Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Perfect Day (Poker Player's Reprise)

Oi, Reed, yes - YOU!

Bloody ageing rock stars going around snuffing it, only to leave their damn songs stuck in the head of owners of poker satire blogs which used to be funny... 

Just not on, not on at all.

*Ahem* anyway.

Thought I'd mark the occasion of the passing of yet another celeb I did not really know was still alive until he was not, with a poker players special version of 'Perfect Day'... This one is bound to bring tears to the eyes of all you fucking idiots who thought grinding for a living would 'set you free', enjoy.

Perfect (Poker) Day

What a perfect day, sat round in my underpants
Logged straight on to PokerStars, and then played
Ooh such a perfect day twelve tabling poker games
Then later a tourney too and then zoom

It’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it alone
Such a perfect day, you just keep me grinding on,
You just keep me grinding on

Such a perfect day, set, straight and a royal flush
I miss having friends sometimes, but not much
Such a perfect day, you just keep me grinding on
You just keep me grinding on

Such a perfect day, berated a fish or two
Made me feel special though, really good
Such a perfect day, not corporate slavery
Just sitting here really free, in the dark

Oh it’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it alone
Such a perfect day, you make me forget myself
I thought I was someone else, someone good

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow
VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow

VPPs, VPPs, VPPs, VPPs will just grow


Friday, 25 October 2013

Quick Fire Friday Poker News Roundup

Its Friday, the favorite day of the week for people who think 2 days off in a row is reason enough to live the life of a slave! Friday used to mean a roundup of the poker news every week here at Melted Felt. That was in the good-old days, when this blog used to be funny. Now as the world’s only poker satire blog what is *officially* no longer funny, I am proud to bring you the Friday roundup slightly less often than I can be bothered – if that.

Anyway, this is the paragraph where I summarize the week’s news and tell you how fucking exciting it is. Whoop whoop, its great this week, awesome, poker is really very interesting, no, you are not dull at all, poker players are balla, I mean, whooo, cool and everything.



I’ll crack on with the roundup then.

Negreanu Wins Poker Beard Of The Year Award

Despite some stiff competition from whiskered poker players around the world, motor mouthed Negreanu’s rather thin though delicately trimmed beard has won him the ultimate accolade of Poker Beard of The Year 2013.

It was a close call, McEnvoy threatened to write more of his atrocious books if his grey fuzz did not get some votes. Sklansky got his lawyer involved to verify that less than 10% of his beard was made up of the pubes of women half his age, and late contender Annette Obrestadt was disqualified after it was found her mustache was actually chocolate milkshake.

Tom Dwan has threatened to enter the race next year… if someone could please tell him exactly how one grows a beard?

Indian Court Declares Poker A Game Of Skill

I’m surprised this one did not make the headlines, since poker players are usually so anal about their ‘skill’ element (even though 95% of them would be financially better off playing casino games).

Anyway, this was a high up court, and has set a useful precedent for this country of almost a billion people. We are still waiting for the outcome of a test case to find out whether forum spamming is skill or luck…

Big One For The Drop Back In 2014

Good news for people who have a spare million, the ‘Big One For The Drop’ will return in 2014 with its charitable dual mandate of providing clean drinking water to people without access, and showing average poker players just how fucking poor and insignificant they really are.

56 people will demonstrate just how pathetic your lives are with the winner probably taking home more than the $18 million bagged by the beardless Antonio Esfandiari in 2012. Participants may be required to sign a declaration that they do not see any irony whatsoever in drinking Evian during the event…


Sunday, 20 October 2013

101 Things That Make Me TILT

Not the usual cutting edge news today... instead a list of 101 things that make me tilt. If you have any more then let me know, get enough and we can have a follow up '30 more things....' sort of thing.... anyway, no further intro required.

101 Things That Make Me TILT!

1 - Opponents who constantly flat call raises
2 - Typing OMG in the chat box when you lose a 65% / 35% shot
3 - Making a Minus 15 Dollar ev call at the bubble of a SNG then typing 'knew you were bluffing'
4 - Limping Aces
5 - Min Raising Aces
6 - Typing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ into the chat box
7 - Baby Photos At Stars, Your baby is NOT FUCKING Beautiful
8 - Dog Photos at Stars (could be a cat too - do not want to be petist)
9 - Star-wars influenced Screen names, FFS this stopped being cool in 1982!
10 - Claiming poker is rigged when you lose pair vs overpair hand... do you actually know what 20% means?
11 - Typing TY into the chatbox when nobody said 'nice hand'
12 - Short Stacking
13 - Sitting in a Limit game with 700 big bets in front of you
14 - Typing 'Only at XXXXX Poker' when you bust from a tourney (insert site of your choice)
15 - When you fold the big blind getting 3/1 or even 4/1 with antes against a short-stack shove late in a tourney
16 - When you insta-call my all in with KJ sooted
17 - Screen names containing any variations of teddy and KGB
18 - Bad beat stories of any form at any fucking time
19 - Typing 'only online' in the chat box
20 - Screen names containing the words pimp / daddy etc
21 - Pictures of women who would not even notice you existed - ever - as your screen photo
22 - Playing any 2 suited cards
23 - Min-raising out of position after 4 limpers
24 - Acting like you were Phil Fucking Ivey in a $3 poker tournament
25 - French Players
26 - Reload bonuses which take 500 hours to clear
27 - The adverts which pop up when you switch off poker sites when your boss walks past
28 - People who berate fish online... Do you ACTUALLY KNOW where the money comes from??!?
29 - Anyone who tries to convince you that online poker is really truly rigged, honest, just look at my 600 game donkey-play sample for proof
30 - Typing Jokerstars into the chat box
31 - Believing Ace-jack is an unbeatable monster
32 - Calling your opponents 'bingo players' at the bubble of a SNG with <10 blinds="" br="">33 - Raise-folding at that same bubble with 6 blinds yourself
34 - Thinking that any one form of poker is superior to any other, get a life!!
35 - When you give a walk to those medium stacks at the bubble of an MTT
36 - People who ask for private freeroll passwords in the chat
37 - Beggars at the high (or any) stakes tables asking for cash online
38 - Those who think aces give then a fundamental right to a double-up
39 - Eyes in screen photos on Stars / Party
40 - That dumb surfer avatar at Full Tilt
41 - People who limp too many buttons
43 - Those who post coolers / bad-beats onto forums in the guise of asking for strategy advice
44 - Anyone who plays any ace, any where, any time
45 - People who start talking about M, ranges and / or ICM in the chat in a low limit game
46 - Threatening opponents with physical violence in the online chat box - I mean, WFT!!!
47 - Last longer bets...
48 - Typing 'of course' when you have a pair vs Ace-x and the ace hits (aka, not really understanding what 30% means)
49 - Anyone typing 'put you on 99' (for example) based only on a standard pre-flop raise.
50 - Those who join freerolls when blind away because they forgot all about it
51 - Actually make that anyone who plays freerolls ever too
52 - Overcalling a raise, re-raise, 4 bet all-in, call of that 4 bet... with Ace-8 suited
53 - Whining in general in that chat box
54 - Screen pictures of close up eyes
55 - Raising all but one chip
56 - Challenging opponents to heads-up matches you KNOW you can not afford
57 - Offering your opponent 4/1 on an all-in call then berating them for making it
58 - Titan Poker's 'tournament starting' alerts with 5000 pop-up messages
59 - People who type NH every fucking time
60 - Those who call with no pair, no draw and spike their miracle card on the turn
61 - People who think playing at UB is morally reprehensible, yet millions of children dying of easily preventable diseases evry year is just 'one of those things'.
62 - Anyone telling a fish that there is such a thing as VPIP
63 - A big stack at the bubble of a tournament who makes it their personal mission to double up every single short stack at the table
64 - A big stack at the bubble (of a satellite especially) who gives the short-stacked big blind a constant 'walk'
65 - The hoody avatar at Cake Poker
66 - Open limpers in 6-max cash games
67 - Anyone who tries to chat-up the 'ladies' in an online poker game (For fucks sake, there is a minimum 75% chance you are smooth talking some hairy bloke!)
68 - Players who constantly overbet the pot
69 - Complaining that you always bust on coinflips when you actually take several in a row
70 - Trying to look 'tough' by having a scary / horror picture as your avatar
71 - The fact that, even with 2 gig of memory, I can not play at PKR Poker
72 - Typing ZZZZZZZ into the chat box when it is damn obvious your opponent has disconnected
73 - Taking of disconnections nothing worse than losing your internet completely while at the bubbles of 8 $20 SNGs (yep, really)
74 - People from outside of England who display badges of English football teams... just.... WHY?75 - Anyone who mini-raises every hand
76 - Anyone who mini-raises only with aces / kings... and then gets upset when everyone calls and someone doubles up after outflopping them
77 - People who do not adjust to the relative hand strengths in Omaha Poker, but manage to complain when their aces are inevatably cracked.
78 - Going slow to let the blinds go up in a SNG tournament
79 - Anyone who actually believes in a 'Cash Out Curse'
80 - Poker players who believe that they are really really good, just a little unlucky
81 - Saying what you folded after the hand, especially when it was junk that would have made an unlikely straight, for example... "folded 6-3" on a final board of A-4-K-5-7
82 - Pausing an unduly long time before folding EVERY TIME when defending your big blind
83 - The 'Clapping' Animated Smiley at Carbon Poker
84 - Blogs / Forums which contain nothing but bad beats and whining
85 - Set over set
86 - Rabbit Cams (the ones which show what the flop / turn / river would have been)
87 - Anyone who offers to 'chop' at the end of a $5 Multi-table SNG
88 - The chat box morons who rail the 'big name' pros at Full Tilt Poker
89 - Anyone using a lord of the rings picture or name at the table
90 - Players who donk bet the minimum after calling in a 3-bet muli-way pot
91 - Opponents who disconnect, then come back for 1 hand, then disconnect again (repeat!)
92 - Calling the chat moderator service at Poker Stars
93 - Check mini-raising the flop
94 - Showing your big-blind rags when folded to
95 - Showing your strong hands, draws, bluffs or anything else for that matter
96 - Saying GG to every player as they bust, even though they did not even hint at anyfriendliness throughout the game
97 - Pictures of Stu Ungar on Poker Stars
98 - Anyone posting on a forum asking whether their 300% ROI over 167 games or 19PTBB / 100 over 6k hands is good enough for them to 'go pro'
99 - Players who are completely incapable of folding once they have entered a pot (but only if they hit)
100 - Pictures of a pair of aces at Stars... bet you thought it was so fucking original eh?
101 - The thing that tilts me most of all, more than anything else in the world - is YOU.

Lemme know if you have more...


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