Sunday, 21 July 2013

Full Tilt Casino Games Revealed?

There is currently a lot of speculation about Full Tilt Poker going into new verticals… Would it be dating (something with spotty poker grinders have a lot of issues with)? Would it be forex, which has a enough luck involved to make short-term winners feel like they are unbeatable just before they lose their life savings?

Nope, in the end it turned out to be casino games… after all, 92% poker players who argue so vehemently that poker is a ‘game of skill’ are actually losers – so, why not give the opinionated little sh1ts a way to lose without all the silly posturing in between?

The main question now is – what casino games will Full Tilt offer???

Well, I can certainly help out there - not that my suggestions always get taken on board by the operators of course…. Below is the official Melted Felt list of casino games that I think would suit Full Tilt down to the ground.

1)      Bitar BlackJack.
This would work the same as normal blackjack, 5 decks and a dealer standing on a soft 17. Blackjack would play 1.5x and insurance would be available (though only to people who used to have the 100% rakeback accounts). The key difference is that, while playing, your bankroll would be used for the running expenses of the casino – on a temporary basis of course…

2)      Lederer Let-It-Ride
Here is a game which people will be queuing around the virtual block to play. This is a fun card game and has a nice fat margin which is bound to have the people behind this venture drooling like Pavlov’s puppies. In this version, anyone hitting a jackpot hand will be paid personally by Led, he will simply drive around in a big BMW, open up the trunk, and hand you a wad of cash.

3)      Phil Ivey Craps
Who else but the craps-meister himself could be the face behind this somewhat complicated dice game? Nobody will be able to watch you play this game, since Phil only ever plays the high stakes game alone. To avoid any voyeur type issues, specially designed software will only allow you to play this game while sitting on the toilet, craps while taking a crap anyone?

4)      Red Pro Support Slot
This 5 reel, 30 line slot will take your money quicker than Tom Dwan rakes in a single pot bigger than your entire lifetime’s winnings. It will feature the faces of the successful pros who used to play at FTP including Antonius, Hansen, Ferguson and Ivey. There will be jackpots, wild cards, free spins and an animated feature round involving getting a gaming license from Alderney while avoiding auditors. What is special about this slot is that each spin will take a 5c extra rake which goes towards a special charity fund for out of work former red pros who dropped out of college for a 'poker career'… should be a nice supplement to their burger-flipping wages.

5)      DOJ Roulette
My final suggestion is a special game for those US players whose money has been frozen by the feds. Like normal roulette, this will be a brutally fast method of tilting off your hard earned cash… only this game will have a twist. Whenever the double zero is hit, the wheel gets filled with the names of random federal bankroll theft victims, and the ball / wheel is spun again. if you are lucky enough to come up a winner, then your winnings are checked against your tax returns for previous years. If you paid, the who-hooo – your old bankroll gets returned in full. If not, then whoops – that’s 3 to 5 in a federal jail for you! At this point astute readers might note that this could be, well, kind of a disincentive to play… yes, agreed, except, you know they are going to do the tax audit thing anyway, right? Right? RIGHT?

Not sure if I will play the real casino games at Full Tilt or not, the games there seem plenty enough like bingo already for my tastes…


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