Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Lock Poker Add 13 New Pros

They say, dear Melted Felt readers, a poker pro in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. Lock Poker, the awesome US friendly poker site who have never heard of the word ‘withdrawal’, strongly agree. In fact they have been shaking bushes left, right and center and immediately signing up anything that fell out – as long as they could plausibly claim they were a poker pro.

In 2013 their list of poker pros (which already includes such massive household names as Casey Jarzabek and, erm, Justin Cook?) is set for a bigggg boost… with the inclusion of 13 of the sharpest poker minds this side of the Lonely Mountain.

Yes, I am pleased to exclusively announce right here at Melted Felt the signing of none other than Oin, Gloin, Thorin, Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, and Ori – worthy additions to the list of Lock Poker pros.

Making up for their small stature with fucking massive aggression, the new pros have taken a vow not to run too many opponents through with a sword after a bad beat. They are expected to bring their big Hobbit following along too, though Lock are stressing that their security is robust enough to prevent any magic rings forming part of a new super user scandal.

PokerStars Fight Back

The rumor mill is already whirling that PokerStars are not going to take this one lying down. 

With the newly acquired Full Tilt currently only having a couple of big names, and Negreanu expected to last far longer than his remaining hair at their flagship site – Stars have gone ahead with a big little signing of their own. Taking on Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy and Doc. 

Snow White herself was originally going to be part of the deal, until pics emerged of her double teaming Mike Matusow and Phil Helmuth, putting the negotiators right off of their breakfast.

Party Fight Even Backer

Yes, Tony G will have some fine company with the timely announcement that the Sackville-Bagginses are to join the list of Party Pros.

Titan Fight Even Backerer

The leading site on the iPoker Network are no strangers to losing their second tier poker pros, erm, no, I mean – leading the way with awesome poker promotions, or something. After lengthy negotiations with Jimmy Kranky and Dr Evil's mini-me fell through Titan were at a loss with which dwarf to sign.... After ruling out the cast of ‘Time Bandits’and, *ahem* accidentally murdering Pobby from Harry Potter in a terrible anal blunt knife trauma incident - many hands were wrung, several nerves frayed and just about all possible nails chewed…. Alas the story ended well, with Tom Cruise set to join Titan soon.

 Lets hope at least one of you has actually seen Time Bandits...


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