Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Dullest World Series Of Poker Ever

Lets face it, dearest Melted Felt readers, the preliminary events of the World Series Of Poker (by which I mean everything up to the last hand of the October 9) are actually very dull. Bracelet after bracelet won by a pasty-faced 20 or 30 something North American with the occasional pasty-faced 20 or 30 something European thrown in for some, erm, variety.

So, in the name of providing a public service to my vast poker-loving audience, I came up with 10 totally implausible ideas to make the 2014 World Series a little more interesting. As you might expect these are either implausible, stupid or just plain bad … But hey, at least I distracted you from the achingly dull goings on in Vegas for 5 minutes…

Ideas To Make The World Series Of Poker More Interesting

1) Get Simon Cowell involved. He knows how to do it, vote a couple of people off of the final table, give a player or two a real dressing down for bluffing in a bad spot. Audience voting that makes f-all difference, that kind of thing.

2) A ‘Non White Male 20’s to 30’s N American / European’ Event. Yeah, be great to see who is left to step up to the challenge.

3) Get Femen in to protest about something… Nope, I have no idea what their issue is either, extremely angry topless women shouting the place down in Ukrainian has to beat the bore-fest that is just another NL Holdem bracelet event though.

4) Lives. Give every player 3 lives in an event, so if they go out they get to start again. This could be different from a standard rebuy or second chance event by making them real human lives. I’m sure there are enough depressed Emo’s knocking about to volunteer, if not then there are many more on death row who could be lined up, needle in arms, and interviewed before the river card was dealt…

5) November / October 9 ‘em all. Well, it works for the main event, so who not do it for all of the events? Meh.

6) Political Agenda. How about the winners of the bracelets get to vote on the biggest political issue of the day. This year it would probably be whether to arm the liver-eating terrorists in Syria, be cool to see the probable outcome of the vote (which would have to be signed ‘blind’ by the president) swing too and fro as different people won the events.

7) Wild Animals Angle: yeah, a cliché, but then again, a final table played in a pit of poisonous snakes would definitely get the viewing figures up.

8) Shots between blind levels. Childish, but then this blog is my ball and if I go home then the blog is going home with me, or something.

9) Worldwide Events. How about having smaller World Series events in Europe and Australia at different times of the year – giving away ‘bracelets’?? Oh yeah, they already do, and oh yeah, this is about as interesting as watching paint dry too.

10) I got to 10, whooo-hooo, was looking like this post would be destined for the big blog post scrap heap at around 4, phew. Ah yes, you want a 10th suggestion. Well, how about rigging it, a proper scandal, how about we link certain poker celebrities and now defunct poker sites with the floor manager, have an investigation on 2+2, release ‘evidence’ gradually, maybe even a tape. Should be good for a ton of blog posts, and maybe even a book?


Friday, 7 June 2013

The Return Of Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Go on, admit it, you missed Quick Fire Friday, didn’t you now…

What? You don’t remember? Are you absolutely sure about that? Hmmm.

Well, this is a short-form roundup of the poker news I was far to lazy to write a full post about… and it is published on a Friday. I did change the days around a few times back in the day, maybe that is what confused you a little.

Enough pretending that anyone comes back and / or knows what the hell I am talking about… its t-t-t-t-time for this week’s Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup.

11-Card Stud

Things are getting competitive among the poker sites, with new games and variations stretching the limits of credible poker all the time. Full Tilt already introduced Irish Holdem, and have now gone one better with the awesome 6-card Omaha. If you are the kind of player who does not like to fold, then this game will give you every excuse possible to call just one more time…

The reply from iPoker could not have been swifter or stronger. An imaginary spokesman told us that next month will see 11-Card Stud, with 11-Card Stud Hi-Lo and 11-Card Razz both in development. With 9 separate betting rounds, and 8 up-cards, there will be a choice of pot-limit and fixed limit betting in this game. To avoid problems with running out of cards, the numbers will be increased to 15, with quad 15’s having the special accolade of beating straight flushes which contain jokers.

I look forward to seeing Full Tilt’s reply.

Party Profits Plunge

Following a 17% drop in revenues, you might be wondering whether the merger of Bwin and Party was such a good idea after all. Well, worry ye not! Norbert (known a little Norbi by at least 1 aunt) has a plan.

Instead of wasting all that money actually Marketing their products, Norbert has slashed costs massively by cutting out this unnecessary and frivolous expense from half the fvcking globe. Instead of wasting money on countries like Finland, where they can barely afford to feed their goats, those filthy rich countries with bigger spending fish will be the new focus.

To really get these high-rolling fish moving, Party also announced a promotion where you can collect 10 points to win a scatchcard to see if you get exclusive entry to a $300 freeroll with 7,000 12 year old Romanians… I’m in!

International Stadiums Poker Tour

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a winner! Yes, Jakub Michalak beat 4 other participants in London’s Wembley Stadium event, to take home a cool 436k Euros. He actually meant to go and watch the soccer, and got the date wrong so decided to play anyway. Congrats to Jakub, who will probably be really pleased to know that sponsors Lock Poker have *ahem* ‘volunteered’ to handle the payouts…


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