Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Full Tilt Remittances FAQ

Changing times call for changing formats, dear Melted Felt readers, and today we witness 'an istoric' moment – without the H. Yes, instead of just blogging away like some bitter old git who still remembers the glory days of when this site actually had a few visitors…. It’s going all q-and-fuckin-a. You must have seen it before, right? Writers in mainstream publications make up *ahem* reader questions before answering them in such a way as to demonstrate their worldly wisdom… no? ah well, never mind.

Today I have 3 varied questions, the first of which is from a dog.

Dear Melted Felt, I wonder if you could help me out. My master used my name to sign-up for a new account after he realized that rakeback would help him lose a little slower. After his mum caught him playing poker and whipped his skinny ass, I took over the account while everyone was asleep, becoming a 6-max grinder and building a 6-figure bankroll. My problem is that it is next to impossible to navigate the remittance process – since I only have paws. Please Help, Rover

Well, thanks for the question Rover, luckily I have experience in these matters, having once resolved a dispute between a spayed cat called Blacky and the iPoker Network. You can probably smell that your master is a weak piece of white trash as soon as he walks into the room. Unfortunately you are going to need him to get this one resolved.

I suggest downloading the new software, start it running, then leaving your dog-license on top of the keyboard and taking an almighty shit in his bed. If this does not work, you should whine loudly next to the computer in the early hours of the morning, and when he comes to find out what is happening you can slowly lick your pointy red dick while looking meaningfully at the Full Tilt poker client.

Once the money is recovered it should just be a case of burying it in the garden, then shagging grandma’s leg until you get thrown out. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Melted Felt, Thanks for being the best poker satire blog which used to be funny and now lives, a shadow of its former self, on page two of Google [Why thanks! – MF]. My question is this; I earned approximately $50,000 per year while losing all my friends as an online poker grinder. Since nobody seemed to be looking I did not bother paying taxes – should I continue with my remittance claim at Full Tilt or not? Brian, MA

Well Brian, you really should continue with the claim. The main reason for this is that the tax people already know about your fraudulent tax returns – and whether you claim your frozen money or not makes fuck all difference to the fact that you are looking at 5 years minimum as a fraudster, haha, hahaha, hahahahaha, ha.

Dear Melted Felt,I have been whining on different forums about the $63k I had locked up in my FTP account for a couple of years now, and getting a ton of sympathy and respect. The problem is that I really only had $7.30c + a freeroll token. My friends are fully expecting me to join the high stakes cash games at Merge, my girl is expecting a vacation and my Dad thinks I’ll pay him back the loan for my wheels – what should I do? Nate, FL

Well, Nate, you are not alone, it is estimated that 97% of people on a certain poker forum are exaggerating their wealth, skill level and knowledge of poker strategy. The other 3% are a mix of spammers, retards and trolls.

You are in luck, I can actually help out here. Having looked at your HM database I came the conclusion that you are in fact a great player who is just a little unlucky. I really felt for you in that 6 way hand in the beginners freeroll with middle set, unbelievable how that guy caught his flush on the turn, you were spot on with that stuff about his mother in the chat box.

Anyway, since you are obviously ready for the higher stakes I’d like to wire you a big wad of cash. Only I need to verify that your bank account is valid first. Here is what I propose; Just get your dad’s bank card details, account number, pin and that little number on the back of his card, you know, the one next to the signature… Oh and if you could find out what your Mom's family name was before she married, that would be great too. Send them over to me and I will do a test wire to you, say $10k initially. Once you verify that the money is safely received I can send $53k more, and you can get cracking on the $10 / $20 games… how does that sound?

If you  have any more questions about Full Tilt remittances you can add them in the comments, I never publish comments of course, but if asking makes you feel good, more power to you.


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