Monday, 16 December 2013

Lock Poker Take On Mandela Signer To Solve Withdrawal Issues

It has been a long week, dear Melted Felt readers, where greedy entitled lazy cunts all around the world have likened their quest to get more for doing less with the lifelong struggles of Nelson Mandela.

At least the sad death of such an epic guy had a happy ending for one individual.

With the scandal fake deaf signer Thamsanqa Jantjie still reverberating around the echo chamber of online news, we are happy to announce that he has found a new job in the poker industry.

Thamsanga has accepted the role of heading up withdrawals at Lock Poker, and will start as soon as he comes out of hiding.

You may be surprised at this appointment, but insiders are almost certainly not.

He has all the right qualifications, including:

-          - The balls to stand up in front of billions of people talking absolute nonsense (well, signing, but hey, that’s good enough for Lock).

-          - A prior conviction for Theft.  (ok, he did get caught, but nobody is perfect)

-        -   Got away with Murder. (probably!)

-          - Trusted enough to stand with world leaders including Obama. (as long as nobody checks)

Lock are 100% confident that Thamsanga will have the payout issues solved and the poker site back on track within days.

If not, well, it was all the Revolution Gaming network’s fault, and a rogue payment processor and some dodgy players pretending to be affiliates and… what issues? There are no fucking issues! Just one or two people, no big deal, they created the problem for themselves by doing something wrong, nope, we can’t tell you what, of course our payments are among the fastest in the industry… Just ask Tham.


Wednesday, 4 December 2013

PokerStars To Deliver Bad-Beats By Drone

We know that PokerStars have lead the way in technology, dear Melted Felt readers, but today I can exclusively reveal an innovation that will simply blow your mind.

In 2014, bad beats will be delivered by Drone.

You’ll get to the turn way ahead, confident of hitting that final table or winning a huge cash game pot. Instead of seeing the river card online, you’ll hear the approaching hum of a quadcopter. This will arrive at your window with a box attached, which will contain your river card. Knowing your luck this will be that 2-outer that you were dreading, again.

Already accounting clerks who never shot anything bigger than a spud-gun have posted tough-sounding Facebook messages saying they’ll be hunting the drones down.

Already people who will never make anything happen in their entire lives have declared that nobody will be able to make it happen.

Already, you are starting to worry that 2014 will not actually be the year you ‘finally catch a break’, and wondering if losing all that money over a number of years can really be explained by being ‘good but unlucky’.

But What If I Win The Hand?

I get it. You want to know if the drones will also deliver winning cards, after all, if there are two people in the hand and no tie possible, then one of them has to win – right?


The thing is, that online poker is specifically rigged against you.

Yes, you.

That low value player from an average neighborhood whose main contribution to the poker world is the occasional whine in the chat-box.

An entire team of highly skilled programmers, psychologists and AI experts has come together to specifically rig the games to make you lose. The clever thing is that they have managed to do this while maintaining the randomness of the deal over billions of hands tracked by millions on individuals and tracking services.

Clever, eh?

This team have cunningly come together to take your $8 Sit N Go entry fees, a little more often than average, even though you’d lose it anyway over any significant sample size.

So, no problem with the drones bringing bad beats there then, you’ll hear the hum and know that the river card is going to beat you again.

We asked a spokesperson from Stars to comment, only they were far too busy laughing at the fact that their seasonal promotion is bigger than all the other poker sites, casinos and sports-betting operators combined to reply.


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