Monday, 16 December 2013

Lock Poker Take On Mandela Signer To Solve Withdrawal Issues

It has been a long week, dear Melted Felt readers, where greedy entitled lazy cunts all around the world have likened their quest to get more for doing less with the lifelong struggles of Nelson Mandela.

At least the sad death of such an epic guy had a happy ending for one individual.

With the scandal fake deaf signer Thamsanqa Jantjie still reverberating around the echo chamber of online news, we are happy to announce that he has found a new job in the poker industry.

Thamsanga has accepted the role of heading up withdrawals at Lock Poker, and will start as soon as he comes out of hiding.

You may be surprised at this appointment, but insiders are almost certainly not.

He has all the right qualifications, including:

-          - The balls to stand up in front of billions of people talking absolute nonsense (well, signing, but hey, that’s good enough for Lock).

-          - A prior conviction for Theft.  (ok, he did get caught, but nobody is perfect)

-        -   Got away with Murder. (probably!)

-          - Trusted enough to stand with world leaders including Obama. (as long as nobody checks)

Lock are 100% confident that Thamsanga will have the payout issues solved and the poker site back on track within days.

If not, well, it was all the Revolution Gaming network’s fault, and a rogue payment processor and some dodgy players pretending to be affiliates and… what issues? There are no fucking issues! Just one or two people, no big deal, they created the problem for themselves by doing something wrong, nope, we can’t tell you what, of course our payments are among the fastest in the industry… Just ask Tham.

MF




Wednesday, 4 December 2013

PokerStars To Deliver Bad-Beats By Drone

We know that PokerStars have lead the way in technology, dear Melted Felt readers, but today I can exclusively reveal an innovation that will simply blow your mind.

In 2014, bad beats will be delivered by Drone.

You’ll get to the turn way ahead, confident of hitting that final table or winning a huge cash game pot. Instead of seeing the river card online, you’ll hear the approaching hum of a quadcopter. This will arrive at your window with a box attached, which will contain your river card. Knowing your luck this will be that 2-outer that you were dreading, again.

Already accounting clerks who never shot anything bigger than a spud-gun have posted tough-sounding Facebook messages saying they’ll be hunting the drones down.

Already people who will never make anything happen in their entire lives have declared that nobody will be able to make it happen.

Already, you are starting to worry that 2014 will not actually be the year you ‘finally catch a break’, and wondering if losing all that money over a number of years can really be explained by being ‘good but unlucky’.

But What If I Win The Hand?

I get it. You want to know if the drones will also deliver winning cards, after all, if there are two people in the hand and no tie possible, then one of them has to win – right?

Wrong!

The thing is, that online poker is specifically rigged against you.

Yes, you.

That low value player from an average neighborhood whose main contribution to the poker world is the occasional whine in the chat-box.

An entire team of highly skilled programmers, psychologists and AI experts has come together to specifically rig the games to make you lose. The clever thing is that they have managed to do this while maintaining the randomness of the deal over billions of hands tracked by millions on individuals and tracking services.

Clever, eh?

This team have cunningly come together to take your $8 Sit N Go entry fees, a little more often than average, even though you’d lose it anyway over any significant sample size.

So, no problem with the drones bringing bad beats there then, you’ll hear the hum and know that the river card is going to beat you again.

We asked a spokesperson from Stars to comment, only they were far too busy laughing at the fact that their seasonal promotion is bigger than all the other poker sites, casinos and sports-betting operators combined to reply.

MF


Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Perfect Day (Poker Player's Reprise)

Oi, Reed, yes - YOU!

Bloody ageing rock stars going around snuffing it, only to leave their damn songs stuck in the head of owners of poker satire blogs which used to be funny... 

Just not on, not on at all.

*Ahem* anyway.

Thought I'd mark the occasion of the passing of yet another celeb I did not really know was still alive until he was not, with a poker players special version of 'Perfect Day'... This one is bound to bring tears to the eyes of all you fucking idiots who thought grinding for a living would 'set you free', enjoy.

Perfect (Poker) Day

What a perfect day, sat round in my underpants
Logged straight on to PokerStars, and then played
Ooh such a perfect day twelve tabling poker games
Then later a tourney too and then zoom

It’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it alone
Such a perfect day, you just keep me grinding on,
You just keep me grinding on

Such a perfect day, set, straight and a royal flush
I miss having friends sometimes, but not much
Such a perfect day, you just keep me grinding on
You just keep me grinding on

Such a perfect day, berated a fish or two
Made me feel special though, really good
Such a perfect day, not corporate slavery
Just sitting here really free, in the dark

Oh it’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it alone
Such a perfect day, you make me forget myself
I thought I was someone else, someone good

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow
VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow

MF





Friday, 25 October 2013

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Its Friday, the favorite day of the week for people who think 2 days off in a row is reason enough to live the life of a slave! Friday used to mean a roundup of the poker news every week here at Melted Felt. That was in the good-old days, when this blog used to be funny. Now as the world’s only poker satire blog what is *officially* no longer funny, I am proud to bring you the Friday roundup slightly less often than I can be bothered – if that.

Anyway, this is the paragraph where I summarize the week’s news and tell you how fucking exciting it is. Whoop whoop, its great this week, awesome, poker is really very interesting, no, you are not dull at all, poker players are balla, I mean, whooo, cool and everything.

Ok?

Good.

I’ll crack on with the roundup then.

Negreanu Wins Poker Beard Of The Year Award


Despite some stiff competition from whiskered poker players around the world, motor mouthed Negreanu’s rather thin though delicately trimmed beard has won him the ultimate accolade of Poker Beard of The Year 2013.

It was a close call, McEnvoy threatened to write more of his atrocious books if his grey fuzz did not get some votes. Sklansky got his lawyer involved to verify that less than 10% of his beard was made up of the pubes of women half his age, and late contender Annette Obrestadt was disqualified after it was found her mustache was actually chocolate milkshake.

Tom Dwan has threatened to enter the race next year… if someone could please tell him exactly how one grows a beard?

Indian Court Declares Poker A Game Of Skill


I’m surprised this one did not make the headlines, since poker players are usually so anal about their ‘skill’ element (even though 95% of them would be financially better off playing casino games).

Anyway, this was a high up court, and has set a useful precedent for this country of almost a billion people. We are still waiting for the outcome of a test case to find out whether forum spamming is skill or luck…


Big One For The Drop Back In 2014


Good news for people who have a spare million, the ‘Big One For The Drop’ will return in 2014 with its charitable dual mandate of providing clean drinking water to people without access, and showing average poker players just how fucking poor and insignificant they really are.

56 people will demonstrate just how pathetic your lives are with the winner probably taking home more than the $18 million bagged by the beardless Antonio Esfandiari in 2012. Participants may be required to sign a declaration that they do not see any irony whatsoever in drinking Evian during the event…

MF

Sunday, 20 October 2013

101 Things That Make Me TILT

Not the usual cutting edge news today... instead a list of 101 things that make me tilt. If you have any more then let me know, get enough and we can have a follow up '30 more things....' sort of thing.... anyway, no further intro required.

101 Things That Make Me TILT!

1 - Opponents who constantly flat call raises
2 - Typing OMG in the chat box when you lose a 65% / 35% shot
3 - Making a Minus 15 Dollar ev call at the bubble of a SNG then typing 'knew you were bluffing'
4 - Limping Aces
5 - Min Raising Aces
6 - Typing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ into the chat box
7 - Baby Photos At Stars, Your baby is NOT FUCKING Beautiful
8 - Dog Photos at Stars (could be a cat too - do not want to be petist)
9 - Star-wars influenced Screen names, FFS this stopped being cool in 1982!
10 - Claiming poker is rigged when you lose pair vs overpair hand... do you actually know what 20% means?
11 - Typing TY into the chatbox when nobody said 'nice hand'
12 - Short Stacking
13 - Sitting in a Limit game with 700 big bets in front of you
14 - Typing 'Only at XXXXX Poker' when you bust from a tourney (insert site of your choice)
15 - When you fold the big blind getting 3/1 or even 4/1 with antes against a short-stack shove late in a tourney
16 - When you insta-call my all in with KJ sooted
17 - Screen names containing any variations of teddy and KGB
18 - Bad beat stories of any form at any fucking time
19 - Typing 'only online' in the chat box
20 - Screen names containing the words pimp / daddy etc
21 - Pictures of women who would not even notice you existed - ever - as your screen photo
22 - Playing any 2 suited cards
23 - Min-raising out of position after 4 limpers
24 - Acting like you were Phil Fucking Ivey in a $3 poker tournament
25 - French Players
26 - Reload bonuses which take 500 hours to clear
27 - The adverts which pop up when you switch off poker sites when your boss walks past
28 - People who berate fish online... Do you ACTUALLY KNOW where the money comes from??!?
29 - Anyone who tries to convince you that online poker is really truly rigged, honest, just look at my 600 game donkey-play sample for proof
30 - Typing Jokerstars into the chat box
31 - Believing Ace-jack is an unbeatable monster
32 - Calling your opponents 'bingo players' at the bubble of a SNG with <10 blinds="" br="">33 - Raise-folding at that same bubble with 6 blinds yourself
34 - Thinking that any one form of poker is superior to any other, get a life!!
35 - When you give a walk to those medium stacks at the bubble of an MTT
36 - People who ask for private freeroll passwords in the chat
37 - Beggars at the high (or any) stakes tables asking for cash online
38 - Those who think aces give then a fundamental right to a double-up
39 - Eyes in screen photos on Stars / Party
40 - That dumb surfer avatar at Full Tilt
41 - People who limp too many buttons
43 - Those who post coolers / bad-beats onto forums in the guise of asking for strategy advice
44 - Anyone who plays any ace, any where, any time
45 - People who start talking about M, ranges and / or ICM in the chat in a low limit game
46 - Threatening opponents with physical violence in the online chat box - I mean, WFT!!!
47 - Last longer bets...
48 - Typing 'of course' when you have a pair vs Ace-x and the ace hits (aka, not really understanding what 30% means)
49 - Anyone typing 'put you on 99' (for example) based only on a standard pre-flop raise.
50 - Those who join freerolls when blind away because they forgot all about it
51 - Actually make that anyone who plays freerolls ever too
52 - Overcalling a raise, re-raise, 4 bet all-in, call of that 4 bet... with Ace-8 suited
53 - Whining in general in that chat box
54 - Screen pictures of close up eyes
55 - Raising all but one chip
56 - Challenging opponents to heads-up matches you KNOW you can not afford
57 - Offering your opponent 4/1 on an all-in call then berating them for making it
58 - Titan Poker's 'tournament starting' alerts with 5000 pop-up messages
59 - People who type NH every fucking time
60 - Those who call with no pair, no draw and spike their miracle card on the turn
61 - People who think playing at UB is morally reprehensible, yet millions of children dying of easily preventable diseases evry year is just 'one of those things'.
62 - Anyone telling a fish that there is such a thing as VPIP
63 - A big stack at the bubble of a tournament who makes it their personal mission to double up every single short stack at the table
64 - A big stack at the bubble (of a satellite especially) who gives the short-stacked big blind a constant 'walk'
65 - The hoody avatar at Cake Poker
66 - Open limpers in 6-max cash games
67 - Anyone who tries to chat-up the 'ladies' in an online poker game (For fucks sake, there is a minimum 75% chance you are smooth talking some hairy bloke!)
68 - Players who constantly overbet the pot
69 - Complaining that you always bust on coinflips when you actually take several in a row
70 - Trying to look 'tough' by having a scary / horror picture as your avatar
71 - The fact that, even with 2 gig of memory, I can not play at PKR Poker
72 - Typing ZZZZZZZ into the chat box when it is damn obvious your opponent has disconnected
73 - Taking of disconnections nothing worse than losing your internet completely while at the bubbles of 8 $20 SNGs (yep, really)
74 - People from outside of England who display badges of English football teams... just.... WHY?75 - Anyone who mini-raises every hand
76 - Anyone who mini-raises only with aces / kings... and then gets upset when everyone calls and someone doubles up after outflopping them
77 - People who do not adjust to the relative hand strengths in Omaha Poker, but manage to complain when their aces are inevatably cracked.
78 - Going slow to let the blinds go up in a SNG tournament
79 - Anyone who actually believes in a 'Cash Out Curse'
80 - Poker players who believe that they are really really good, just a little unlucky
81 - Saying what you folded after the hand, especially when it was junk that would have made an unlikely straight, for example... "folded 6-3" on a final board of A-4-K-5-7
82 - Pausing an unduly long time before folding EVERY TIME when defending your big blind
83 - The 'Clapping' Animated Smiley at Carbon Poker
84 - Blogs / Forums which contain nothing but bad beats and whining
85 - Set over set
86 - Rabbit Cams (the ones which show what the flop / turn / river would have been)
87 - Anyone who offers to 'chop' at the end of a $5 Multi-table SNG
88 - The chat box morons who rail the 'big name' pros at Full Tilt Poker
89 - Anyone using a lord of the rings picture or name at the table
90 - Players who donk bet the minimum after calling in a 3-bet muli-way pot
91 - Opponents who disconnect, then come back for 1 hand, then disconnect again (repeat!)
92 - Calling the chat moderator service at Poker Stars
93 - Check mini-raising the flop
94 - Showing your big-blind rags when folded to
95 - Showing your strong hands, draws, bluffs or anything else for that matter
96 - Saying GG to every player as they bust, even though they did not even hint at anyfriendliness throughout the game
97 - Pictures of Stu Ungar on Poker Stars
98 - Anyone posting on a forum asking whether their 300% ROI over 167 games or 19PTBB / 100 over 6k hands is good enough for them to 'go pro'
99 - Players who are completely incapable of folding once they have entered a pot (but only if they hit)
100 - Pictures of a pair of aces at Stars... bet you thought it was so fucking original eh?
101 - The thing that tilts me most of all, more than anything else in the world - is YOU.

Lemme know if you have more...

MF

Friday, 6 September 2013

The Truth About The McCain Syria Debate Poker Game

No doubt you have read the news about Senator McCain, dear Melted Felt readers. Caught playing iPhone poker during a debate about how whether gassing innocent Syrian children should be considered naughty enough to warrant firing missiles that will probably kill more innocent children, or, erm, not.

Well, what you did not hear was the true story behind that poker game.

Until now you will not have known exactly who was playing, or exactly how high the stakes were… I’ll leave you in suspense no longer, here it is:

The Truth Behind McCain’s iPhone Poker Game

We pick up the action just after British Prime Minister David Cameron  had folded a pair of aces pre-flop, receiving deathly stares from both John Kerry and Francios Hollande, who were rubbing each other’s thighs under the table.

The action came to McCain, who announced all-in, only remember that he was playing with President Obama’s chips and would have to ask nicely first. When Obama decided to check their hand, while he posted the situation on the popular 2+2 poker forums for a vote, McCain’s fat xmas bonuses from many of the largest defense companies in the world suddenly looked in jeopardy.

Next Assad looked at his cards. As he had been bought into the game by Iran, and owed them a lot of money after losing half his country in previous hands, he had to be careful, he only had a pair of 8’s, but it did not matter, Iran were ready with more chips if he busted out… and after all, President Putin was next to act, and he could be relied on to veto any UN resolution on a flop that did not contain an 8.

Putin himself folded, then denied folding, did a deal with Iran to get a new card, folded one of them, swapped the other with China and finally announced that he would veto the whole game if he did not win. Obama texted McCain, reminding him that Putin’s army is actually a bit on the shit side nowadays, so not to worry too much. China, who were not even playing, unfortunately vetoed the reminder.

Hollande was next to act, and announced that since it was past 15:15 (French time) he had finished work for the day and was off to claim his social benefits graciously paid for by Germany. Attempts by Kerry to get him to play were met with upturned palms, raised eyebrows and a threat to go on strike.

Finally, the action came to Netanyahu, who fixed his steely gaze on Assad, put in a solid raise, then ordered a couple of fucking big missiles to be fired to make it seem more effective.

McCain, Assad and Putin all called the bet.

It was time for the flop.

While the rest of the world assumed the conflict would be dealt with diplomatically, John Kerry nervously played pocket billiards while giving Hollande a sideways smile, and Assad ordered some children to be napalmed – the course of history itself was resting on the deal of 3 cards.

It came, Ace, Queen, Eight…

Cameron fiddled with his tie, Netayanu ordered some more impressive bombs fired, Kerry excused himself and went to the restroom to cuddle up with Francios Hollande in private - and the Iranians, whose man in the game now held a monster hand of 8-8-8 pulled themselves up to their full height and threatened to blow America to smithereens…  Though the effect was lost by the fact that their full diplomatic height was close to level with McCain’s ankles.

McCain bet out, raising the specter of a sustained air campaign with bombs that could fly around fucking corners. Assad flat called, appealing for the UN to stop the Senator’s chip-based aggression to hide the true strength of his hand. Putin flat called, but only on the condition that he could tell his own people it was a bold and impressive raise. Netanyahu threw in a big chip, and ordered an airstrike to go with it… unfortunately he did not say ‘raise’ so his bet was taken as a call and the airstrike downgraded to a ‘large scale bombing raid’.

The turn.

An offsuit Jack.

Chips were riffled, gazes (complete with narrow-eyed Clint Eastwood style squints) were exchanged and, in the tense silence, strange squelching noises were overheard coming from the restroom.

McCain looked worried, surely there was a way to turn this into war. Not going to war was simply un-American, it would cost union jobs, and what about God, surely God would be furious if these freaks and pussies avoided a good old fashioned war?

He checked.

Assad saw that a straight was now possible, but, with Iran backing him, he had plenty of chips to find out if anyone had the King-Ten needed to make it. He raised once again, a big raise, big enough to get Putin to fold, deny folding, veto the entire game and then claim he had not folded at all and just did not need to match the bet due to big oil and gas reserves and, erm, China. His cards were mucked only after everyone else at the table agreed to publicly name him the winner. Netanyahu now had no hand and no draw, his only option was to call another airstrike and send a couple of Mossad, agents to kill the extended family (+pets and close friends) of the dealer, he folded too. McCain spoke to Obama on the phone, then slowly, and silently called Assad’s bet.

The river was a ten

Now any King made the nut straight.

Slowly McCain reached for his chips, began to slide them forward as Assad squirmed… then his phone beeped, it was Obama once again, reminding McCain that he had better wait – the vote from the 2+2 poker forums was not yet in….


MF


Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Full Tilt Remittances FAQ

Changing times call for changing formats, dear Melted Felt readers, and today we witness 'an istoric' moment – without the H. Yes, instead of just blogging away like some bitter old git who still remembers the glory days of when this site actually had a few visitors…. It’s going all q-and-fuckin-a. You must have seen it before, right? Writers in mainstream publications make up *ahem* reader questions before answering them in such a way as to demonstrate their worldly wisdom… no? ah well, never mind.

Today I have 3 varied questions, the first of which is from a dog.

Dear Melted Felt, I wonder if you could help me out. My master used my name to sign-up for a new account after he realized that rakeback would help him lose a little slower. After his mum caught him playing poker and whipped his skinny ass, I took over the account while everyone was asleep, becoming a 6-max grinder and building a 6-figure bankroll. My problem is that it is next to impossible to navigate the remittance process – since I only have paws. Please Help, Rover

Well, thanks for the question Rover, luckily I have experience in these matters, having once resolved a dispute between a spayed cat called Blacky and the iPoker Network. You can probably smell that your master is a weak piece of white trash as soon as he walks into the room. Unfortunately you are going to need him to get this one resolved.

I suggest downloading the new software, start it running, then leaving your dog-license on top of the keyboard and taking an almighty shit in his bed. If this does not work, you should whine loudly next to the computer in the early hours of the morning, and when he comes to find out what is happening you can slowly lick your pointy red dick while looking meaningfully at the Full Tilt poker client.

Once the money is recovered it should just be a case of burying it in the garden, then shagging grandma’s leg until you get thrown out. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Melted Felt, Thanks for being the best poker satire blog which used to be funny and now lives, a shadow of its former self, on page two of Google [Why thanks! – MF]. My question is this; I earned approximately $50,000 per year while losing all my friends as an online poker grinder. Since nobody seemed to be looking I did not bother paying taxes – should I continue with my remittance claim at Full Tilt or not? Brian, MA

Well Brian, you really should continue with the claim. The main reason for this is that the tax people already know about your fraudulent tax returns – and whether you claim your frozen money or not makes fuck all difference to the fact that you are looking at 5 years minimum as a fraudster, haha, hahaha, hahahahaha, ha.

Dear Melted Felt,I have been whining on different forums about the $63k I had locked up in my FTP account for a couple of years now, and getting a ton of sympathy and respect. The problem is that I really only had $7.30c + a freeroll token. My friends are fully expecting me to join the high stakes cash games at Merge, my girl is expecting a vacation and my Dad thinks I’ll pay him back the loan for my wheels – what should I do? Nate, FL

Well, Nate, you are not alone, it is estimated that 97% of people on a certain poker forum are exaggerating their wealth, skill level and knowledge of poker strategy. The other 3% are a mix of spammers, retards and trolls.

You are in luck, I can actually help out here. Having looked at your HM database I came the conclusion that you are in fact a great player who is just a little unlucky. I really felt for you in that 6 way hand in the beginners freeroll with middle set, unbelievable how that guy caught his flush on the turn, you were spot on with that stuff about his mother in the chat box.

Anyway, since you are obviously ready for the higher stakes I’d like to wire you a big wad of cash. Only I need to verify that your bank account is valid first. Here is what I propose; Just get your dad’s bank card details, account number, pin and that little number on the back of his card, you know, the one next to the signature… Oh and if you could find out what your Mom's family name was before she married, that would be great too. Send them over to me and I will do a test wire to you, say $10k initially. Once you verify that the money is safely received I can send $53k more, and you can get cracking on the $10 / $20 games… how does that sound?

If you  have any more questions about Full Tilt remittances you can add them in the comments, I never publish comments of course, but if asking makes you feel good, more power to you.

MF


Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Lake Woebegone Poker Review

above average player just keep getting bad beats inpoker
Not really done reviews here at Melted Felt before, but this new poker site was good enough for me to break with tradition*
*no, not the tradition of no longer being funny, that one stands.

Lake Woebegone Poker is a truly unique online experience, not least because every fucking player there is well above average in their poker skill level. Yes, from the brand new fish through to the palest of Mom’s basement grinders, not a single player there ever makes a mistake – though they do seem to suffer at the hands of others who do make errors.

There are many things to attract the first time player to Lake Woebegone Poker. First us that you will never see your poker bankroll go down, ever, this could happen to bad players of course, but since every player is well above average – they all see their bankrolls increase over time. This is real money which can be cashed out at any time, but hell, while that number looks so pretty moving up the graph at 45degrees, why spoil things by cashing out?

WBG Poker players experience a redline which is 100% identical to their profits on the HM graphs and leak finding apps will naturally always come up blank. If you are not sure what that means, simply making a small first deposit will result in the entire poker jargon dictionary being beamed directly into your brain from a specially designed satellite.

Coin-flips situations in cash games are resolved by running it 12 times, and if there is still one player ahead then the special software splits the view so that both players get to win the hand. Oh, and there are no cards lower than 6 in the deck, reducing the number of unplayable starting hands by 113%.

Tournaments At Lake Woebegone Poker

These are a little tricky to handle in a site where everyone is so far above average that they feel the need to spite-rail anyone who puts a beat on them for at least 2 hours. I think you’ll enjoy the way that WBG poker handle these games...

Each time a player busts out (must have been a mis-click, right?) a new shadow-tournament begins. This grows as more players bust out, with a 3rd, then 4th game appearing as players bust the second then third one. In the end everybody wins a tournament – though the person who comes 2nd in the second from last one only really beats themselves… not a big problem at the happy, joyful poker site which is Lake Woebegone, as that person gets free entry to tomorrow’s game to make up for it.

Are You Eligible To Play?

This site has the best software and promos which make all of their player’s millionaires almost every week. So you can understand that they need to be a little selective about who they let into their doors.

The criteria are quite tough, you’ll need to be an above average driver, above average between the sheets, above average penis length for the guys and tits to waist ratio for the girls, better than average looking and smarter than average even to get past the first round of applications. Yeah, I know you’ll pass this part no problem, every-fucking-body thinks they would.

Once you are through the pre-screening, you’ll have to go through an arduous 1-on-1 interview. The site owners are looking for some kind of proof that you got to be above average at poker naturally, without studying or watching training videos. They want to see some solid fish berating, and make sure that you timed down and typed ‘ty’ in the chat box when you get put all-in while holding the nuts. They want to see some thinly disguised gloating on the 2+2 forums while calling out others who gloat with a lower post count than you and they want to see that you really effing mean it when you tell them that you are really are damn good at poker– just unlucky.

So, I know you are well above average – so delay no further, click this link to check out LakeWoebegonePoker.com now! 

Lake WoebegonePoker - where every player is above average... 





Sunday, 18 August 2013

The Very Model Of A Modern Rake Professional

It's celebration time here at the sprawling megolopolis which is Melted Felt HQ. You see, the more *serious* side of the poker press (properly serious you understand, not just compared to the banal waffling which is Melted effing Felt)... have finally caught on that Rakeback is, well, a really sh1t revenue model. I was saying this 4 years ago folks, in my more *serious* sites as well as right here. You looked at me like I was some form of idiot back then (probably true, but that's another story). Now, 4 years later, Amer-i-c-a finally catches on...and starts with the anti-rakeback articles - 'it could never have worked!' they proudly proclaim, like it is some sort of revelation... duh, well, who-d-a-fuvking-though-it???

I know, I know - dear Melted Felt readers - every single one of you woke up this morning thinking the same damn thing... when (oh, when) will Melted Felt re-write the Major General's song from HMS Pinafore to relate (and we mean really relate) to the life of a rakeback poker professional??

Well, we could pretend to be shocked at the co-incidence of all of you waking up thinking the same thing... or we could just crack on with those lyrics, dear little buttercups.

The Modern Rake Professional's Song.
By Gilbert, Sullivan and, erm, Mark

I am the very model of a modern rake-professional,
I've information, HUDs, and reads, and poker moves positional,
I know the kings from aces, and I quote the odds historical
From flushes, straights to gutshots, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand fold equity, both simple and quadratical,
About the zeebo theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts on reverse implied odds for you.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I read the poker book which detailed mathematic-us:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.

I know the poker history, Moneymakers's and Doyle Brunson's;
I delight in value towning, I've a pretty taste to check the nuts,
I quote in online forums, the crimes of Russel Hamiltons,
In chat I diss the fishes, berate donkeys and the donators;
I can tell undoubted poker pros from mouthy novice wannabies,
I know the croaking chorus saying 'rigged!' bemoaning oh-the Jokerstars!
Then I can smell a bluff attempt on which 3rd pair I hit afore,
And 'ty' in the chatbox as the pot is shipped to me of course.
Then I can write a bar bill in megalithic size and form,
And tell you ev'ry detail of dancers sequined uniform:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.

MF

PS: No complaints, or I'll do the phantom of the f-in opera...

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Full Tilt Remission Issues Solved, By Their Cousin.


Melted Felt is happy to be able to bring some exclusive news to those US players waiting years for a remission  from Full Tilt Poker - the issues have been temporarily resolved with the help of Bill, Full Tilt Poker's cousin.

After a seemingly endless string of finger pointing, lame exuses and squeeky voiced CS reps confidently saying 'It will be with you tomorrow, honest' the truth of the matter has finally emerged. The Feds are sitting rifling through your tax returns, your mom's credit card statements and full details of all 7 of your account - and they are ready to send you the money, well, sort of.

Here is how the Full Tilt bankroll remission process will work:

You see, it turned out that, while Full Tilt owed you $10,000, Full Tilt's cousin, Bill, owed them that exact same amount... so, it like totally makes sense for to save the administration, and just have Bill owe you the $10k - right?

There are a couple of very small problems.

One is that Bill does not particularly like exactly the sort of spotty, greasy, skinny math geeks who built up bankrolls on FTP in the first place. He is a self-proclaimed ladies man, and simply does not believe that calling someone a 'retard' in a chat box anonymously, from 500 miles away is any way for a real man to behave.

Secondly, Bill might not actually have the cash with him, as in on his person, right now... I mean, he does have it, safe and sound, ready to hand over my good friend, ready for you. It's just at his friend Paul's house, across town, and well, Paul just got a short stretch in the lockup, and his girl, she is not too fond of Bill at all, no sir.

Don't worry though, the official Federally administered process of getting what you are owed back from Full Tilt Poker's cousin still stands. There is an official form to fill in for exactly this eventuality, you just need to get it signed and then witnessed by your state tax office.

What Did Full Tilt Say?

We asked Full Tilt why they passed everyones money to their cousin - a completely imaginary spokesman  replied that "It clearly states in the Terms and Conditions signed by all players who join that we can change the terms and conditions whenever the f*ck we like" adding "we added clause 12.B.ii.a just the other day, stating that any money owed can be passed to our cousin for safekeeping" and "Paul will be out of prison in only 6 months and will sort everyone's money out then, assuming his girlfriend did not suspect that the huge box marked 'Cash For Full Tilt Remissions' in their lounge was actually full of money...".

Asked whether they planned to offer any payout options which did not involve their cousin, Full Tilt replied that they were looking closely into wrapping your deposits in slightly moldy out of date bacon and tossing it to a pack of stray dogs.

MF

Thursday, 1 August 2013

Melted Felt Forgiveness Special - Pope, NSA and, erm, Jimmy

It’s not often that us online poker players get forgiven by the angry sky god who rules the lives of millions people who are unable to think for themselves... So it goes without saying that I just had to mark the occasion with a Melted Felt special on the subject of forgiveness… Yes dear readers, I bring you mind-blowing forgiveness-themed news from the Pope, the NSA and Jimmy from somewhere dull in the east of England.


Pope Forgives Poker Players

First up, the holy pappy himself – Pope Franky-boy – has reached out to bedroom-dwelling online poker players throughout the world. Yes, on a flight back from a sold-out gig in Brazil he was quoted as saying: ‘If a person is an online poker grinder and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?

Now, I want to be clear here… this God he is talking about is the big bearded dude who gives solace and hope to people in a world ripped apart by, erm, religion – and not the Poker Gods who bring you those ‘one-times’ and make sure you win coin-flips at vital moments in tournaments...

So far the reaction from poker players has been rather muted, so we will have to say whether this offer of non-judging sticks. Pope Franky did later add the caveat that Sit N Go players are kind of beyond saving – what with it being more like effing bingo than real poker…

NSA Jump On The Forgiveness Bandwagon

I am sure you figured by now, the National Security Agency know what you have been up to poker-wise. Think about it, every e-mail, phone call, text message and Google search and porn site viewed is safely logged in their servers… and you think they somehow forgot to log the hours you put in in low buy-in cash games? Well, did you?

Some good news on the forgiveness front from the ‘land of the formerly free’ though – as part of an amnesty to mark the legalization of poker in New Jersey, the entire database of slowrollers is to be deleted. This will wipe out an estimated 230,000 known slowrollers in all forms of the game logged since 2004.

It is not all good news I am afraid to report. To balance things out, all those players who saw a raise, re-raise and an all-in ahead of them, and still went into their timebank before folding junk hands are to be immediately ‘outed’ to their bosses, friends and entire families. If you do not want to face your pretty little 7 year old daughter coming home from school in floods of tears after her friends find out her Dad used ‘cunt time’ just to be a bastard when he should have just quickly folded, then you had better pack up and leave now. No sympathy from Melted Felt either, you fvcking sicko.

Jimmy From Basildon Forgives Too

Finally, some more personal forgiveness news. Jimmy, 19, from Basildon near London has officially forgiven ‘natedog12243’ for rivering a 4-outer and busting him from the $3+30c $1500 guaranteed at PokerStars, just short of the paying places.

Initially Jimmy was very upset and had relentlessly pursued Nate via the chat window for the next hour and a half threatening all sorts of things involving rubber gloves which can not be published in a family poker satire blog. After his inevitable chat ban turned into a spat with security over e-mail which got his account frozen, with subsequent ‘mums accounts’ suffering the same fate, Jimmy has had time to reflect, and would like to downgrade his initial onslaught to just a single, sarcastic, ‘well played, donkey’. I'm sure that makes things all better then.

With so much love and forgiveness in one post I’m feeling positively angelic, so angelic that I might even forgive you for not coming back and reading more often, go-on, bookmark me now, or I’ll tell the fvcking Pope.


MF

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Full Tilt Casino Games Revealed?

There is currently a lot of speculation about Full Tilt Poker going into new verticals… Would it be dating (something with spotty poker grinders have a lot of issues with)? Would it be forex, which has a enough luck involved to make short-term winners feel like they are unbeatable just before they lose their life savings?

Nope, in the end it turned out to be casino games… after all, 92% poker players who argue so vehemently that poker is a ‘game of skill’ are actually losers – so, why not give the opinionated little sh1ts a way to lose without all the silly posturing in between?

The main question now is – what casino games will Full Tilt offer???

Well, I can certainly help out there - not that my suggestions always get taken on board by the operators of course…. Below is the official Melted Felt list of casino games that I think would suit Full Tilt down to the ground.

1)      Bitar BlackJack.
This would work the same as normal blackjack, 5 decks and a dealer standing on a soft 17. Blackjack would play 1.5x and insurance would be available (though only to people who used to have the 100% rakeback accounts). The key difference is that, while playing, your bankroll would be used for the running expenses of the casino – on a temporary basis of course…

2)      Lederer Let-It-Ride
Here is a game which people will be queuing around the virtual block to play. This is a fun card game and has a nice fat margin which is bound to have the people behind this venture drooling like Pavlov’s puppies. In this version, anyone hitting a jackpot hand will be paid personally by Led, he will simply drive around in a big BMW, open up the trunk, and hand you a wad of cash.

3)      Phil Ivey Craps
Who else but the craps-meister himself could be the face behind this somewhat complicated dice game? Nobody will be able to watch you play this game, since Phil only ever plays the high stakes game alone. To avoid any voyeur type issues, specially designed software will only allow you to play this game while sitting on the toilet, craps while taking a crap anyone?

4)      Red Pro Support Slot
This 5 reel, 30 line slot will take your money quicker than Tom Dwan rakes in a single pot bigger than your entire lifetime’s winnings. It will feature the faces of the successful pros who used to play at FTP including Antonius, Hansen, Ferguson and Ivey. There will be jackpots, wild cards, free spins and an animated feature round involving getting a gaming license from Alderney while avoiding auditors. What is special about this slot is that each spin will take a 5c extra rake which goes towards a special charity fund for out of work former red pros who dropped out of college for a 'poker career'… should be a nice supplement to their burger-flipping wages.

5)      DOJ Roulette
My final suggestion is a special game for those US players whose money has been frozen by the feds. Like normal roulette, this will be a brutally fast method of tilting off your hard earned cash… only this game will have a twist. Whenever the double zero is hit, the wheel gets filled with the names of random federal bankroll theft victims, and the ball / wheel is spun again. if you are lucky enough to come up a winner, then your winnings are checked against your tax returns for previous years. If you paid, the who-hooo – your old bankroll gets returned in full. If not, then whoops – that’s 3 to 5 in a federal jail for you! At this point astute readers might note that this could be, well, kind of a disincentive to play… yes, agreed, except, you know they are going to do the tax audit thing anyway, right? Right? RIGHT?

Not sure if I will play the real casino games at Full Tilt or not, the games there seem plenty enough like bingo already for my tastes…

MF


Friday, 12 July 2013

Everleaf Join The Affiliate Acquisition Frenzy

Following the headline-grabbing acquisition of Poker Strategy by gambling software giant PlayTech, the spotlight has firmly fallen on the other networks to see who will make the next move. Well, dear Melted Felt readers, you need look no further. I am today breaking a story which will shake the gambling world to it’s very core. The stakes have been raised, the other networks will be left looking like sluggards… and, erm, other grand sounding yet ultimately meaningless guff.

In a move which is much more than just an acquisition, the Everleaf Network have announced they are buying www.best-real-money-pokersites-bonuscode.info for an undisclosed sum thought to be in the region of two figures.

Stephanu Conneru, from Romania, will remain as CEO and chief content scraper as part of this deal. Which will apparently see the day to day link selling activities largely unchanged. With a subscriber base of 3, covering 2 different countries, Everleaf will add a new dimension to their ability to get information on new bonuses to a broad cross-section of potential new players by adding garish flash banners to the sidebar of each page.

We asked Stephan for his comments on the acquisition – the announcement of which followed months of careful negotiations and included at least one low OBL ‘dofollow’ link on a separate casino blog. He replied that he was after $10 on PokerStars, and would be happy to send us $12 via PayPal in return – though we would need to transfer first.

Everleaf are apparently not stopping here. In a bid to boost their subscriber base still further they are at a delicate stage of negotiation for a somewhat aged Squidoo lens, and may be on the verge of acquiring 100,000,000 legitimate e-mails of currently active casino players all double opt-in and confirmed just yesterday (for an estimated $7).

Watch this space, dear readers, there could be some breaking news as soon as I can convince PokerStars that Melted Felt is worth every penny of the $10 million price tag....


MF

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Dullest World Series Of Poker Ever

Lets face it, dearest Melted Felt readers, the preliminary events of the World Series Of Poker (by which I mean everything up to the last hand of the October 9) are actually very dull. Bracelet after bracelet won by a pasty-faced 20 or 30 something North American with the occasional pasty-faced 20 or 30 something European thrown in for some, erm, variety.

So, in the name of providing a public service to my vast poker-loving audience, I came up with 10 totally implausible ideas to make the 2014 World Series a little more interesting. As you might expect these are either implausible, stupid or just plain bad … But hey, at least I distracted you from the achingly dull goings on in Vegas for 5 minutes…

Ideas To Make The World Series Of Poker More Interesting

1) Get Simon Cowell involved. He knows how to do it, vote a couple of people off of the final table, give a player or two a real dressing down for bluffing in a bad spot. Audience voting that makes f-all difference, that kind of thing.

2) A ‘Non White Male 20’s to 30’s N American / European’ Event. Yeah, be great to see who is left to step up to the challenge.

3) Get Femen in to protest about something… Nope, I have no idea what their issue is either, extremely angry topless women shouting the place down in Ukrainian has to beat the bore-fest that is just another NL Holdem bracelet event though.

4) Lives. Give every player 3 lives in an event, so if they go out they get to start again. This could be different from a standard rebuy or second chance event by making them real human lives. I’m sure there are enough depressed Emo’s knocking about to volunteer, if not then there are many more on death row who could be lined up, needle in arms, and interviewed before the river card was dealt…

5) November / October 9 ‘em all. Well, it works for the main event, so who not do it for all of the events? Meh.

6) Political Agenda. How about the winners of the bracelets get to vote on the biggest political issue of the day. This year it would probably be whether to arm the liver-eating terrorists in Syria, be cool to see the probable outcome of the vote (which would have to be signed ‘blind’ by the president) swing too and fro as different people won the events.

7) Wild Animals Angle: yeah, a cliché, but then again, a final table played in a pit of poisonous snakes would definitely get the viewing figures up.

8) Shots between blind levels. Childish, but then this blog is my ball and if I go home then the blog is going home with me, or something.

9) Worldwide Events. How about having smaller World Series events in Europe and Australia at different times of the year – giving away ‘bracelets’?? Oh yeah, they already do, and oh yeah, this is about as interesting as watching paint dry too.

10) I got to 10, whooo-hooo, was looking like this post would be destined for the big blog post scrap heap at around 4, phew. Ah yes, you want a 10th suggestion. Well, how about rigging it, a proper scandal, how about we link certain poker celebrities and now defunct poker sites with the floor manager, have an investigation on 2+2, release ‘evidence’ gradually, maybe even a tape. Should be good for a ton of blog posts, and maybe even a book?

MF

Friday, 7 June 2013

The Return Of Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Go on, admit it, you missed Quick Fire Friday, didn’t you now…

What? You don’t remember? Are you absolutely sure about that? Hmmm.

Well, this is a short-form roundup of the poker news I was far to lazy to write a full post about… and it is published on a Friday. I did change the days around a few times back in the day, maybe that is what confused you a little.

Enough pretending that anyone comes back and / or knows what the hell I am talking about… its t-t-t-t-time for this week’s Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup.

11-Card Stud

Things are getting competitive among the poker sites, with new games and variations stretching the limits of credible poker all the time. Full Tilt already introduced Irish Holdem, and have now gone one better with the awesome 6-card Omaha. If you are the kind of player who does not like to fold, then this game will give you every excuse possible to call just one more time…

The reply from iPoker could not have been swifter or stronger. An imaginary spokesman told us that next month will see 11-Card Stud, with 11-Card Stud Hi-Lo and 11-Card Razz both in development. With 9 separate betting rounds, and 8 up-cards, there will be a choice of pot-limit and fixed limit betting in this game. To avoid problems with running out of cards, the numbers will be increased to 15, with quad 15’s having the special accolade of beating straight flushes which contain jokers.

I look forward to seeing Full Tilt’s reply.

Party Profits Plunge

Following a 17% drop in revenues, you might be wondering whether the merger of Bwin and Party was such a good idea after all. Well, worry ye not! Norbert (known a little Norbi by at least 1 aunt) has a plan.

Instead of wasting all that money actually Marketing their products, Norbert has slashed costs massively by cutting out this unnecessary and frivolous expense from half the fvcking globe. Instead of wasting money on countries like Finland, where they can barely afford to feed their goats, those filthy rich countries with bigger spending fish will be the new focus.

To really get these high-rolling fish moving, Party also announced a promotion where you can collect 10 points to win a scatchcard to see if you get exclusive entry to a $300 freeroll with 7,000 12 year old Romanians… I’m in!

International Stadiums Poker Tour

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner! Yes, Jakub Michalak beat 4 other participants in London’s Wembley Stadium event, to take home a cool 436k Euros. He actually meant to go and watch the soccer, and got the date wrong so decided to play anyway. Congrats to Jakub, who will probably be really pleased to know that sponsors Lock Poker have *ahem* ‘volunteered’ to handle the payouts…

MF

Thursday, 30 May 2013

The Last Living Soul (2133 AD)

He was the last living soul. Though the wretched, burned, scarred human-android combo had no way of knowing this. His current objective was only to find water, anything for a cold glass of water. He looked around, only fire, devastation and ruin. His helmet-visor display beeped – a new message – there was no time for reading now, his situation was extreme.

The year was 2133 and he was more than 150 years old by the old measures. The war had started in space more than 12 years ago. The moon and Marian bases were destroyed first, then the bombs started raining down to earth. Tit-for-tat destruction of military facilities escalated into the obliteration of cities, which in turn had become a race to scorch the earth of the enemy’s lands. Every square inch of the Planet’s surface lay charred, radiated and toxic.

He raised a mechanically enhanced hand to his visor plate, a sharp bang brought the fuzzy screen back to life. The message was still trying to get through, now flashing in his peripheral vision. He ignored it – instead focusing on his pressing need to stay alive amid the radiation, toxic fumes and searing heat. The status output did not give too much hope. Battery at 7%, oxygen running low and water completely empty. Water, how he craved a tall glass of cold water, he would give anything for a cool, refreshing drink.

Red lights flashed around the inside of his helmet panel, warning that staying still was not an option. Without a new fusion battery his life-systems would start shutting down within hours. Already his power was getting low enough that his radiation shields were at half power.

A charred and bloodied dog scurried through the rubble, ignoring him. It headed south, towards where the downtown area had once stood. A cracking sound and bright light was followed by a yelp, as the dog was taken out by an automated laser defense post. He stood up, and stepping over the dismembered remains of his former squad, carefully followed the route the creature had taken. Maybe the dog knew something, somehow found a supply of food and cool, crystal clear water.

An explosion, blinding light, a ringing noise in his ears… he fell, losing consciousness. Waking up briefly, searing pain, unable to move, trapped by the falling debris of a building, red lights flashing critical warnings inside his helmet visor. He drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming of dancing, of love, of home cooking and of that cool glass of water.

Warning: Radiation Levels Critical.

Warning: Oxygen Reserves At 1%

Warning: Life Support Systems Terminating In 7 Minutes, 6:59… 6:58…

He had mentally given up. Trapped, legs shattered, he knew this was the end. The Earth he loved was all but destroyed, there was nothing worth holding on for. Even if he could somehow come though there was nothing but devastation and decay. He would be sharing a planet with rats, with dogs and termites. Humanity had proven itself too aggressive to survive – maybe it was best this way… the peace of death suddenly seemed compelling.

Then he remembered the message. That small flashing square behind all the warnings of his imminent death was still there. He was not expecting anything, and as his life support system broke through into the last minute for the last living human he used his last breath to command his suit to access the mail, as his vision faded he read:

Dear Brian

Your cashout request of May 30th 2013 for $350 has been approved! We hope you enjoyed playing with us and look forward to welcoming you back on the site real soon.

Regards,
The Lock Poker Team


MF

Monday, 27 May 2013

Introducing The Melted Felt Cut N Paste Poker Chat Comeback Resource

Nobody will ever notice that I just recycled an old post , unless I make it bold and red at the top of the blog... well, the poker news is dull as fuck this year.

Here at Melted Felt, we see ourselves as more of a public service than just a bitter and twisted source of poker news that was funny in 2009, well, for a week or so anyway. Today in a big show of love and tenderness to all readers, we bring you something that you'll not find anywhere else online - unless you actually look. Yes, dear readers, spark up a fat one, project some karma onto those around you and en.. [ Thats enough of that hippy bullsh1t Mark, get on with the f-ing post - Ed]

Right, yeah, well... you know the score, you are playing poker and someone gives you some grief - especially after you skillfully suck out! You just wish you had a whitty come-back, a killer line, a text 'punch' to swing back at your opponent... well you have come to the right post... simply bookmark our monster list of stolen chat comebacks and have them ready to go as soon as you need them!

One more thing, save your comments about how terrible it is to berate fish etc... here at Melted Felt we think all poker players are equally pathetic... trying to act 'less pathetic' here (or on a forum or wherever!) is just, well, pathetic. If you'd like to add some then we are all ears!

The Melted Felt Cut N Paste Poker Chat Comeback List!
- Bring more Russians
- It must be hard to type with those hooves
- When does your book come out?
- Be sure to take advantage of the redeposit bonus
- skill game
- I knew you were bluffing
- GAME OVER, PLEASE DEPOSIT MORE COINS TO CONTINUE
- The jerkstore called and they are running out of you!
- Did you forget there was a river card?
- So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
- czech rebuplic singer from eurovision gay bar GUSTAV HANSEN
- Give me your chips or i shall taunt you a second time
- left u with bus fare
- Not a 2 card game. It's a 7 card game
- mmmmm, you taste like butter pecan
- go home and get your f##king shine-box
- You must be allergic to money. I'm here to help
- typing Donk doesn't make you a good player
- i know that's a lot of money for you
- BOOM HEADSHOT!
- Go rim your uncle
- that's only 50 cents per taco
- LMBSMDGFY
- I had a read
- Could you speak up a bit. I can't hear you from behind that pile of chips
- Sigh
- Play him off keyboard cat
- Go ask your husband for more money
- Hey you filth son of a foul how could you raise with that fouling hand
- This is all the Lord's will. I am merely his servant
- I am a lucky player. A powerful winning force surrounds me
- What happened you have frozen brain? its too cold to think up there in Canada?
- Give a monkey a typewriter...eventually they'll spell a word.
- Please dont tell me you operate a motor vehicle?
- ty, would you like a receipt for tax purposes?
- No bluffing please
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- please don't get your tears on my money
- you're the reason people think online poker is rigged
- i am just doing notes on you right now and i need another word for donkey
- I just outplayed you
- Call the waaambulance we have a crier
- i learn to win by playing Facebook poker shoot outs
- sorry I x'd the table by accident, what happened?
- you lost to a girl
- In Soviet Russia, cards play YOU
- I've lost more money than you'll ever win
- If you don't shut your mouth im going to take your dad off fries and put him back on burgers
- green type Looks good on you (Stars Only!)
- You played that so bad they may accuse us of collusion
- My mom is here to pick me up for Soccer practice, sorry I took all your money
- go post it on 2+2
- bling blang blaow
- And which dwarf are you?
- but i gotz ze nutz
- How much does 4th pay (SNG Special)
- The f****** nuts bitch; and I don't mean cashews
- I was trapping
- Did someone leave the barn door open?
- *run:code view_hole_cards.exe*t123456.cfg
- You remember back in kindergarten... See Spot Run, Dick and Jane.... THOSE BOOKS ARE HARDER TO READ THAN YOU ARE MF'ER!!
- MAKE ME A BICYCLE CLOWN!!!
- omg kellogs
- That just seemed silly
- It must be hard to read your cards in braile
- 'Prepare to suck the _ock of kharma
- HELLMUTH CLAP!
- Ship it clown
- That would have been a good time not to be not bluffing, no?
- you may have had quads but I now got your moneytingz
- too late axe is already in car
- Way to not let your brain interfere with your heart
- How bout a tall frosty glass of......Busted!!!
- Cashback!
- Back to micro? U can take another shot next week buddy
- 'well prayed'
- You know what Johnny? I just dont think you got it
- it doesnt matter how long you wait in the observer chat...fulltilt doesnt let you back in the tourney!
- go eat a carrot
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- super user account, you should get one
- All of your CHIPS are belong to us
- is my play tilting you yet?
- TO YOU THIS IS A REBUY TOURNEY, TO ME THIS IS MY LIFE
- just like milking a cow, first you pull on one and then the udder
- I hope you keep buying goldfish at the county fair and they all die
- sorry, cant hear you im deaf
- sorry, can't hear you my chats turned off
- Is this the Donkey Hall Of Fame Qualifier Table?
- I knew you had me beat. That's why I called
- good luck , it's the only hope you've got
- I'll use your money for meds
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- I had a feeling it was comming
- I had implied odds
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- I just absorbed your net worth and can't even afford a Happy Meal
- how can u suck at poker and life
- this is like watching the special olympics, no matter who wins you are both retarded
- Thank God my dick isnt so small that i need to taunt a loser to make it bigger
- are you a hobo?
- when my luck runs out i want to read and get better, like you

MF

PS: A quick (2nd person?) shout to Sit N Go Planet who just launched their German Version 3 years ago... you can check it out here: German SNG Planet!

Monday, 20 May 2013

Heads Up For Rolls?


A celebration is occurring somewhere on the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan – dear Melted Felt readers. As the SEO efforts of a fine young gentleman by the name of Ahmed show some fantastic results.

Meanwhile, Joanne Tooth, owner of the much loved ‘The Family Bakery’ in the High Street of Stratford-Upon-Avon, England is trying to work out why the sudden influx of visitors to her website are not buying too many pastries…

Well, a disconnect of such epic proportions required the veritable tsunami known in the poker business as an investigation by none other than the Melted Felt Mole – who started to get Ahmed’s side of the story.

As an SEO consultant of 3 weeks experience, Ahmed is an old hand by the standards of the industry. He knows complicated buzzwords, acronyms, technical sounding descriptions and fills any gaps in conversation by repeating ‘high quality links, my friend, high quality’ over and over again.

When his fiverr gig promising number 1 rankings on Google was snapped up by Joanne, Ahmed immediately got to work on finding some valuable keywords for his client. Cup-Cakes was far too competitive, bread looked like a possibility, but the search volume was just not there. Then he came across a keyword that was not just beatable, it was a valuable one too – with Adsense indicating that people were paying a mind-boggling $1.34 for a click.

This triggered Ahmed to get to work, he would do everything in his power to get the Family Bakery to the number one spot for ‘Heads Up For Rolls’.

High quality link followed high quality link… Ahmed knew his stuff and would add valuable contributions to forum threads (for example joining in conversations in trainee chef’s forum on dough to explain that they needed a combination of flour, eggs and water). He then went into blog commenting overdrive, complimenting people on no less than 237 posts he had not read. By the end of the night Ahmed had to give back his brothers computer, and it was a painful 2 days before he would get back online to see the results.

Joy.

The Family Bakery was number one for 'Heads-Up For Rolls', and there was $4 waiting in his Paypal account from fiverr.

Not only was Ahmed now a veteran SEO consultant (his 3 weeks and 3 days putting him firmly in the 3rd quartile, (98% range)), he now had a reference to give out for other customers. The Mole did inquire as to whether Ahmed was worried about the next Penguin update, what with the fact that he basically spammed the bakery up the rankings? Of course, he reminded us that he only deals in high quality links (my friend), and that he was not sure about Penguins at all, in fact he would have to check to see if they are even allowed under sharia law…

Meanwhile, back in Stratford, Joanne has seen an definite increase in visitors to the 3 page website that a local wiz made for her for the bargain price of just $3000 (+ $500 per update)… the only thing is, contact form message after contact form message comes in… and not a single order for birthday cakes or even a French stick – she just can not work out how it is even possible for her rolls to be ‘retarded’.

MF

Friday, 17 May 2013

iPoker Network In 'Winning Players' Scandal


Shocking news from the iPoker Network, dear Melted Felt readers, as rumors circulated that winning players have somehow infiltrated this previously fish-filled network – and may even be playing while under the table.

Things started with an announcement that player-to-player transfers were banned. Some large affiliates were implicated in 2+2 threads, which were then deleted. Paranoia and rumors then ran wild, with nobody knowing who was responsible for getting decent poker players past the security software on this network. Things took another twist with a big affiliate locked out of iPoker and now things have gone from bad to worse – in an effort to identify the good players a ‘Know Your Customer’ requirement with a deadline of May 20th has been demanded by the network operators.

iPoker are determined to keep their pop-up infested poker client free from winning players, so as to enable the losing majority more opportunity to decimate their bankrolls with the brutally high rake.

The KYC drive should help identify those winning players. With tricky multiple choice questions like ‘Is Ace-Six a premium hand?’, ‘What is the fold button for?’ and ‘What is a withdrawal?’ requiring scanned documents that prove that people still ask for scanned documents. 

Once winners are positively identified they will need to take a photo of their playing setup from at least 3 different angles with a copy of today’s newspaper clearly visible in frame. This is to prove that the players are not in fact playing under the table – which rumors suggest has been an ongoing problem on this network for a number of years. Wear and tear on the carpet, and how ‘natural’ each player looks in their above-table playing position will be taken into account.

There have also been rumors that American players were able to access this network using modern technology including the internet. I was not able to verify this at the time of writing, though understand through psychic contact with an imaginary iPoker rep that potential winning players and people playing under their tables is considered a far bigger problem.

I’ll keep you posted as to when the winners have been kicked off and it is safe to go back to those iPoker tables.

MF


 
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