their previous winnings and may thus be able to claim AP / UB and FTP bankrolls back from the Feds in the near future. For those of you who can not claim back anyway, please choose one of the laughs above.

Finally, the state of Utah have forced out the remaining poker sites. This was done easily by adding Poker to the list of ‘anything which makes people happy’, which is automatically banned in this state. Some people were apparently happy to see online poker banned, which has meant legislators sitting for an extended session to see how they can successfully ban that too…

MF

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Poker Avatars Really Matter

An more personal post today. I have been making notes while playing at the tables about the effect of different poker avatars that players upload… and wanted to share some of the results with readers so that you can improve your own games.

Anyway, here is what happened. It was in a cash game and I had a hand that could beat a bluff, but not much else. My opponent (who loved to check-raise) had donk-bet the entire pot on a dry board, which was nice. The turn went check-check and, with even the least likely of draws missing on the river another big bet came my way.

I sat there paralyzed by my choice – my 3rd pair was good to catch bluffs, but there were many hands in his range that I would be paying off. Then again if he had a strong hand this guy would have checked the flop and expected me to continuation bet on a board this dry… I had all but decided that the majority of the time his had was weak here and was about to call…. When.

When

When

When, I noticed that his avatar was of a fanged monster with red eyes and MASSIVE pointed teeth.

Fvck.

All sorts of things started going through my mind. This was obviously not an inexperienced fish I was dealing with, it was a TOUGH guy, a real FIERCE player who was going to rip me apart with his value bets – drain my blood with his cunning betting lines and mix up his tells to such a huge extent that it would crush my very soul into oblivion.

It did not matter that his bets in this hand (or any of the 2476 previous ones in my database) made absolutely no sense. It was insignificant that the many tracking systems had this guy as a long term losing player at several cash game levels, in tournament and especially in SNGs.

All that mattered was that he had taken the time to find a scary monster, all that mattered was that he thought that those red eyes and big fangs represented the KIND OF GUY HE REALLY WAS – all that mattered was that he was POWERFUL, while I, with my fluffy cat pic, was weak.

Well.

OK.

I called, he had the same nothing as always… after all, if someone is dumb enough to think that their scary avatars made the slightest bit of fvcking difference – well, they deserve to have their money taken away from them, right?

MF

PS: Next week I might just tell you the story of why I decided not to value bet a stunningly beautiful model from Finland... she was just tooo cute.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Full Tilt Poker Jobs Advert – The Truth

Job listing ads are only behind real estate agents and used car salesmen when it comes to the use of euphemisms, spin and – well – outright lies. As a candidate it is difficult to tell whether an amazing opportunity is for career progression - or whether you will be giving the company an opportunity to exploit your desperate need for money – while letting them crush your self-esteem, soul and if applicable your balls too…

This blog likes to think of itself as a public service as well as a satire blog which abruptly stopped being funny some time in 1Q 2010 – and so we sent the Melted Felt mole to look into the truth behind those Full Tilt customer service positions advertised at Irish Jobs websites. Using special x-ray glasses, combined with those ever-babbling head-voices... we came up with what those adverts were really saying:

Experienced Multilingual Customer Service Reps Required (Swahili)

Melted Felt is hiring and has an urgent need for experienced multilingual Customer Service representatives. With a pitiful salary which will hardly meet the rent in your flea-ridden hole somewhere in Dublin 96, and collaborative environment you will be offered plenty of opportunities to keep your mouth shut, your nose clean and to not (under any circumstances) let the bastards grind you down.

You will work closely with the Senior operations manager for multi-lingual support, particularly closely in his office, with the door locked and on your knees if you do not make your almost impossible targets. He is not fussy, so you should not think that just being male exempts you from *ahem* ‘appraisals’.

Responsibilities / Accountabilities

- A Key part of an expanding team of underpaid whipping boys
- Representing the company by being the first person to completely ignore support requests
- Guaranteeing that you will accept or decline requests to move to rakeback completely at random.
- Ability to ignore phone calls, e-mails and faxes as part of a team in a collaborative environment.
- Ability to meet targets, or to swallow if you miss them.
- Must show excellent attention to denying things which customers already have in writing and locking accounts for no good reason.
- Flexibility in working hours, including weekends, holidays, nights and whenever the fvck we tell you to work you worthless monkey.

Skills / Experience Required

- 2-3 Years flipping burgers, laboring or babysitting... ok then, 2 years of anything at all, nope? fvck it, a pulse will do.
- Excellent organizational skills including the ability to get on a bus every morning and turn up on time
- Experience in copy and pasting
- Ability to make IT, Finance and Operational staff feel superior to you at all times, keep those eyes down as you pass me, you CS low-life
- Excellent e-mail deleting skills, including complete failure to locate previous correspondence on a range of subjects
- Ability to grunt in a range of languages
- Knowledge of poker software clients including the correct operation of doomswitches a distinct advantage
- Your own set of kneepads

These roles are urgent, so please send in your CV as quickly as possible – start date was yesterday, so we already gave you a written warning and docked your pay, you scumbag.

MF

 
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