Saturday, 4 June 2016

WSOP 2016 Final Table Social Guides Leaked

The World Series of Poker 2016 is underway, dear Melted Felt readers. This is the time of year when poker players ‘take over’ Las Vegas by holding poker tournaments which have daily fields smaller than the capacity of an average Vegas nightclub and an *astonishing* 10% or so of the average conference…

A lot of lucky players are going to break through this year.

They’ll win a lot of money, enough to change their lives in some cases.

Since this often leads to what you might call ‘adjustment problems’ it seems that a proactive approach was needed by the tournament organizers. Yes, this year every WSOP final table player will be issued with a guide. The title ‘Beyond Mom’s Basement’ will show that this covers a lot of life-skills and areas which most poker players will not be familiar with at all.

These include:

#1 Girlfriends: All that money is sure to attract a nice girl, even for the saddest ‘poker pro’. Since the vast majority of players only have experience of the ladies via a combination of pornhub and their chip-shuffling right hands – there is a definite requirement for some tips. The guide will include sections on how to treat your lady, remembering birthdays and anniversaries and the startling news that following what you see on pornhub might not be quite what the lady was after in bed.

#2 Personal Hygiene: That extra money means the potential for fancy restaurants rather than noodles and pizza. This new found ability to be seen in the world of ‘normal people’ will necessitate some grooming. Showering now needs to be daily, shirts ironed and cologne worn. It is going to be a shock to many poker fans that out there in the world, people change their underwear every day.

#3 Communication Skills: This area of training is perhaps the toughest to get through. Many poker players have no idea that out there in the real world, the *ahem* challenging communication norms at 2+2 are not in use. In fact, people are generally polite, friendly and helpful. The WSOP organizers realize that bridging this gap all at once is too much to ask, and have instead opted for a stage by stage approach. First the message that calling most people you meet a ‘retard’ will not get you far in the real world is repeated often enough to sink in. After that some basic social skills can be taught. It is not expected that poker grinders will ever make it to the normal level of sociability.

With so many events this year and so much prestige and fame associated with winning one of the coveted bracelets. Melted Felt would like to take this moment to congratulate all the winners from last year… because just like you, I can remember every last one of them….

Or maybe not.


PS; Check out damn it!

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

PokerStars NJ Breaks Record with 3 FULL Tables

It was the moment that US online poker has been waiting for – the return of reg-infested PokerStars to the US of A. I am pleased, dear Melted Felt readers, to report that things have gone swimmingly well as far as the launch is concerned.

Things went so well that New Jersey online poker broke a new record, as a 3rd cash game table was completely full (with 1 person waiting) on Easter Sunday at around 5pm. Sure, all of the tables featured 8 regs all multi-tabling and 1 clueless fish wondering why his limps were always getting reraised… but let’s not nit-pick, we are celebrating here! Celebrating the fact that a poker site that is only really good because they have the massive volume of players that allows more games and bigger promos returning to the US – without their biggest benefit. Of course, once the fish lost a couple of buy-ins he went back to the casino games and the regs swapped bankrolls for the next 3 hours while Stars took the rake…

Wonder-f-ing-full news.

Now, here at Melted Felt gratitude is the name of the game [are you sure about that, I thought it was poker? Ed]. I for one am very grateful to all the poker players who continue to play at Amaya properties despite the investigation of their CEO into insider trading deals. 

Players have obviously taken a look at the history of online poker, rationally assessed the risk to their bankrolls should the owners be found to be corrupt and decided that the rewards of playing against hordes of multi-tabling regs outweighs any risk. Or maybe they just assume that ‘it’s different this time’.

After all… what could possibly go wrong when the person in charge of the site which is your livelihood gets indicted?

Rake Increases

I’ll finish this post by adding my comment on the recent rake increases. No, not to congratulate a certain Mr Negreanu for being man enough to state that these were put in place to increase revenue for the owners… that’s all well and good.

I wanted to applaud the regs for their indigent ‘told you so’ posts over at 2+2 after DN came out with his comments.

You were probably able to work this out for yourselves if you had really really put your mind to it guys.

Then again, we are talking about a group of people who think that they are doing some kind of favor to a fish by sitting in a table with their HUDs and experience and raping new players of their bankroll within minutes… this kind of ‘service’ is known as ‘providing volume of games’, right?

I’ll look forward to bringing you more happy, sparking, wonderful news of US online poker soon!


Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Striking PokerStars Grinders to Bring in Arthur Scargil

PokerStars Grinders StikeYou may, dear Melted Felt readers, assume that multi-tabling grinders are the kind of players responsible for suffocating the beautiful game of poker. Well the word on the street is that grinders have rights too, and that if these rights are not respected then there will be trouble*

*well, mostly bitching and passive-aggressive posturing, but whatever

With their VIP rewards curtailed without warning (unless you count the clear warning over a year ago), the grinders decided to take some drastic action.

To prove that instead of slowly killing the games by targeting new players and raping them of their poker bankrolls before they gained any experience that they were in fact ‘very valuable’ to the poker community… they organized 2 strikes!

They really showed PokerStars what they are made of!

The coughing and staring at shoes when Stars announced that they were pleased with the result of the strike since the recreational players (who actually deposit money) lasted longer and had a more enjoyable time is not the point – the point is that… the main factors are… erm, the most vital lesson is that… hmmmm…

Undeterred the grinders, who claim the right to be fed new fish forever under the UN Human Rights Act, staged a second strike.

Oh yeah, they fired another fucking barrel!

This also proved that the poker ecosystem is a lot better off without them. I mean statistically and mathematically proved, not just proved as in someones opinion.

Poker sites like the iPoker Network are stroking their chins and taking note… maybe those grinders who are so very proud of making up the volume while they bust newcomers are a liability rather than an asset after all.

Scargil to the Rescue

With opinion and time running out the grinders have pulled out the proverbial pot sized bet on the river and got someone who has some experience to manage their team.

Arthur Scargil famously fought Margret Thatcher in the 1980s as head of the National Union of Mineworkers. Seeing picket lines, a 3 day working week and, erm, marches though streets.
The rumor is that he will create a manifesto for the grinders. This will then be debated by sub-committees, before going to a main committee of representatives for a final ballot. If the motion passes then the big strike will begin.

Anyone then found playing will be labelled as a scab, may be spat at and will no longer be welcome at the working man’s club in the village.

Scargil has some caliber. If this strike is as effective as the minors strike, we could see this action going on for a year or more. It is thought that food parcels will not be needed, as most of the grinders have their mum put dinner on the table at 5:30 anyway… which is a big help.

Of course, the British mining industry has been pretty much fucked since the strike allowed cheaper countries to open up their own mines and undercut the Brits.

Best not tell the grinders just yet, eh?

Alternative Employment?

PokerStars have generously offered to enroll their grinders into a socialization program, designed to give them the skills needed to become productive members of society again. While several years in a darkened room clicking a mouse and berating fish in the chat can make it difficult to adjust to interacting with real people again, there is still hope for many.

As the VIP rewards go down, and the poker tools get further restricted… I look forward to being served my morning latte by ex-grinders, blinking in the cold light of day, very soon.


Sunday, 10 January 2016

Online Poker Predictions for 2015 (updated January 2016)

Time for an update... was I right? was I wrong as usual?? Does the universe care?

Turned out I was fvcking right!!

6 out of 6 predictions nailed.

Think you could beat me in 2016? Great, just keep it to yourself, its not as if I actually give a sh1t what you think now, is it?

Here we are 

Well, I managed to do it before the end of January, so that counts, right?

You can check back at the end of the year and see how fucking right I was, dear Melted Felt readers. I’m making some bold predictions. Putting my reputation, the reputation of this blog, the reputation of my family, my friends and even my dog on the line here…

What is more, I’m doing it all for you (no, not the general ‘you’… I mean you specifically, yeah, you – the person reading this right now).

Anyway, enough intro, lets delve right in:

Melted Felt Online Poker Predictions for 2015

#1 – 26,703 new players will upload the ‘Joker’ from Batman as their player pic / avatar. They will consider themselves super-smart and super-tricky. They will suck air through their teeth about what a cool idea it was, oblivious to the quarter-million others who have already done this over the years. They will check with strong hands and bet with weak ones, tricking a couple of drunk opponents, while gifting stacks to just about anyone who knows what a stupidly predictable strategy these joker retards use.

Yep, turned out to be an underestimate... and every f uck ing last one of them thought they were being both 'cool' and original, monkeys!

#2 – The Fastest Poker Ever: The ultimate fast game will be invented. It will use your history of play from your last 100 sessions, combine this with random cards (and those of your opponents) and simply give you the result 3 seconds after the game starts. You’ll be able to play up to 100 games at once. I’m copyrighting this concept right now under the name of Wump Poker. That’s the sound a human body makes hitting the sidewalk after jumping from the 20th floor.

Wump or no wump, all-in every hand tournaments are now a thing, usually as promos for fish. I'm counting this as another correct prediction. 

#3 – US Poker: False hope will spread among the US poker playing community at least 6 times. PokerStars in New Jersey will create headlines like ‘300% increase’ (from the pitiful few to a temporary small crowd) and bills will be submitted in States which most people would need a map to locate. A federal ban will be dodged too. We will end 2015 the exact same as 2014, though the PPA will claim victory (again).

Hmmm, PokerStars is still to come, though there has been some false hope in Pennsylvania and CA too... well done PPA, really earned your golfing breaks yet again last year.

#4 – High Stakes Pros will swap bankrolls. That’s all. Some will win, others will lose, we will be impressed, and forget about it all within 2 days. Until the next report.

They only went and did it, up, down and up and down again - correct!

#5 – The WSOP Main Event: This will be won by a white male in his 20’s or 30’s. I know, I know, out there with this one.

Wow, how the fuc k did I manage to nail this? Joe McKeehen took it down! Might well double-down on this one for 2016!

#6 – Casino Snobbery: More poker pros will leave PokerStars in the wake of casino games being introduced. They will be applauded by the poker community, though the pros will be quietly laughing that 90% of the ‘casino games snobs’ would actually lose a lot less money playing games with a house edge than their usual poker games.

Pretty sure that the 'grinders strike' is plenty enough evidence that the small stakes pros are still completely detached from reality... I'm off to play some slots!

Feel free to add some of your own predictions (with your inside voice please, I mean, its not as if anyone really gives a shit).


PS, check out my new website, its really good (honest), all about gambling - 

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