Thursday, 24 January 2013

Exclusive Tournaments For Guys Pretending To Be Women Now Worldwide

Spotty, greasy-haired young guys who most probably live with their mothers can now join special ‘pretending to be women’ tournaments – on both sides of the Atlantic.

Yes, dearest Melted Felt readers, these games are segregated from regular players and include special leaderboards – and can be found at poker mega-corp PokerStars as well as US-friendly Carbon Poker. What is more, Stars have started their very own pretending to be women club, which features qualifiers to freerolls which are going to be full to the brim with woman-mimicking saddos.

To avoid having to give these poker tournaments a name which is too long, the ‘Pretending to be a woman at the poker tables for who fucking knows what reason, you sad little fuck’ games have had their name shortened to the far more catchy ‘Women’s Tournaments’.

There are of course lots of benefits to playing a game with lots of other players from around the world who are also pretending to be women.

These include showing all the other girls in the room that you are the prettiest of them all, courtesy of your super-model avatar. Of course all the really fucking smart guys (erm, I mean girls) know that having a photo prefect 10/10 model photo is actually very profitable, since everyone believes that is what you really looks like and so underestimates your mathematical skills – enabling you to giggle a little when you make that super-thin value bet… safe in the knowledge that a dog avatar would probably not have got you paid off.

Where were we, ah yes, the ‘Women’s Tournaments’.

It sometimes gets tricky maintaining the feminine image while playing in these games. So the guys who are not quite smart enough to realize that everyone knows exactly what they are doing have developed an utterly transparent syntax for the chat box to bolster their failed image.

This includes typing ‘Biachhh’ instead of Retard when losing a 60/40, and swapping make-up tips googled from teenage magazines, and adding 'hmmm, what a delicious diet milkshake I just had to replace one meal, that should keep my butt trim' immediately following synchronized breaks.

Of course this does break down sometimes, it can be hard not to go off on one after the horror of losing a 70/30 and an 80/20 can lead to the most masculine of outbursts from even the most careful of guys.

Real Women The Victims

Of course, for every 1000 saddo guys there is a na├»ve lady who thinks that Women’s tournaments sound like a great idea and joins the games.

Confused that all the other girls have perfect skin, and names like DeathGrip1993, she may regret uploading that picture of her decidedly ugly baby. Of course, there are some very simple ways to check whether you are playing against a real woman or not:

-1 Backwards Play: This trait is almost universal, look out for huge bets and bluffs when weak and slowplays all the way to the river with the stone cold nuts. This is so prevalent that PokerStars should continue switching their buttons around just to get some money into the damn pots.

-2 The Loooong Pause Followed By All-In: This river move is either a lady or a Russian, everyone else stopped doing it in 2003.

-3 Sitting out for ages at the end of a 5 minute break: Yeah, well, your wife ever told you she will be ready in 5 minutes?

That’s almost that for this exciting installment of Melted Felt, just one more thing before I go. The sexism angle (that’s bias against one gender or the other to you spotty young boys getting excited at the use of the s-word). If there are women-only tournaments – why not Men’s?


Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Lock Poker Add 13 New Pros

They say, dear Melted Felt readers, a poker pro in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. Lock Poker, the awesome US friendly poker site who have never heard of the word ‘withdrawal’, strongly agree. In fact they have been shaking bushes left, right and center and immediately signing up anything that fell out – as long as they could plausibly claim they were a poker pro.

In 2013 their list of poker pros (which already includes such massive household names as Casey Jarzabek and, erm, Justin Cook?) is set for a bigggg boost… with the inclusion of 13 of the sharpest poker minds this side of the Lonely Mountain.

Yes, I am pleased to exclusively announce right here at Melted Felt the signing of none other than Oin, Gloin, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, and Ori – worthy additions to the list of Lock Poker pros.

Making up for their small stature with fucking massive aggression, the new pros have taken a vow not to run too many opponents through with a sword after a bad beat. They are expected to bring their big Hobbit following along too, though Lock are stressing that their security is robust enough to prevent any magic rings forming part of a new super user scandal.

PokerStars Fight Back

The rumor mill is already whirling that PokerStars are not going to take this one lying down. 

With the newly acquired Full Tilt currently only having a couple of big names, and Negreanu expected to last far longer than his remaining hair at their flagship site – Stars have gone ahead with a big little signing of their own. Taking on Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy and Doc. 

Snow White herself was originally going to be part of the deal, until pics emerged of her double teaming Mike Matusow and Phil Helmuth, putting the negotiators right off of their breakfast.

Party Fight Even Backer

Yes, Tony G will have some fine company with the timely announcement that the Sackville-Bagginses are to join the list of Party Pros.

Titan Fight Even Backerer

The leading site on the iPoker Network are no strangers to losing their second tier poker pros, erm, no, I mean – leading the way with awesome poker promotions, or something. After lengthy negotiations with Jimmy Kranky and Dr Evil's mini-me fell through Titan were at a loss with which dwarf to sign.... After ruling out the cast of ‘Time Bandits’and, *ahem* accidentally murdering Pobby from Harry Potter in a terrible anal blunt knife trauma incident - many hands were wrung, several nerves frayed and just about all possible nails chewed…. Alas the story ended well, with Tom Cruise set to join Titan soon.

 Lets hope at least one of you has actually seen Time Bandits...


Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Poker Player Of The Year 2013

It may only be the 2nd of January, but (dear Melted Felt readers) the Poker Player of the year 2013 has already been decided...

I was playing drunk PLO Zoom poker the other night (strange, I always win at Zoom when pissed, only some computer bug or other means my bankroll is lower the next morning) and came across this avatar.

This came from a screenshot of the table, I have not changed or doctored it myself. Yes RaKo777 - you are the Melted Felt Poker Player of the Year 2013!

(pic removed, sorry!)

Unfortunately I was do distracted checking whether this was the 'real thing' that I mis-played my flopped set of 6's... though as a bonus, after calling in my other half to verify, I did learn that Hungarians have a single word for 'a decorated vagina'... vaginull or something like that.

Anyway, its 2013, and I decided to get back to updating Melted Felt again - so spread the word, come back soon and... erm, well, thats it really.

RaKo777 I bow down before you!


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