Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Full Tilt Remittances FAQ

Changing times call for changing formats, dear Melted Felt readers, and today we witness 'an istoric' moment – without the H. Yes, instead of just blogging away like some bitter old git who still remembers the glory days of when this site actually had a few visitors…. It’s going all q-and-fuckin-a. You must have seen it before, right? Writers in mainstream publications make up *ahem* reader questions before answering them in such a way as to demonstrate their worldly wisdom… no? ah well, never mind.

Today I have 3 varied questions, the first of which is from a dog.

Dear Melted Felt, I wonder if you could help me out. My master used my name to sign-up for a new account after he realized that rakeback would help him lose a little slower. After his mum caught him playing poker and whipped his skinny ass, I took over the account while everyone was asleep, becoming a 6-max grinder and building a 6-figure bankroll. My problem is that it is next to impossible to navigate the remittance process – since I only have paws. Please Help, Rover

Well, thanks for the question Rover, luckily I have experience in these matters, having once resolved a dispute between a spayed cat called Blacky and the iPoker Network. You can probably smell that your master is a weak piece of white trash as soon as he walks into the room. Unfortunately you are going to need him to get this one resolved.

I suggest downloading the new software, start it running, then leaving your dog-license on top of the keyboard and taking an almighty shit in his bed. If this does not work, you should whine loudly next to the computer in the early hours of the morning, and when he comes to find out what is happening you can slowly lick your pointy red dick while looking meaningfully at the Full Tilt poker client.

Once the money is recovered it should just be a case of burying it in the garden, then shagging grandma’s leg until you get thrown out. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Melted Felt, Thanks for being the best poker satire blog which used to be funny and now lives, a shadow of its former self, on page two of Google [Why thanks! – MF]. My question is this; I earned approximately $50,000 per year while losing all my friends as an online poker grinder. Since nobody seemed to be looking I did not bother paying taxes – should I continue with my remittance claim at Full Tilt or not? Brian, MA

Well Brian, you really should continue with the claim. The main reason for this is that the tax people already know about your fraudulent tax returns – and whether you claim your frozen money or not makes fuck all difference to the fact that you are looking at 5 years minimum as a fraudster, haha, hahaha, hahahahaha, ha.

Dear Melted Felt,I have been whining on different forums about the $63k I had locked up in my FTP account for a couple of years now, and getting a ton of sympathy and respect. The problem is that I really only had $7.30c + a freeroll token. My friends are fully expecting me to join the high stakes cash games at Merge, my girl is expecting a vacation and my Dad thinks I’ll pay him back the loan for my wheels – what should I do? Nate, FL

Well, Nate, you are not alone, it is estimated that 97% of people on a certain poker forum are exaggerating their wealth, skill level and knowledge of poker strategy. The other 3% are a mix of spammers, retards and trolls.

You are in luck, I can actually help out here. Having looked at your HM database I came the conclusion that you are in fact a great player who is just a little unlucky. I really felt for you in that 6 way hand in the beginners freeroll with middle set, unbelievable how that guy caught his flush on the turn, you were spot on with that stuff about his mother in the chat box.

Anyway, since you are obviously ready for the higher stakes I’d like to wire you a big wad of cash. Only I need to verify that your bank account is valid first. Here is what I propose; Just get your dad’s bank card details, account number, pin and that little number on the back of his card, you know, the one next to the signature… Oh and if you could find out what your Mom's family name was before she married, that would be great too. Send them over to me and I will do a test wire to you, say $10k initially. Once you verify that the money is safely received I can send $53k more, and you can get cracking on the $10 / $20 games… how does that sound?

If you  have any more questions about Full Tilt remittances you can add them in the comments, I never publish comments of course, but if asking makes you feel good, more power to you.


Tuesday, 20 August 2013

Lake Woebegone Poker Review

above average player just keep getting bad beats inpoker
Not really done reviews here at Melted Felt before, but this new poker site was good enough for me to break with tradition*
*no, not the tradition of no longer being funny, that one stands.

Lake Woebegone Poker is a truly unique online experience, not least because every fucking player there is well above average in their poker skill level. Yes, from the brand new fish through to the palest of Mom’s basement grinders, not a single player there ever makes a mistake – though they do seem to suffer at the hands of others who do make errors.

There are many things to attract the first time player to Lake Woebegone Poker. First us that you will never see your poker bankroll go down, ever, this could happen to bad players of course, but since every player is well above average – they all see their bankrolls increase over time. This is real money which can be cashed out at any time, but hell, while that number looks so pretty moving up the graph at 45degrees, why spoil things by cashing out?

WBG Poker players experience a redline which is 100% identical to their profits on the HM graphs and leak finding apps will naturally always come up blank. If you are not sure what that means, simply making a small first deposit will result in the entire poker jargon dictionary being beamed directly into your brain from a specially designed satellite.

Coin-flips situations in cash games are resolved by running it 12 times, and if there is still one player ahead then the special software splits the view so that both players get to win the hand. Oh, and there are no cards lower than 6 in the deck, reducing the number of unplayable starting hands by 113%.

Tournaments At Lake Woebegone Poker

These are a little tricky to handle in a site where everyone is so far above average that they feel the need to spite-rail anyone who puts a beat on them for at least 2 hours. I think you’ll enjoy the way that WBG poker handle these games...

Each time a player busts out (must have been a mis-click, right?) a new shadow-tournament begins. This grows as more players bust out, with a 3rd, then 4th game appearing as players bust the second then third one. In the end everybody wins a tournament – though the person who comes 2nd in the second from last one only really beats themselves… not a big problem at the happy, joyful poker site which is Lake Woebegone, as that person gets free entry to tomorrow’s game to make up for it.

Are You Eligible To Play?

This site has the best software and promos which make all of their player’s millionaires almost every week. So you can understand that they need to be a little selective about who they let into their doors.

The criteria are quite tough, you’ll need to be an above average driver, above average between the sheets, above average penis length for the guys and tits to waist ratio for the girls, better than average looking and smarter than average even to get past the first round of applications. Yeah, I know you’ll pass this part no problem, every-fucking-body thinks they would.

Once you are through the pre-screening, you’ll have to go through an arduous 1-on-1 interview. The site owners are looking for some kind of proof that you got to be above average at poker naturally, without studying or watching training videos. They want to see some solid fish berating, and make sure that you timed down and typed ‘ty’ in the chat box when you get put all-in while holding the nuts. They want to see some thinly disguised gloating on the 2+2 forums while calling out others who gloat with a lower post count than you and they want to see that you really effing mean it when you tell them that you are really are damn good at poker– just unlucky.

So, I know you are well above average – so delay no further, click this link to check out LakeWoebegonePoker.com now! 

Lake WoebegonePoker - where every player is above average... 

Sunday, 18 August 2013

The Very Model Of A Modern Rake Professional

It's celebration time here at the sprawling megolopolis which is Melted Felt HQ. You see, the more *serious* side of the poker press (properly serious you understand, not just compared to the banal waffling which is Melted effing Felt)... have finally caught on that Rakeback is, well, a really sh1t revenue model. I was saying this 4 years ago folks, in my more *serious* sites as well as right here. You looked at me like I was some form of idiot back then (probably true, but that's another story). Now, 4 years later, Amer-i-c-a finally catches on...and starts with the anti-rakeback articles - 'it could never have worked!' they proudly proclaim, like it is some sort of revelation... duh, well, who-d-a-fuvking-though-it???

I know, I know - dear Melted Felt readers - every single one of you woke up this morning thinking the same damn thing... when (oh, when) will Melted Felt re-write the Major General's song from HMS Pinafore to relate (and we mean really relate) to the life of a rakeback poker professional??

Well, we could pretend to be shocked at the co-incidence of all of you waking up thinking the same thing... or we could just crack on with those lyrics, dear little buttercups.

The Modern Rake Professional's Song.
By Gilbert, Sullivan and, erm, Mark

I am the very model of a modern rake-professional,
I've information, HUDs, and reads, and poker moves positional,
I know the kings from aces, and I quote the odds historical
From flushes, straights to gutshots, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand fold equity, both simple and quadratical,
About the zeebo theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts on reverse implied odds for you.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I read the poker book which detailed mathematic-us:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.

I know the poker history, Moneymakers's and Doyle Brunson's;
I delight in value towning, I've a pretty taste to check the nuts,
I quote in online forums, the crimes of Russel Hamiltons,
In chat I diss the fishes, berate donkeys and the donators;
I can tell undoubted poker pros from mouthy novice wannabies,
I know the croaking chorus saying 'rigged!' bemoaning oh-the Jokerstars!
Then I can smell a bluff attempt on which 3rd pair I hit afore,
And 'ty' in the chatbox as the pot is shipped to me of course.
Then I can write a bar bill in megalithic size and form,
And tell you ev'ry detail of dancers sequined uniform:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.


PS: No complaints, or I'll do the phantom of the f-in opera...

Wednesday, 7 August 2013

Full Tilt Remission Issues Solved, By Their Cousin.

Melted Felt is happy to be able to bring some exclusive news to those US players waiting years for a remission  from Full Tilt Poker - the issues have been temporarily resolved with the help of Bill, Full Tilt Poker's cousin.

After a seemingly endless string of finger pointing, lame exuses and squeeky voiced CS reps confidently saying 'It will be with you tomorrow, honest' the truth of the matter has finally emerged. The Feds are sitting rifling through your tax returns, your mom's credit card statements and full details of all 7 of your account - and they are ready to send you the money, well, sort of.

Here is how the Full Tilt bankroll remission process will work:

You see, it turned out that, while Full Tilt owed you $10,000, Full Tilt's cousin, Bill, owed them that exact same amount... so, it like totally makes sense for to save the administration, and just have Bill owe you the $10k - right?

There are a couple of very small problems.

One is that Bill does not particularly like exactly the sort of spotty, greasy, skinny math geeks who built up bankrolls on FTP in the first place. He is a self-proclaimed ladies man, and simply does not believe that calling someone a 'retard' in a chat box anonymously, from 500 miles away is any way for a real man to behave.

Secondly, Bill might not actually have the cash with him, as in on his person, right now... I mean, he does have it, safe and sound, ready to hand over my good friend, ready for you. It's just at his friend Paul's house, across town, and well, Paul just got a short stretch in the lockup, and his girl, she is not too fond of Bill at all, no sir.

Don't worry though, the official Federally administered process of getting what you are owed back from Full Tilt Poker's cousin still stands. There is an official form to fill in for exactly this eventuality, you just need to get it signed and then witnessed by your state tax office.

What Did Full Tilt Say?

We asked Full Tilt why they passed everyones money to their cousin - a completely imaginary spokesman  replied that "It clearly states in the Terms and Conditions signed by all players who join that we can change the terms and conditions whenever the f*ck we like" adding "we added clause 12.B.ii.a just the other day, stating that any money owed can be passed to our cousin for safekeeping" and "Paul will be out of prison in only 6 months and will sort everyone's money out then, assuming his girlfriend did not suspect that the huge box marked 'Cash For Full Tilt Remissions' in their lounge was actually full of money...".

Asked whether they planned to offer any payout options which did not involve their cousin, Full Tilt replied that they were looking closely into wrapping your deposits in slightly moldy out of date bacon and tossing it to a pack of stray dogs.


Thursday, 1 August 2013

Melted Felt Forgiveness Special - Pope, NSA and, erm, Jimmy

It’s not often that us online poker players get forgiven by the angry sky god who rules the lives of millions people who are unable to think for themselves... So it goes without saying that I just had to mark the occasion with a Melted Felt special on the subject of forgiveness… Yes dear readers, I bring you mind-blowing forgiveness-themed news from the Pope, the NSA and Jimmy from somewhere dull in the east of England.

Pope Forgives Poker Players

First up, the holy pappy himself – Pope Franky-boy – has reached out to bedroom-dwelling online poker players throughout the world. Yes, on a flight back from a sold-out gig in Brazil he was quoted as saying: ‘If a person is an online poker grinder and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?

Now, I want to be clear here… this God he is talking about is the big bearded dude who gives solace and hope to people in a world ripped apart by, erm, religion – and not the Poker Gods who bring you those ‘one-times’ and make sure you win coin-flips at vital moments in tournaments...

So far the reaction from poker players has been rather muted, so we will have to say whether this offer of non-judging sticks. Pope Franky did later add the caveat that Sit N Go players are kind of beyond saving – what with it being more like effing bingo than real poker…

NSA Jump On The Forgiveness Bandwagon

I am sure you figured by now, the National Security Agency know what you have been up to poker-wise. Think about it, every e-mail, phone call, text message and Google search and porn site viewed is safely logged in their servers… and you think they somehow forgot to log the hours you put in in low buy-in cash games? Well, did you?

Some good news on the forgiveness front from the ‘land of the formerly free’ though – as part of an amnesty to mark the legalization of poker in New Jersey, the entire database of slowrollers is to be deleted. This will wipe out an estimated 230,000 known slowrollers in all forms of the game logged since 2004.

It is not all good news I am afraid to report. To balance things out, all those players who saw a raise, re-raise and an all-in ahead of them, and still went into their timebank before folding junk hands are to be immediately ‘outed’ to their bosses, friends and entire families. If you do not want to face your pretty little 7 year old daughter coming home from school in floods of tears after her friends find out her Dad used ‘cunt time’ just to be a bastard when he should have just quickly folded, then you had better pack up and leave now. No sympathy from Melted Felt either, you fvcking sicko.

Jimmy From Basildon Forgives Too

Finally, some more personal forgiveness news. Jimmy, 19, from Basildon near London has officially forgiven ‘natedog12243’ for rivering a 4-outer and busting him from the $3+30c $1500 guaranteed at PokerStars, just short of the paying places.

Initially Jimmy was very upset and had relentlessly pursued Nate via the chat window for the next hour and a half threatening all sorts of things involving rubber gloves which can not be published in a family poker satire blog. After his inevitable chat ban turned into a spat with security over e-mail which got his account frozen, with subsequent ‘mums accounts’ suffering the same fate, Jimmy has had time to reflect, and would like to downgrade his initial onslaught to just a single, sarcastic, ‘well played, donkey’. I'm sure that makes things all better then.

With so much love and forgiveness in one post I’m feeling positively angelic, so angelic that I might even forgive you for not coming back and reading more often, go-on, bookmark me now, or I’ll tell the fvcking Pope.


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