Friday, 17 May 2013

iPoker Network In 'Winning Players' Scandal

Shocking news from the iPoker Network, dear Melted Felt readers, as rumors circulated that winning players have somehow infiltrated this previously fish-filled network – and may even be playing while under the table.

Things started with an announcement that player-to-player transfers were banned. Some large affiliates were implicated in 2+2 threads, which were then deleted. Paranoia and rumors then ran wild, with nobody knowing who was responsible for getting decent poker players past the security software on this network. Things took another twist with a big affiliate locked out of iPoker and now things have gone from bad to worse – in an effort to identify the good players a ‘Know Your Customer’ requirement with a deadline of May 20th has been demanded by the network operators.

iPoker are determined to keep their pop-up infested poker client free from winning players, so as to enable the losing majority more opportunity to decimate their bankrolls with the brutally high rake.

The KYC drive should help identify those winning players. With tricky multiple choice questions like ‘Is Ace-Six a premium hand?’, ‘What is the fold button for?’ and ‘What is a withdrawal?’ requiring scanned documents that prove that people still ask for scanned documents. 

Once winners are positively identified they will need to take a photo of their playing setup from at least 3 different angles with a copy of today’s newspaper clearly visible in frame. This is to prove that the players are not in fact playing under the table – which rumors suggest has been an ongoing problem on this network for a number of years. Wear and tear on the carpet, and how ‘natural’ each player looks in their above-table playing position will be taken into account.

There have also been rumors that American players were able to access this network using modern technology including the internet. I was not able to verify this at the time of writing, though understand through psychic contact with an imaginary iPoker rep that potential winning players and people playing under their tables is considered a far bigger problem.

I’ll keep you posted as to when the winners have been kicked off and it is safe to go back to those iPoker tables.


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