Thursday, 1 August 2013

Melted Felt Forgiveness Special - Pope, NSA and, erm, Jimmy

It’s not often that us online poker players get forgiven by the angry sky god who rules the lives of millions people who are unable to think for themselves... So it goes without saying that I just had to mark the occasion with a Melted Felt special on the subject of forgiveness… Yes dear readers, I bring you mind-blowing forgiveness-themed news from the Pope, the NSA and Jimmy from somewhere dull in the east of England.

Pope Forgives Poker Players

First up, the holy pappy himself – Pope Franky-boy – has reached out to bedroom-dwelling online poker players throughout the world. Yes, on a flight back from a sold-out gig in Brazil he was quoted as saying: ‘If a person is an online poker grinder and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?

Now, I want to be clear here… this God he is talking about is the big bearded dude who gives solace and hope to people in a world ripped apart by, erm, religion – and not the Poker Gods who bring you those ‘one-times’ and make sure you win coin-flips at vital moments in tournaments...

So far the reaction from poker players has been rather muted, so we will have to say whether this offer of non-judging sticks. Pope Franky did later add the caveat that Sit N Go players are kind of beyond saving – what with it being more like effing bingo than real poker…

NSA Jump On The Forgiveness Bandwagon

I am sure you figured by now, the National Security Agency know what you have been up to poker-wise. Think about it, every e-mail, phone call, text message and Google search and porn site viewed is safely logged in their servers… and you think they somehow forgot to log the hours you put in in low buy-in cash games? Well, did you?

Some good news on the forgiveness front from the ‘land of the formerly free’ though – as part of an amnesty to mark the legalization of poker in New Jersey, the entire database of slowrollers is to be deleted. This will wipe out an estimated 230,000 known slowrollers in all forms of the game logged since 2004.

It is not all good news I am afraid to report. To balance things out, all those players who saw a raise, re-raise and an all-in ahead of them, and still went into their timebank before folding junk hands are to be immediately ‘outed’ to their bosses, friends and entire families. If you do not want to face your pretty little 7 year old daughter coming home from school in floods of tears after her friends find out her Dad used ‘cunt time’ just to be a bastard when he should have just quickly folded, then you had better pack up and leave now. No sympathy from Melted Felt either, you fvcking sicko.

Jimmy From Basildon Forgives Too

Finally, some more personal forgiveness news. Jimmy, 19, from Basildon near London has officially forgiven ‘natedog12243’ for rivering a 4-outer and busting him from the $3+30c $1500 guaranteed at PokerStars, just short of the paying places.

Initially Jimmy was very upset and had relentlessly pursued Nate via the chat window for the next hour and a half threatening all sorts of things involving rubber gloves which can not be published in a family poker satire blog. After his inevitable chat ban turned into a spat with security over e-mail which got his account frozen, with subsequent ‘mums accounts’ suffering the same fate, Jimmy has had time to reflect, and would like to downgrade his initial onslaught to just a single, sarcastic, ‘well played, donkey’. I'm sure that makes things all better then.

With so much love and forgiveness in one post I’m feeling positively angelic, so angelic that I might even forgive you for not coming back and reading more often, go-on, bookmark me now, or I’ll tell the fvcking Pope.


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