Tuesday, 19 February 2013

All WSOP Entry Fees To Be Determined By Penis Length

Boyed by the positive media reaction to charging douchebag guys 10x more to join the ladies event in this year’s World Series of Poker. The organizers have extended the idea, and have now decided that all the events should have entry fees determined by penis length.

The core idea is that men with big wieners should pay less in the big events than those with cocktail sausages.

A voice inside my head claiming to speak for Hurrah’s explained. “we think it is simply wrong that gents with massive one-eyed trouser snakes should pay the same entry fee as players with …” (at this point our contact stuck out his little finger and pointedly wiggled it… pretty impressive for a head-voice, no?). He continued, “For the $10k championship events we are considering charging $1,500 for every inch less than 10, meaning a *cough*  larger gentleman could get into the game for free, while someone with a  4 inch stubby would end up paying nine grand”

Of course, there have already been murmerings on Twitter that the measurement system is ripe for being gamed. For example, some states measure the underside, starting between the balls, while other stricter states state that the measuring tape must be at the exact join between the penis base and the stomach. “some jokers thinking they have 10 inches actually measures from the part next to their asshole” our spokes-voice confided, “in reality they would be in serious danger from passing sparrows if ever exposed”

Phil Hellmuth, alleged owner of a real whopper of a cock, welcomed the news. He stroked his chin and overtly implied that the organizers would be paying him to sit in the games. At the time of writing we have received no response to our e-mail to Phil titled, ‘So Phil, Exactly how big is your purple-headed womb ferret?’ (sigh)

Online satellite qualifiers have been thrown into confusion by this announcement, with their flat-fee system not designed to cope with the new todger-based fee system”.

PokerStars are apparently worried that guaranteeing seats in the Main Event in a satellite marked ‘Qualifier for guys with penis length between 2 and 4 inches’ would somehow not gain much traction. While changing the entry based on self reported lengths could be open to manipulation. We suggested that Ray Bitar was currently out of work, and could be usefully employed to fly to Vegas and gently cup the balls of all qualifiers before the event started – again for some strange reason nobody replied to our mails.

“What about the women!” I hear you ask.

Well, for the ‘pro grinders’ out there who have yet to experience it for themselves, Women do not have penises (shocking, I know, have coffee guys, insult someone on the 2+2 forum to make yourself feel superior, then come back to this post later).

Breast size was of course considered, though this discriminates against those who choose not to eat like hippos every day… We put the question to our head-voice spokesman who shrugged saying, “you mean outside of the ladies event? Meh, does not matter really, they can just chuck us a couple of bucks, they never win anything anyway.”


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