Thursday, 30 May 2013

The Last Living Soul (2133 AD)

He was the last living soul. Though the wretched, burned, scarred human-android combo had no way of knowing this. His current objective was only to find water, anything for a cold glass of water. He looked around, only fire, devastation and ruin. His helmet-visor display beeped – a new message – there was no time for reading now, his situation was extreme.

The year was 2133 and he was more than 150 years old by the old measures. The war had started in space more than 12 years ago. The moon and Marian bases were destroyed first, then the bombs started raining down to earth. Tit-for-tat destruction of military facilities escalated into the obliteration of cities, which in turn had become a race to scorch the earth of the enemy’s lands. Every square inch of the Planet’s surface lay charred, radiated and toxic.

He raised a mechanically enhanced hand to his visor plate, a sharp bang brought the fuzzy screen back to life. The message was still trying to get through, now flashing in his peripheral vision. He ignored it – instead focusing on his pressing need to stay alive amid the radiation, toxic fumes and searing heat. The status output did not give too much hope. Battery at 7%, oxygen running low and water completely empty. Water, how he craved a tall glass of cold water, he would give anything for a cool, refreshing drink.

Red lights flashed around the inside of his helmet panel, warning that staying still was not an option. Without a new fusion battery his life-systems would start shutting down within hours. Already his power was getting low enough that his radiation shields were at half power.

A charred and bloodied dog scurried through the rubble, ignoring him. It headed south, towards where the downtown area had once stood. A cracking sound and bright light was followed by a yelp, as the dog was taken out by an automated laser defense post. He stood up, and stepping over the dismembered remains of his former squad, carefully followed the route the creature had taken. Maybe the dog knew something, somehow found a supply of food and cool, crystal clear water.

An explosion, blinding light, a ringing noise in his ears… he fell, losing consciousness. Waking up briefly, searing pain, unable to move, trapped by the falling debris of a building, red lights flashing critical warnings inside his helmet visor. He drifted in and out of consciousness, dreaming of dancing, of love, of home cooking and of that cool glass of water.

Warning: Radiation Levels Critical.

Warning: Oxygen Reserves At 1%

Warning: Life Support Systems Terminating In 7 Minutes, 6:59… 6:58…

He had mentally given up. Trapped, legs shattered, he knew this was the end. The Earth he loved was all but destroyed, there was nothing worth holding on for. Even if he could somehow come though there was nothing but devastation and decay. He would be sharing a planet with rats, with dogs and termites. Humanity had proven itself too aggressive to survive – maybe it was best this way… the peace of death suddenly seemed compelling.

Then he remembered the message. That small flashing square behind all the warnings of his imminent death was still there. He was not expecting anything, and as his life support system broke through into the last minute for the last living human he used his last breath to command his suit to access the mail, as his vision faded he read:

Dear Brian

Your cashout request of May 30th 2013 for $350 has been approved! We hope you enjoyed playing with us and look forward to welcoming you back on the site real soon.

The Lock Poker Team


Monday, 27 May 2013

Introducing The Melted Felt Cut N Paste Poker Chat Comeback Resource

Nobody will ever notice that I just recycled an old post , unless I make it bold and red at the top of the blog... well, the poker news is dull as fuck this year.

Here at Melted Felt, we see ourselves as more of a public service than just a bitter and twisted source of poker news that was funny in 2009, well, for a week or so anyway. Today in a big show of love and tenderness to all readers, we bring you something that you'll not find anywhere else online - unless you actually look. Yes, dear readers, spark up a fat one, project some karma onto those around you and en.. [ Thats enough of that hippy bullsh1t Mark, get on with the f-ing post - Ed]

Right, yeah, well... you know the score, you are playing poker and someone gives you some grief - especially after you skillfully suck out! You just wish you had a whitty come-back, a killer line, a text 'punch' to swing back at your opponent... well you have come to the right post... simply bookmark our monster list of stolen chat comebacks and have them ready to go as soon as you need them!

One more thing, save your comments about how terrible it is to berate fish etc... here at Melted Felt we think all poker players are equally pathetic... trying to act 'less pathetic' here (or on a forum or wherever!) is just, well, pathetic. If you'd like to add some then we are all ears!

The Melted Felt Cut N Paste Poker Chat Comeback List!
- Bring more Russians
- It must be hard to type with those hooves
- When does your book come out?
- Be sure to take advantage of the redeposit bonus
- skill game
- I knew you were bluffing
- The jerkstore called and they are running out of you!
- Did you forget there was a river card?
- So now we know why some mammals eat their children...
- czech rebuplic singer from eurovision gay bar GUSTAV HANSEN
- Give me your chips or i shall taunt you a second time
- left u with bus fare
- Not a 2 card game. It's a 7 card game
- mmmmm, you taste like butter pecan
- go home and get your f##king shine-box
- You must be allergic to money. I'm here to help
- typing Donk doesn't make you a good player
- i know that's a lot of money for you
- Go rim your uncle
- that's only 50 cents per taco
- I had a read
- Could you speak up a bit. I can't hear you from behind that pile of chips
- Sigh
- Play him off keyboard cat
- Go ask your husband for more money
- Hey you filth son of a foul how could you raise with that fouling hand
- This is all the Lord's will. I am merely his servant
- I am a lucky player. A powerful winning force surrounds me
- What happened you have frozen brain? its too cold to think up there in Canada?
- Give a monkey a typewriter...eventually they'll spell a word.
- Please dont tell me you operate a motor vehicle?
- ty, would you like a receipt for tax purposes?
- No bluffing please
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- please don't get your tears on my money
- you're the reason people think online poker is rigged
- i am just doing notes on you right now and i need another word for donkey
- I just outplayed you
- Call the waaambulance we have a crier
- i learn to win by playing Facebook poker shoot outs
- sorry I x'd the table by accident, what happened?
- you lost to a girl
- In Soviet Russia, cards play YOU
- I've lost more money than you'll ever win
- If you don't shut your mouth im going to take your dad off fries and put him back on burgers
- green type Looks good on you (Stars Only!)
- You played that so bad they may accuse us of collusion
- My mom is here to pick me up for Soccer practice, sorry I took all your money
- go post it on 2+2
- bling blang blaow
- And which dwarf are you?
- but i gotz ze nutz
- How much does 4th pay (SNG Special)
- The f****** nuts bitch; and I don't mean cashews
- I was trapping
- Did someone leave the barn door open?
- *run:code view_hole_cards.exe*t123456.cfg
- You remember back in kindergarten... See Spot Run, Dick and Jane.... THOSE BOOKS ARE HARDER TO READ THAN YOU ARE MF'ER!!
- omg kellogs
- That just seemed silly
- It must be hard to read your cards in braile
- 'Prepare to suck the _ock of kharma
- Ship it clown
- That would have been a good time not to be not bluffing, no?
- you may have had quads but I now got your moneytingz
- too late axe is already in car
- Way to not let your brain interfere with your heart
- How bout a tall frosty glass of......Busted!!!
- Cashback!
- Back to micro? U can take another shot next week buddy
- 'well prayed'
- You know what Johnny? I just dont think you got it
- it doesnt matter how long you wait in the observer chat...fulltilt doesnt let you back in the tourney!
- go eat a carrot
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- super user account, you should get one
- All of your CHIPS are belong to us
- is my play tilting you yet?
- just like milking a cow, first you pull on one and then the udder
- I hope you keep buying goldfish at the county fair and they all die
- sorry, cant hear you im deaf
- sorry, can't hear you my chats turned off
- Is this the Donkey Hall Of Fame Qualifier Table?
- I knew you had me beat. That's why I called
- good luck , it's the only hope you've got
- I'll use your money for meds
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege
- I had a feeling it was comming
- I had implied odds
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- I just absorbed your net worth and can't even afford a Happy Meal
- how can u suck at poker and life
- this is like watching the special olympics, no matter who wins you are both retarded
- Thank God my dick isnt so small that i need to taunt a loser to make it bigger
- are you a hobo?
- when my luck runs out i want to read and get better, like you


PS: A quick (2nd person?) shout to Sit N Go Planet who just launched their German Version 3 years ago... you can check it out here: German SNG Planet!

Monday, 20 May 2013

Heads Up For Rolls?

A celebration is occurring somewhere on the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan – dear Melted Felt readers. As the SEO efforts of a fine young gentleman by the name of Ahmed show some fantastic results.

Meanwhile, Joanne Tooth, owner of the much loved ‘The Family Bakery’ in the High Street of Stratford-Upon-Avon, England is trying to work out why the sudden influx of visitors to her website are not buying too many pastries…

Well, a disconnect of such epic proportions required the veritable tsunami known in the poker business as an investigation by none other than the Melted Felt Mole – who started to get Ahmed’s side of the story.

As an SEO consultant of 3 weeks experience, Ahmed is an old hand by the standards of the industry. He knows complicated buzzwords, acronyms, technical sounding descriptions and fills any gaps in conversation by repeating ‘high quality links, my friend, high quality’ over and over again.

When his fiverr gig promising number 1 rankings on Google was snapped up by Joanne, Ahmed immediately got to work on finding some valuable keywords for his client. Cup-Cakes was far too competitive, bread looked like a possibility, but the search volume was just not there. Then he came across a keyword that was not just beatable, it was a valuable one too – with Adsense indicating that people were paying a mind-boggling $1.34 for a click.

This triggered Ahmed to get to work, he would do everything in his power to get the Family Bakery to the number one spot for ‘Heads Up For Rolls’.

High quality link followed high quality link… Ahmed knew his stuff and would add valuable contributions to forum threads (for example joining in conversations in trainee chef’s forum on dough to explain that they needed a combination of flour, eggs and water). He then went into blog commenting overdrive, complimenting people on no less than 237 posts he had not read. By the end of the night Ahmed had to give back his brothers computer, and it was a painful 2 days before he would get back online to see the results.


The Family Bakery was number one for 'Heads-Up For Rolls', and there was $4 waiting in his Paypal account from fiverr.

Not only was Ahmed now a veteran SEO consultant (his 3 weeks and 3 days putting him firmly in the 3rd quartile, (98% range)), he now had a reference to give out for other customers. The Mole did inquire as to whether Ahmed was worried about the next Penguin update, what with the fact that he basically spammed the bakery up the rankings? Of course, he reminded us that he only deals in high quality links (my friend), and that he was not sure about Penguins at all, in fact he would have to check to see if they are even allowed under sharia law…

Meanwhile, back in Stratford, Joanne has seen an definite increase in visitors to the 3 page website that a local wiz made for her for the bargain price of just $3000 (+ $500 per update)… the only thing is, contact form message after contact form message comes in… and not a single order for birthday cakes or even a French stick – she just can not work out how it is even possible for her rolls to be ‘retarded’.


Friday, 17 May 2013

iPoker Network In 'Winning Players' Scandal

Shocking news from the iPoker Network, dear Melted Felt readers, as rumors circulated that winning players have somehow infiltrated this previously fish-filled network – and may even be playing while under the table.

Things started with an announcement that player-to-player transfers were banned. Some large affiliates were implicated in 2+2 threads, which were then deleted. Paranoia and rumors then ran wild, with nobody knowing who was responsible for getting decent poker players past the security software on this network. Things took another twist with a big affiliate locked out of iPoker and now things have gone from bad to worse – in an effort to identify the good players a ‘Know Your Customer’ requirement with a deadline of May 20th has been demanded by the network operators.

iPoker are determined to keep their pop-up infested poker client free from winning players, so as to enable the losing majority more opportunity to decimate their bankrolls with the brutally high rake.

The KYC drive should help identify those winning players. With tricky multiple choice questions like ‘Is Ace-Six a premium hand?’, ‘What is the fold button for?’ and ‘What is a withdrawal?’ requiring scanned documents that prove that people still ask for scanned documents. 

Once winners are positively identified they will need to take a photo of their playing setup from at least 3 different angles with a copy of today’s newspaper clearly visible in frame. This is to prove that the players are not in fact playing under the table – which rumors suggest has been an ongoing problem on this network for a number of years. Wear and tear on the carpet, and how ‘natural’ each player looks in their above-table playing position will be taken into account.

There have also been rumors that American players were able to access this network using modern technology including the internet. I was not able to verify this at the time of writing, though understand through psychic contact with an imaginary iPoker rep that potential winning players and people playing under their tables is considered a far bigger problem.

I’ll keep you posted as to when the winners have been kicked off and it is safe to go back to those iPoker tables.


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