Thursday, 30 January 2014

Fastest Online Poker Games (Stupid Fast Edition)


Poker, dear Melted Felt readers, has got fast enough.

Oh yeah, it started innocently enough… a turbo here and a ‘speed’ there. Before we knew it time banks were tiny, blinds were going up faster and antes were leaving your stack faster than you could rake in pots.

Then Full Tilt started the great speed-up-poker arms race, conveniently just before they went broke and crashed into 18 months of oblivion. Rush Poker cut out the waiting time between hands by pooling players together, though even this was not the end of the escalation.

Hyper-Turbo tournaments followed, then Rush got emulated around the world, with Zoom, Speed Holdem and, erm, well, Strobe? *ahem* Anyway, there were soon tournaments in this format, and 2x and 3x turbos where you could buy back in for 1/3rd of a small blind…

Now, in 2014, things have started to get silly.

Adrenaline Rush Poker sees Rush cut down to 10 blinds with no pesky post-flop play to slow things down.

Twister Sit N Goes at iPoker give you random prize pools, 3 handed hyper turbos (with antes!) and enough fish to drive you absolutely fucking nuts.

I have seen enough.

How about we just get to the natural end of this process already and stop messing around with increments? Look Poker sites, you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that all you want is our fucking money… so come on, take it, take it fast and take it all.

Just to speed up the speeding up process I came up with 3 poker games which are so fast that if you sneeze you might miss them.

Fastest Poker Games Online #1 – Bankroll Refresh Holdem

Instead of messing around with cards, I am suggesting we just put a big red ‘Play’ button next to each player’s balance in the cashier. Whenever this is clicked, their bankroll either goes up a bit, or down a bit. We could make it more exciting with the occasional big win. To make it feel like a game of skill there should be some cards dealt (quickly, of course) and some chip noises.

To give it that real world effect how about adding a chat box where someone randomly pops up and calls the player a retard now and again?

Fastest Poker Games Online #2 – JD Speedball Poker

This one is a bit of an online / offline hybrid and would involve taking a serious amount of Crystal Meth, Opiates and washing them down with a bottle of Jack Daniels. When you wake up you’ll find that you have played a million hands of holdem, with your strategy decided by which keyboard buttons your head
falls onto when you pass out. You’ll be able to check your balance which will be displayed in extra big letters, along with the address of your nearest ER clinic.

Fastest Poker Games Online #3 – Large Hadron Collider Ass-Chip Challenge

Alright, this one is not online at all, but man, that beam in the collider is fast, and I mean really fast. Here is how I imagine the LHCACC to go:

First the player chooses a Texas Holdem hand, which is to be held firmly between their teeth.

Next they bend forward until their head is at the place where the beams of the Collider cross and the dealer shoves their buy-in into their ass using small denomination chips.

The beams are then started and collide inside the player’s head. The remaining chips in his ass are then counted and double this is returned to the player, along with 7 frequent player points.

Sounds fucking fast to me.


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