Monday, 16 December 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
Friday, 25 October 2013
Anyway, this is the paragraph where I summarize the week’s news and tell you how fucking exciting it is. Whoop whoop, its great this week, awesome, poker is really very interesting, no, you are not dull at all, poker players are balla, I mean, whooo, cool and everything.
I’ll crack on with the roundup then.
Negreanu Wins Poker Beard Of The Year Award
Despite some stiff competition from whiskered poker players around the world, motor mouthed Negreanu’s rather thin though delicately trimmed beard has won him the ultimate accolade of Poker Beard of The Year 2013.
It was a close call, McEnvoy threatened to write more of his atrocious books if his grey fuzz did not get some votes. Sklansky got his lawyer involved to verify that less than 10% of his beard was made up of the pubes of women half his age, and late contender Annette Obrestadt was disqualified after it was found her mustache was actually chocolate milkshake.
Tom Dwan has threatened to enter the race next year… if someone could please tell him exactly how one grows a beard?
Indian Court Declares Poker A Game Of Skill
I’m surprised this one did not make the headlines, since poker players are usually so anal about their ‘skill’ element (even though 95% of them would be financially better off playing casino games).
Anyway, this was a high up court, and has set a useful precedent for this country of almost a billion people. We are still waiting for the outcome of a test case to find out whether forum spamming is skill or luck…
Big One For The Drop Back In 2014
Good news for people who have a spare million, the ‘Big One For The Drop’ will return in 2014 with its charitable dual mandate of providing clean drinking water to people without access, and showing average poker players just how fucking poor and insignificant they really are.
56 people will demonstrate just how pathetic your lives are with the winner probably taking home more than the $18 million bagged by the beardless Antonio Esfandiari in 2012. Participants may be required to sign a declaration that they do not see any irony whatsoever in drinking Evian during the event…
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Not the usual cutting edge news today... instead a list of 101 things that make me tilt. If you have any more then let me know, get enough and we can have a follow up '30 more things....' sort of thing.... anyway, no further intro required.
101 Things That Make Me TILT!
1 - Opponents who constantly flat call raises
2 - Typing OMG in the chat box when you lose a 65% / 35% shot
3 - Making a Minus 15 Dollar ev call at the bubble of a SNG then typing 'knew you were bluffing'
4 - Limping Aces
5 - Min Raising Aces
6 - Typing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ into the chat box
7 - Baby Photos At Stars, Your baby is NOT FUCKING Beautiful
8 - Dog Photos at Stars (could be a cat too - do not want to be petist)
9 - Star-wars influenced Screen names, FFS this stopped being cool in 1982!
10 - Claiming poker is rigged when you lose pair vs overpair hand... do you actually know what 20% means?
11 - Typing TY into the chatbox when nobody said 'nice hand'
12 - Short Stacking
13 - Sitting in a Limit game with 700 big bets in front of you
14 - Typing 'Only at XXXXX Poker' when you bust from a tourney (insert site of your choice)
15 - When you fold the big blind getting 3/1 or even 4/1 with antes against a short-stack shove late in a tourney
16 - When you insta-call my all in with KJ sooted
17 - Screen names containing any variations of teddy and KGB
18 - Bad beat stories of any form at any fucking time
19 - Typing 'only online' in the chat box
20 - Screen names containing the words pimp / daddy etc
21 - Pictures of women who would not even notice you existed - ever - as your screen photo
22 - Playing any 2 suited cards
23 - Min-raising out of position after 4 limpers
24 - Acting like you were Phil Fucking Ivey in a $3 poker tournament
25 - French Players
26 - Reload bonuses which take 500 hours to clear
27 - The adverts which pop up when you switch off poker sites when your boss walks past
28 - People who berate fish online... Do you ACTUALLY KNOW where the money comes from??!?
29 - Anyone who tries to convince you that online poker is really truly rigged, honest, just look at my 600 game donkey-play sample for proof
30 - Typing Jokerstars into the chat box
31 - Believing Ace-jack is an unbeatable monster
32 - Calling your opponents 'bingo players' at the bubble of a SNG with <10 blinds="" br="">33 - Raise-folding at that same bubble with 6 blinds yourself
34 - Thinking that any one form of poker is superior to any other, get a life!!
35 - When you give a walk to those medium stacks at the bubble of an MTT
36 - People who ask for private freeroll passwords in the chat
37 - Beggars at the high (or any) stakes tables asking for cash online
38 - Those who think aces give then a fundamental right to a double-up
39 - Eyes in screen photos on Stars / Party
40 - That dumb surfer avatar at Full Tilt
41 - People who limp too many buttons
43 - Those who post coolers / bad-beats onto forums in the guise of asking for strategy advice
44 - Anyone who plays any ace, any where, any time
45 - People who start talking about M, ranges and / or ICM in the chat in a low limit game
46 - Threatening opponents with physical violence in the online chat box - I mean, WFT!!!
47 - Last longer bets...
48 - Typing 'of course' when you have a pair vs Ace-x and the ace hits (aka, not really understanding what 30% means)
49 - Anyone typing 'put you on 99' (for example) based only on a standard pre-flop raise.
50 - Those who join freerolls when blind away because they forgot all about it
51 - Actually make that anyone who plays freerolls ever too
52 - Overcalling a raise, re-raise, 4 bet all-in, call of that 4 bet... with Ace-8 suited
53 - Whining in general in that chat box
54 - Screen pictures of close up eyes
55 - Raising all but one chip
56 - Challenging opponents to heads-up matches you KNOW you can not afford
57 - Offering your opponent 4/1 on an all-in call then berating them for making it
58 - Titan Poker's 'tournament starting' alerts with 5000 pop-up messages
59 - People who type NH every fucking time
60 - Those who call with no pair, no draw and spike their miracle card on the turn
61 - People who think playing at UB is morally reprehensible, yet millions of children dying of easily preventable diseases evry year is just 'one of those things'.
62 - Anyone telling a fish that there is such a thing as VPIP
63 - A big stack at the bubble of a tournament who makes it their personal mission to double up every single short stack at the table
64 - A big stack at the bubble (of a satellite especially) who gives the short-stacked big blind a constant 'walk'
65 - The hoody avatar at Cake Poker
66 - Open limpers in 6-max cash games
67 - Anyone who tries to chat-up the 'ladies' in an online poker game (For fucks sake, there is a minimum 75% chance you are smooth talking some hairy bloke!)
68 - Players who constantly overbet the pot
69 - Complaining that you always bust on coinflips when you actually take several in a row
70 - Trying to look 'tough' by having a scary / horror picture as your avatar
71 - The fact that, even with 2 gig of memory, I can not play at PKR Poker
72 - Typing ZZZZZZZ into the chat box when it is damn obvious your opponent has disconnected
73 - Taking of disconnections nothing worse than losing your internet completely while at the bubbles of 8 $20 SNGs (yep, really)
74 - People from outside of England who display badges of English football teams... just.... WHY?75 - Anyone who mini-raises every hand
76 - Anyone who mini-raises only with aces / kings... and then gets upset when everyone calls and someone doubles up after outflopping them
77 - People who do not adjust to the relative hand strengths in Omaha Poker, but manage to complain when their aces are inevatably cracked.
78 - Going slow to let the blinds go up in a SNG tournament
79 - Anyone who actually believes in a 'Cash Out Curse'
80 - Poker players who believe that they are really really good, just a little unlucky
81 - Saying what you folded after the hand, especially when it was junk that would have made an unlikely straight, for example... "folded 6-3" on a final board of A-4-K-5-7
82 - Pausing an unduly long time before folding EVERY TIME when defending your big blind
83 - The 'Clapping' Animated Smiley at Carbon Poker
84 - Blogs / Forums which contain nothing but bad beats and whining
85 - Set over set
86 - Rabbit Cams (the ones which show what the flop / turn / river would have been)
87 - Anyone who offers to 'chop' at the end of a $5 Multi-table SNG
88 - The chat box morons who rail the 'big name' pros at Full Tilt Poker
89 - Anyone using a lord of the rings picture or name at the table
90 - Players who donk bet the minimum after calling in a 3-bet muli-way pot
91 - Opponents who disconnect, then come back for 1 hand, then disconnect again (repeat!)
92 - Calling the chat moderator service at Poker Stars
93 - Check mini-raising the flop
94 - Showing your big-blind rags when folded to
95 - Showing your strong hands, draws, bluffs or anything else for that matter
96 - Saying GG to every player as they bust, even though they did not even hint at anyfriendliness throughout the game
97 - Pictures of Stu Ungar on Poker Stars
98 - Anyone posting on a forum asking whether their 300% ROI over 167 games or 19PTBB / 100 over 6k hands is good enough for them to 'go pro'
99 - Players who are completely incapable of folding once they have entered a pot (but only if they hit)
100 - Pictures of a pair of aces at Stars... bet you thought it was so fucking original eh?
101 - The thing that tilts me most of all, more than anything else in the world - is YOU.
Lemme know if you have more...
Friday, 6 September 2013
The Truth Behind McCain’s iPhone Poker Game
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Sunday, 18 August 2013
It's celebration time here at the sprawling megolopolis which is Melted Felt HQ. You see, the more *serious* side of the poker press (properly serious you understand, not just compared to the banal waffling which is Melted effing Felt)... have finally caught on that Rakeback is, well, a really sh1t revenue model. I was saying this 4 years ago folks, in my more *serious* sites as well as right here. You looked at me like I was some form of idiot back then (probably true, but that's another story). Now, 4 years later, Amer-i-c-a finally catches on...and starts with the anti-rakeback articles - 'it could never have worked!' they proudly proclaim, like it is some sort of revelation... duh, well, who-d-a-fuvking-though-it???
I know, I know - dear Melted Felt readers - every single one of you woke up this morning thinking the same damn thing... when (oh, when) will Melted Felt re-write the Major General's song from HMS Pinafore to relate (and we mean really relate) to the life of a rakeback poker professional??
Well, we could pretend to be shocked at the co-incidence of all of you waking up thinking the same thing... or we could just crack on with those lyrics, dear little buttercups.
The Modern Rake Professional's Song.
By Gilbert, Sullivan and, erm, Mark
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional,
I've information, HUDs, and reads, and poker moves positional,
I know the kings from aces, and I quote the odds historical
From flushes, straights to gutshots, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand fold equity, both simple and quadratical,
About the zeebo theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts on reverse implied odds for you.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I read the poker book which detailed mathematic-us:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.
I know the poker history, Moneymakers's and Doyle Brunson's;
I delight in value towning, I've a pretty taste to check the nuts,
I quote in online forums, the crimes of Russel Hamiltons,
In chat I diss the fishes, berate donkeys and the donators;
I can tell undoubted poker pros from mouthy novice wannabies,
I know the croaking chorus saying 'rigged!' bemoaning oh-the Jokerstars!
Then I can smell a bluff attempt on which 3rd pair I hit afore,
And 'ty' in the chatbox as the pot is shipped to me of course.
Then I can write a bar bill in megalithic size and form,
And tell you ev'ry detail of dancers sequined uniform:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.
PS: No complaints, or I'll do the phantom of the f-in opera...
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
After a seemingly endless string of finger pointing, lame exuses and squeeky voiced CS reps confidently saying 'It will be with you tomorrow, honest' the truth of the matter has finally emerged. The Feds are sitting rifling through your tax returns, your mom's credit card statements and full details of all 7 of your account - and they are ready to send you the money, well, sort of.
Here is how the Full Tilt bankroll remission process will work:
You see, it turned out that, while Full Tilt owed you $10,000, Full Tilt's cousin, Bill, owed them that exact same amount... so, it like totally makes sense for to save the administration, and just have Bill owe you the $10k - right?
There are a couple of very small problems.
One is that Bill does not particularly like exactly the sort of spotty, greasy, skinny math geeks who built up bankrolls on FTP in the first place. He is a self-proclaimed ladies man, and simply does not believe that calling someone a 'retard' in a chat box anonymously, from 500 miles away is any way for a real man to behave.
Secondly, Bill might not actually have the cash with him, as in on his person, right now... I mean, he does have it, safe and sound, ready to hand over my good friend, ready for you. It's just at his friend Paul's house, across town, and well, Paul just got a short stretch in the lockup, and his girl, she is not too fond of Bill at all, no sir.
Don't worry though, the official Federally administered process of getting what you are owed back from Full Tilt Poker's cousin still stands. There is an official form to fill in for exactly this eventuality, you just need to get it signed and then witnessed by your state tax office.
What Did Full Tilt Say?
We asked Full Tilt why they passed everyones money to their cousin - a completely imaginary spokesman replied that "It clearly states in the Terms and Conditions signed by all players who join that we can change the terms and conditions whenever the f*ck we like" adding "we added clause 12.B.ii.a just the other day, stating that any money owed can be passed to our cousin for safekeeping" and "Paul will be out of prison in only 6 months and will sort everyone's money out then, assuming his girlfriend did not suspect that the huge box marked 'Cash For Full Tilt Remissions' in their lounge was actually full of money...".
Asked whether they planned to offer any payout options which did not involve their cousin, Full Tilt replied that they were looking closely into wrapping your deposits in slightly moldy out of date bacon and tossing it to a pack of stray dogs.
Thursday, 1 August 2013
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Friday, 12 July 2013
Tuesday, 18 June 2013
So, in the name of providing a public service to my vast poker-loving audience, I came up with 10 totally implausible ideas to make the 2014 World Series a little more interesting. As you might expect these are either implausible, stupid or just plain bad … But hey, at least I distracted you from the achingly dull goings on in Vegas for 5 minutes…
Ideas To Make The World Series Of Poker More Interesting
1) Get Simon Cowell involved. He knows how to do it, vote a couple of people off of the final table, give a player or two a real dressing down for bluffing in a bad spot. Audience voting that makes f-all difference, that kind of thing.
2) A ‘Non White Male 20’s to 30’s N American / European’ Event. Yeah, be great to see who is left to step up to the challenge.
3) Get Femen in to protest about something… Nope, I have no idea what their issue is either, extremely angry topless women shouting the place down in Ukrainian has to beat the bore-fest that is just another NL Holdem bracelet event though.
4) Lives. Give every player 3 lives in an event, so if they go out they get to start again. This could be different from a standard rebuy or second chance event by making them real human lives. I’m sure there are enough depressed Emo’s knocking about to volunteer, if not then there are many more on death row who could be lined up, needle in arms, and interviewed before the river card was dealt…
5) November / October 9 ‘em all. Well, it works for the main event, so who not do it for all of the events? Meh.
6) Political Agenda. How about the winners of the bracelets get to vote on the biggest political issue of the day. This year it would probably be whether to arm the liver-eating terrorists in Syria, be cool to see the probable outcome of the vote (which would have to be signed ‘blind’ by the president) swing too and fro as different people won the events.
7) Wild Animals Angle: yeah, a cliché, but then again, a final table played in a pit of poisonous snakes would definitely get the viewing figures up.
8) Shots between blind levels. Childish, but then this blog is my ball and if I go home then the blog is going home with me, or something.
9) Worldwide Events. How about having smaller World Series events in Europe and Australia at different times of the year – giving away ‘bracelets’?? Oh yeah, they already do, and oh yeah, this is about as interesting as watching paint dry too.
10) I got to 10, whooo-hooo, was looking like this post would be destined for the big blog post scrap heap at around 4, phew. Ah yes, you want a 10th suggestion. Well, how about rigging it, a proper scandal, how about we link certain poker celebrities and now defunct poker sites with the floor manager, have an investigation on 2+2, release ‘evidence’ gradually, maybe even a tape. Should be good for a ton of blog posts, and maybe even a book?
Friday, 7 June 2013
What? You don’t remember? Are you absolutely sure about that? Hmmm.
Well, this is a short-form roundup of the poker news I was far to lazy to write a full post about… and it is published on a Friday. I did change the days around a few times back in the day, maybe that is what confused you a little.
Enough pretending that anyone comes back and / or knows what the hell I am talking about… its t-t-t-t-time for this week’s Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup.
Things are getting competitive among the poker sites, with new games and variations stretching the limits of credible poker all the time. Full Tilt already introduced Irish Holdem, and have now gone one better with the awesome 6-card Omaha. If you are the kind of player who does not like to fold, then this game will give you every excuse possible to call just one more time…
The reply from iPoker could not have been swifter or stronger. An imaginary spokesman told us that next month will see 11-Card Stud, with 11-Card Stud Hi-Lo and 11-Card Razz both in development. With 9 separate betting rounds, and 8 up-cards, there will be a choice of pot-limit and fixed limit betting in this game. To avoid problems with running out of cards, the numbers will be increased to 15, with quad 15’s having the special accolade of beating straight flushes which contain jokers.
I look forward to seeing Full Tilt’s reply.
Party Profits Plunge
Following a 17% drop in revenues, you might be wondering whether the merger of Bwin and Party was such a good idea after all. Well, worry ye not! Norbert (known a little Norbi by at least 1 aunt) has a plan.
Instead of wasting all that money actually Marketing their products, Norbert has slashed costs massively by cutting out this unnecessary and frivolous expense from half the fvcking globe. Instead of wasting money on countries like Finland, where they can barely afford to feed their goats, those filthy rich countries with bigger spending fish will be the new focus.
To really get these high-rolling fish moving, Party also announced a promotion where you can collect 10 points to win a scatchcard to see if you get exclusive entry to a $300 freeroll with 7,000 12 year old Romanians… I’m in!
International Stadiums Poker Tour
Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner! Yes, Jakub Michalak beat 4 other participants in London’s Wembley Stadium event, to take home a cool 436k Euros. He actually meant to go and watch the soccer, and got the date wrong so decided to play anyway. Congrats to Jakub, who will probably be really pleased to know that sponsors Lock Poker have *ahem* ‘volunteered’ to handle the payouts…
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Monday, 27 May 2013
Here at Melted Felt, we see ourselves as more of a public service than just a bitter and twisted source of poker news that was funny in 2009, well, for a week or so anyway. Today in a big show of love and tenderness to all readers, we bring you something that you'll not find anywhere else online - unless you actually look. Yes, dear readers, spark up a fat one, project some karma onto those around you and en.. [ Thats enough of that hippy bullsh1t Mark, get on with the f-ing post - Ed]
Right, yeah, well... you know the score, you are playing poker and someone gives you some grief - especially after you skillfully suck out! You just wish you had a whitty come-back, a killer line, a text 'punch' to swing back at your opponent... well you have come to the right post... simply bookmark our monster list of stolen chat comebacks and have them ready to go as soon as you need them!
One more thing, save your comments about how terrible it is to berate fish etc... here at Melted Felt we think all poker players are equally pathetic... trying to act 'less pathetic' here (or on a forum or wherever!) is just, well, pathetic. If you'd like to add some then we are all ears!
The Melted Felt Cut N Paste Poker Chat Comeback List!
- Bring more Russians
- It must be hard to type with those hooves
- When does your book come out?
- Be sure to take advantage of the redeposit bonus
- skill game
- I knew you were bluffing
- GAME OVER, PLEASE DEPOSIT MORE COINS TO CONTINUE
- The jerkstore called and they are running out of you!
- Did you forget there was a river card?
- So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
- czech rebuplic singer from eurovision gay bar GUSTAV HANSEN
- Give me your chips or i shall taunt you a second time
- left u with bus fare
- Not a 2 card game. It's a 7 card game
- mmmmm, you taste like butter pecan
- go home and get your f##king shine-box
- You must be allergic to money. I'm here to help
- typing Donk doesn't make you a good player
- i know that's a lot of money for you
- BOOM HEADSHOT!
- Go rim your uncle
- that's only 50 cents per taco
- I had a read
- Could you speak up a bit. I can't hear you from behind that pile of chips
- Play him off keyboard cat
- Go ask your husband for more money
- Hey you filth son of a foul how could you raise with that fouling hand
- This is all the Lord's will. I am merely his servant
- I am a lucky player. A powerful winning force surrounds me
- What happened you have frozen brain? its too cold to think up there in Canada?
- Give a monkey a typewriter...eventually they'll spell a word.
- Please dont tell me you operate a motor vehicle?
- ty, would you like a receipt for tax purposes?
- No bluffing please
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- please don't get your tears on my money
- you're the reason people think online poker is rigged
- i am just doing notes on you right now and i need another word for donkey
- I just outplayed you
- Call the waaambulance we have a crier
- i learn to win by playing Facebook poker shoot outs
- sorry I x'd the table by accident, what happened?
- you lost to a girl
- In Soviet Russia, cards play YOU
- I've lost more money than you'll ever win
- If you don't shut your mouth im going to take your dad off fries and put him back on burgers
- green type Looks good on you (Stars Only!)
- You played that so bad they may accuse us of collusion
- My mom is here to pick me up for Soccer practice, sorry I took all your money
- go post it on 2+2
- bling blang blaow
- And which dwarf are you?
- but i gotz ze nutz
- How much does 4th pay (SNG Special)
- The f****** nuts bitch; and I don't mean cashews
- I was trapping
- Did someone leave the barn door open?
- *run:code view_hole_cards.exe*t123456.cfg
- You remember back in kindergarten... See Spot Run, Dick and Jane.... THOSE BOOKS ARE HARDER TO READ THAN YOU ARE MF'ER!!
- MAKE ME A BICYCLE CLOWN!!!
- omg kellogs
- That just seemed silly
- It must be hard to read your cards in braile
- 'Prepare to suck the _ock of kharma
- HELLMUTH CLAP!
- Ship it clown
- That would have been a good time not to be not bluffing, no?
- you may have had quads but I now got your moneytingz
- too late axe is already in car
- Way to not let your brain interfere with your heart
- How bout a tall frosty glass of......Busted!!!
- Back to micro? U can take another shot next week buddy
- 'well prayed'
- You know what Johnny? I just dont think you got it
- it doesnt matter how long you wait in the observer chat...fulltilt doesnt let you back in the tourney!
- go eat a carrot
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- super user account, you should get one
- All of your CHIPS are belong to us
- is my play tilting you yet?
- TO YOU THIS IS A REBUY TOURNEY, TO ME THIS IS MY LIFE
- just like milking a cow, first you pull on one and then the udder
- I hope you keep buying goldfish at the county fair and they all die
- sorry, cant hear you im deaf
- sorry, can't hear you my chats turned off
- Is this the Donkey Hall Of Fame Qualifier Table?
- I knew you had me beat. That's why I called
- good luck
- I'll use your money for meds
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- I had a feeling it was comming
- I had implied odds
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- I just absorbed your net worth and can't even afford a Happy Meal
- how can u suck at poker and life
- this is like watching the special olympics, no matter who wins you are both retarded
- Thank God my dick isnt so small that i need to taunt a loser to make it bigger
- are you a hobo?
- when my luck runs out i want to read and get better, like you
PS: A quick (2nd person?) shout to Sit N Go Planet who just launched their German Version 3 years ago... you can check it out here: German SNG Planet!
Monday, 20 May 2013
Meanwhile, Joanne Tooth, owner of the much loved ‘The Family Bakery’ in the High Street of Stratford-Upon-Avon, England is trying to work out why the sudden influx of visitors to her website are not buying too many pastries…
Well, a disconnect of such epic proportions required the veritable tsunami known in the poker business as an investigation by none other than the Melted Felt Mole – who started to get Ahmed’s side of the story.
As an SEO consultant of 3 weeks experience, Ahmed is an old hand by the standards of the industry. He knows complicated buzzwords, acronyms, technical sounding descriptions and fills any gaps in conversation by repeating ‘high quality links, my friend, high quality’ over and over again.
When his fiverr gig promising number 1 rankings on Google was snapped up by Joanne, Ahmed immediately got to work on finding some valuable keywords for his client. Cup-Cakes was far too competitive, bread looked like a possibility, but the search volume was just not there. Then he came across a keyword that was not just beatable, it was a valuable one too – with Adsense indicating that people were paying a mind-boggling $1.34 for a click.
This triggered Ahmed to get to work, he would do everything in his power to get the Family Bakery to the number one spot for ‘Heads Up For Rolls’.
High quality link followed high quality link… Ahmed knew his stuff and would add valuable contributions to forum threads (for example joining in conversations in trainee chef’s forum on dough to explain that they needed a combination of flour, eggs and water). He then went into blog commenting overdrive, complimenting people on no less than 237 posts he had not read. By the end of the night Ahmed had to give back his brothers computer, and it was a painful 2 days before he would get back online to see the results.
The Family Bakery was number one for 'Heads-Up For Rolls', and there was $4 waiting in his Paypal account from fiverr.
Not only was Ahmed now a veteran SEO consultant (his 3 weeks and 3 days putting him firmly in the 3rd quartile, (98% range)), he now had a reference to give out for other customers. The Mole did inquire as to whether Ahmed was worried about the next Penguin update, what with the fact that he basically spammed the bakery up the rankings? Of course, he reminded us that he only deals in high quality links (my friend), and that he was not sure about Penguins at all, in fact he would have to check to see if they are even allowed under sharia law…
Meanwhile, back in Stratford, Joanne has seen an definite increase in visitors to the 3 page website that a local wiz made for her for the bargain price of just $3000 (+ $500 per update)… the only thing is, contact form message after contact form message comes in… and not a single order for birthday cakes or even a French stick – she just can not work out how it is even possible for her rolls to be ‘retarded’.
Friday, 17 May 2013