Monday, 20 May 2013

Heads Up For Rolls?

A celebration is occurring somewhere on the outskirts of Karachi, Pakistan – dear Melted Felt readers. As the SEO efforts of a fine young gentleman by the name of Ahmed show some fantastic results.

Meanwhile, Joanne Tooth, owner of the much loved ‘The Family Bakery’ in the High Street of Stratford-Upon-Avon, England is trying to work out why the sudden influx of visitors to her website are not buying too many pastries…

Well, a disconnect of such epic proportions required the veritable tsunami known in the poker business as an investigation by none other than the Melted Felt Mole – who started to get Ahmed’s side of the story.

As an SEO consultant of 3 weeks experience, Ahmed is an old hand by the standards of the industry. He knows complicated buzzwords, acronyms, technical sounding descriptions and fills any gaps in conversation by repeating ‘high quality links, my friend, high quality’ over and over again.

When his fiverr gig promising number 1 rankings on Google was snapped up by Joanne, Ahmed immediately got to work on finding some valuable keywords for his client. Cup-Cakes was far too competitive, bread looked like a possibility, but the search volume was just not there. Then he came across a keyword that was not just beatable, it was a valuable one too – with Adsense indicating that people were paying a mind-boggling $1.34 for a click.

This triggered Ahmed to get to work, he would do everything in his power to get the Family Bakery to the number one spot for ‘Heads Up For Rolls’.

High quality link followed high quality link… Ahmed knew his stuff and would add valuable contributions to forum threads (for example joining in conversations in trainee chef’s forum on dough to explain that they needed a combination of flour, eggs and water). He then went into blog commenting overdrive, complimenting people on no less than 237 posts he had not read. By the end of the night Ahmed had to give back his brothers computer, and it was a painful 2 days before he would get back online to see the results.


The Family Bakery was number one for 'Heads-Up For Rolls', and there was $4 waiting in his Paypal account from fiverr.

Not only was Ahmed now a veteran SEO consultant (his 3 weeks and 3 days putting him firmly in the 3rd quartile, (98% range)), he now had a reference to give out for other customers. The Mole did inquire as to whether Ahmed was worried about the next Penguin update, what with the fact that he basically spammed the bakery up the rankings? Of course, he reminded us that he only deals in high quality links (my friend), and that he was not sure about Penguins at all, in fact he would have to check to see if they are even allowed under sharia law…

Meanwhile, back in Stratford, Joanne has seen an definite increase in visitors to the 3 page website that a local wiz made for her for the bargain price of just $3000 (+ $500 per update)… the only thing is, contact form message after contact form message comes in… and not a single order for birthday cakes or even a French stick – she just can not work out how it is even possible for her rolls to be ‘retarded’.


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