Tuesday, 10 November 2015

If Poker was Other Hobbies...

Today, dear Melted Felt readers, I am going to delve deep into the world of that strange (and frankly pointless) phenomenon known as... other pastimes.

As strange as it may sound - for years now human beings have been doing things with their time other than playing poker. You know, getting out and about, meeting people... developing as human beings rather than multi-tabling robots... Here I look into these odd wastes of time called 'hobbies'... and see what they would look like if poker players were the main participants.

We start with a good walk spoiled in the form of Golf, where our online poker player goes into the final hole leading by 2 strokes. His sole opponent gets a lucky deflection off of a small rock, and *ping* lands within a foot of the pin - sinking his putt to snatch the match at the last moment. Of course, our poker player follows him around for the next 30 minutes hurling insults him, quoting his previous scores and reminding him that he will be a loser over the long run...

Our second online poker player takes up Sport Fishing, consistently coming in 4th to 6th in terms of number and weight of fishes caught. But do you know what? If he just had an average number of bites he could probably become a pro...

If Poker Players Collected Stamps?

Next to the high-adrenaline world of stamp collecting. Where our online poker player has just lost out in dollar terms after a couple of small trades. No problem of course - it is just time to move wayyy up in value to where fellow collectors respect his trading.

Chess has always been considered the ultimate mental test with levels of thinking running into unimaginable heights. Our poker player posted a position on a popular forum after moving his Queens Bishop to G6, only to see his opponent spring a well constructed trap and force mate in 4 moves... of course our poker player utterly rejected advice that he should have moved his Rook instead, after all he was very comfortable playing a bishop post-flop at this level, in fact he went on to insult the records of everyone who tried to help him and explain why his was the superior play - just for good measure, you fucking retards.

Finally we pop in to the retro-gamers club of New York State University, where an online poker player decided to enter the yearly Doom tournament... he lost of course, after all he was, erm, we really need to say it? you sure? ok then, Doomswitched (sigh).

Bringing this post back has just reminded me of an important message for the 90% of poker players who lose (thats ok, I know it is you, I won't tell anyone, you can continue to pretend to be a shark on 2+2)... anyway, my advice is this, play casino games, you'll lose slower and have the chance of a big windfall. Find out more at www.sitandgoplanet.com/casino/casino.html


Friday, 10 July 2015

Virtual WSOP Bracelet Reminds Everyone How Dull Online Poker Is

There was a little buzz, some timely clich├ęs and more than a little desperation among the hordes of journalists covering the World Series of Poker this year, deal Melted Felt readers.

This was the challenge of reporting on the brand new ‘online bracelet’.

After using up the words like ‘Historical’, ‘ground breaking’ and ‘inaugural’, the fact that the reports were on a series of anonymous screen names began to sink in.

Sure, we would find out who the players were – especially at the end when the final table moved over to a live event. At the same time a clash of hands between ‘Nate245’ and ‘BigFish78’ was never going to have the appeal of a match up between living, breathing pros at a featured table at the Rio.

Journalists cover the online games must be painfully aware of this already. With exciting reports of winners that the universe never knew it was supposed to give a shit about coming and going every week.

One thing that the online bracelet event did very well is to remind us all how agonizingly dull online poker is. Hats off to the miserable souls who think of themselves as ‘free’ sitting in front of monitors all day long clicking like a robot.

California Withdraw Poker Bills

Could the withdrawal of the 2 poker bills in neighboring CA really be a coincidence here?
I’d like to spread that little seed of doubt.

The one which says that they saw the online bracelet event, remembered what a painful and utterly dull experience online poker is, and said ‘fuck it, lets just keep the horse racing part of the bills’.

I guess we’ll never know…

Meanwhile, the US poker networks have changed position in terms of traffic considerably…


Sunday, 22 February 2015

Poker Site Closes After Raid by Seals With Clubs

Shocking news from the world of bitcoin poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Nobody likes to see a poker room closing, especially one where a select group of poker pros sit waiting all day for an unwitting bitcoin user to come along before raping them for their bankroll.

What makes this even more shocking is that there was a home visit to one of the owners.

Bryan Micon was apparently sitting at home, relaxing, and waiting for the next bitcoin fish to rape, when there was a knock at the door.

He answered, only to find out that his entire front lawn was covered in seals with clubs.

Big seals with big clubs, little fluffy white seals with those oh so cute big brown eyes with machetes, performing seals on podium balancing hand grenades on their noses, and a sea lion which was having something of an identity crisis.

‘It was like, scary’ said Micon via telepathic brain melding with Melted Felt HQ, ‘those seals were angry as hell’. ‘I did all I could to get word out to bring herring, and could only buy time with a couple of cans of tuna and half a fillet-o-fish which was left over’.

Micon then tried to escape back into the house, only for a particularly ugly seal with terrible fish-breath to break down the door, handcuff him and parade him in his underpants through Las Vegas.
Luckily, a quick thinking neighbor was able to diffuse the situation for long enough for Micon to make his escape by inflating a couple of beach balls and throwing them into the crowd.

As things stand, the poker site is down, though withdrawals are still possible – nobody knows for how long. Micon is now safely in Antigua, where he has employed a group of sharks (at exorbitant shark union rates) to patrol the waters for seals. At the time of writing it is unclear whether Calvin Ayre was standing by with his flock of knife-wielding parakeets.

Micon is said to be taking the technology which was used to found the bitcoin poker rape machine with him, and hoping to resume normal service as soon as possible. There are some serious questions being raised right now as to whether ’Monkeys with Bazookas’ is really the best choice of name…


ps: check out www.hightechgambling.com for no satire stories at all, I promise.

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