Thursday, 24 January 2013

Exclusive Tournaments For Guys Pretending To Be Women Now Worldwide

Spotty, greasy-haired young guys who most probably live with their mothers can now join special ‘pretending to be women’ tournaments – on both sides of the Atlantic.

Yes, dearest Melted Felt readers, these games are segregated from regular players and include special leaderboards – and can be found at poker mega-corp PokerStars as well as US-friendly Carbon Poker. What is more, Stars have started their very own pretending to be women club, which features qualifiers to freerolls which are going to be full to the brim with woman-mimicking saddos.

To avoid having to give these poker tournaments a name which is too long, the ‘Pretending to be a woman at the poker tables for who fucking knows what reason, you sad little fuck’ games have had their name shortened to the far more catchy ‘Women’s Tournaments’.

There are of course lots of benefits to playing a game with lots of other players from around the world who are also pretending to be women.

These include showing all the other girls in the room that you are the prettiest of them all, courtesy of your super-model avatar. Of course all the really fucking smart guys (erm, I mean girls) know that having a photo prefect 10/10 model photo is actually very profitable, since everyone believes that is what you really looks like and so underestimates your mathematical skills – enabling you to giggle a little when you make that super-thin value bet… safe in the knowledge that a dog avatar would probably not have got you paid off.

Where were we, ah yes, the ‘Women’s Tournaments’.

It sometimes gets tricky maintaining the feminine image while playing in these games. So the guys who are not quite smart enough to realize that everyone knows exactly what they are doing have developed an utterly transparent syntax for the chat box to bolster their failed image.

This includes typing ‘Biachhh’ instead of Retard when losing a 60/40, and swapping make-up tips googled from teenage magazines, and adding 'hmmm, what a delicious diet milkshake I just had to replace one meal, that should keep my butt trim' immediately following synchronized breaks.

Of course this does break down sometimes, it can be hard not to go off on one after the horror of losing a 70/30 and an 80/20 can lead to the most masculine of outbursts from even the most careful of guys.

Real Women The Victims

Of course, for every 1000 saddo guys there is a naïve lady who thinks that Women’s tournaments sound like a great idea and joins the games.

Confused that all the other girls have perfect skin, and names like DeathGrip1993, she may regret uploading that picture of her decidedly ugly baby. Of course, there are some very simple ways to check whether you are playing against a real woman or not:

-1 Backwards Play: This trait is almost universal, look out for huge bets and bluffs when weak and slowplays all the way to the river with the stone cold nuts. This is so prevalent that PokerStars should continue switching their buttons around just to get some money into the damn pots.

-2 The Loooong Pause Followed By All-In: This river move is either a lady or a Russian, everyone else stopped doing it in 2003.

-3 Sitting out for ages at the end of a 5 minute break: Yeah, well, your wife ever told you she will be ready in 5 minutes?

That’s almost that for this exciting installment of Melted Felt, just one more thing before I go. The sexism angle (that’s bias against one gender or the other to you spotty young boys getting excited at the use of the s-word). If there are women-only tournaments – why not Men’s?


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