No doubt you have read the news about Senator McCain, dear Melted Felt readers. Caught playing iPhone poker during a debate about how whether gassing innocent Syrian children should be considered naughty enough to warrant firing missiles that will probably kill more innocent children, or, erm, not.
Well, what you did not hear was the true story behind that poker game.
Until now you will not have known exactly who was playing, or exactly how high the stakes were… I’ll leave you in suspense no longer, here it is:
The Truth Behind McCain’s iPhone Poker Game
We pick up the action just after British Prime Minister David Cameron had folded a pair of aces pre-flop, receiving deathly stares from both John Kerry and Francios Hollande, who were rubbing each other’s thighs under the table.
The action came to McCain, who announced all-in, only remember that he was playing with President Obama’s chips and would have to ask nicely first. When Obama decided to check their hand, while he posted the situation on the popular 2+2 poker forums for a vote, McCain’s fat xmas bonuses from many of the largest defense companies in the world suddenly looked in jeopardy.
Next Assad looked at his cards. As he had been bought into the game by Iran, and owed them a lot of money after losing half his country in previous hands, he had to be careful, he only had a pair of 8’s, but it did not matter, Iran were ready with more chips if he busted out… and after all, President Putin was next to act, and he could be relied on to veto any UN resolution on a flop that did not contain an 8.
Putin himself folded, then denied folding, did a deal with Iran to get a new card, folded one of them, swapped the other with China and finally announced that he would veto the whole game if he did not win. Obama texted McCain, reminding him that Putin’s army is actually a bit on the shit side nowadays, so not to worry too much. China, who were not even playing, unfortunately vetoed the reminder.
Hollande was next to act, and announced that since it was past 15:15 (French time) he had finished work for the day and was off to claim his social benefits graciously paid for by Germany. Attempts by Kerry to get him to play were met with upturned palms, raised eyebrows and a threat to go on strike.
Finally, the action came to Netanyahu, who fixed his steely gaze on Assad, put in a solid raise, then ordered a couple of fucking big missiles to be fired to make it seem more effective.
McCain, Assad and Putin all called the bet.
It was time for the flop.
While the rest of the world assumed the conflict would be dealt with diplomatically, John Kerry nervously played pocket billiards while giving Hollande a sideways smile, and Assad ordered some children to be napalmed – the course of history itself was resting on the deal of 3 cards.
It came, Ace, Queen, Eight…
Cameron fiddled with his tie, Netayanu ordered some more impressive bombs fired, Kerry excused himself and went to the restroom to cuddle up with Francios Hollande in private - and the Iranians, whose man in the game now held a monster hand of 8-8-8 pulled themselves up to their full height and threatened to blow America to smithereens… Though the effect was lost by the fact that their full diplomatic height was close to level with McCain’s ankles.
McCain bet out, raising the specter of a sustained air campaign with bombs that could fly around fucking corners. Assad flat called, appealing for the UN to stop the Senator’s chip-based aggression to hide the true strength of his hand. Putin flat called, but only on the condition that he could tell his own people it was a bold and impressive raise. Netanyahu threw in a big chip, and ordered an airstrike to go with it… unfortunately he did not say ‘raise’ so his bet was taken as a call and the airstrike downgraded to a ‘large scale bombing raid’.
An offsuit Jack.
Chips were riffled, gazes (complete with narrow-eyed Clint Eastwood style squints) were exchanged and, in the tense silence, strange squelching noises were overheard coming from the restroom.
McCain looked worried, surely there was a way to turn this into war. Not going to war was simply un-American, it would cost union jobs, and what about God, surely God would be furious if these freaks and pussies avoided a good old fashioned war?
Assad saw that a straight was now possible, but, with Iran backing him, he had plenty of chips to find out if anyone had the King-Ten needed to make it. He raised once again, a big raise, big enough to get Putin to fold, deny folding, veto the entire game and then claim he had not folded at all and just did not need to match the bet due to big oil and gas reserves and, erm, China. His cards were mucked only after everyone else at the table agreed to publicly name him the winner. Netanyahu now had no hand and no draw, his only option was to call another airstrike and send a couple of Mossad, agents to kill the extended family (+pets and close friends) of the dealer, he folded too. McCain spoke to Obama on the phone, then slowly, and silently called Assad’s bet.
The river was a ten
Now any King made the nut straight.
Slowly McCain reached for his chips, began to slide them forward as Assad squirmed… then his phone beeped, it was Obama once again, reminding McCain that he had better wait – the vote from the 2+2 poker forums was not yet in….