Sunday, 22 February 2015

Poker Site Closes After Raid by Seals With Clubs

Shocking news from the world of bitcoin poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Nobody likes to see a poker room closing, especially one where a select group of poker pros sit waiting all day for an unwitting bitcoin user to come along before raping them for their bankroll.

What makes this even more shocking is that there was a home visit to one of the owners.

Bryan Micon was apparently sitting at home, relaxing, and waiting for the next bitcoin fish to rape, when there was a knock at the door.

He answered, only to find out that his entire front lawn was covered in seals with clubs.

Big seals with big clubs, little fluffy white seals with those oh so cute big brown eyes with machetes, performing seals on podium balancing hand grenades on their noses, and a sea lion which was having something of an identity crisis.

‘It was like, scary’ said Micon via telepathic brain melding with Melted Felt HQ, ‘those seals were angry as hell’. ‘I did all I could to get word out to bring herring, and could only buy time with a couple of cans of tuna and half a fillet-o-fish which was left over’.

Micon then tried to escape back into the house, only for a particularly ugly seal with terrible fish-breath to break down the door, handcuff him and parade him in his underpants through Las Vegas.
Luckily, a quick thinking neighbor was able to diffuse the situation for long enough for Micon to make his escape by inflating a couple of beach balls and throwing them into the crowd.

As things stand, the poker site is down, though withdrawals are still possible – nobody knows for how long. Micon is now safely in Antigua, where he has employed a group of sharks (at exorbitant shark union rates) to patrol the waters for seals. At the time of writing it is unclear whether Calvin Ayre was standing by with his flock of knife-wielding parakeets.

Micon is said to be taking the technology which was used to found the bitcoin poker rape machine with him, and hoping to resume normal service as soon as possible. There are some serious questions being raised right now as to whether ’Monkeys with Bazookas’ is really the best choice of name…


ps: check out for no satire stories at all, I promise.

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