Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Striking PokerStars Grinders to Bring in Arthur Scargil

PokerStars Grinders StikeYou may, dear Melted Felt readers, assume that multi-tabling grinders are the kind of players responsible for suffocating the beautiful game of poker. Well the word on the street is that grinders have rights too, and that if these rights are not respected then there will be trouble*

*well, mostly bitching and passive-aggressive posturing, but whatever

With their VIP rewards curtailed without warning (unless you count the clear warning over a year ago), the grinders decided to take some drastic action.

To prove that instead of slowly killing the games by targeting new players and raping them of their poker bankrolls before they gained any experience that they were in fact ‘very valuable’ to the poker community… they organized 2 strikes!

They really showed PokerStars what they are made of!

The coughing and staring at shoes when Stars announced that they were pleased with the result of the strike since the recreational players (who actually deposit money) lasted longer and had a more enjoyable time is not the point – the point is that… the main factors are… erm, the most vital lesson is that… hmmmm…

Undeterred the grinders, who claim the right to be fed new fish forever under the UN Human Rights Act, staged a second strike.

Oh yeah, they fired another fucking barrel!

This also proved that the poker ecosystem is a lot better off without them. I mean statistically and mathematically proved, not just proved as in someones opinion.

Poker sites like the iPoker Network are stroking their chins and taking note… maybe those grinders who are so very proud of making up the volume while they bust newcomers are a liability rather than an asset after all.

Scargil to the Rescue

With opinion and time running out the grinders have pulled out the proverbial pot sized bet on the river and got someone who has some experience to manage their team.

Arthur Scargil famously fought Margret Thatcher in the 1980s as head of the National Union of Mineworkers. Seeing picket lines, a 3 day working week and, erm, marches though streets.
The rumor is that he will create a manifesto for the grinders. This will then be debated by sub-committees, before going to a main committee of representatives for a final ballot. If the motion passes then the big strike will begin.

Anyone then found playing will be labelled as a scab, may be spat at and will no longer be welcome at the working man’s club in the village.

Scargil has some caliber. If this strike is as effective as the minors strike, we could see this action going on for a year or more. It is thought that food parcels will not be needed, as most of the grinders have their mum put dinner on the table at 5:30 anyway… which is a big help.

Of course, the British mining industry has been pretty much fucked since the strike allowed cheaper countries to open up their own mines and undercut the Brits.

Best not tell the grinders just yet, eh?

Alternative Employment?

PokerStars have generously offered to enroll their grinders into a socialization program, designed to give them the skills needed to become productive members of society again. While several years in a darkened room clicking a mouse and berating fish in the chat can make it difficult to adjust to interacting with real people again, there is still hope for many.

As the VIP rewards go down, and the poker tools get further restricted… I look forward to being served my morning latte by ex-grinders, blinking in the cold light of day, very soon.


Sunday, 10 January 2016

Online Poker Predictions for 2015 (updated January 2016)

Time for an update... was I right? was I wrong as usual?? Does the universe care?

Turned out I was fvcking right!!

6 out of 6 predictions nailed.

Think you could beat me in 2016? Great, just keep it to yourself, its not as if I actually give a sh1t what you think now, is it?

Here we are 

Well, I managed to do it before the end of January, so that counts, right?

You can check back at the end of the year and see how fucking right I was, dear Melted Felt readers. I’m making some bold predictions. Putting my reputation, the reputation of this blog, the reputation of my family, my friends and even my dog on the line here…

What is more, I’m doing it all for you (no, not the general ‘you’… I mean you specifically, yeah, you – the person reading this right now).

Anyway, enough intro, lets delve right in:

Melted Felt Online Poker Predictions for 2015

#1 – 26,703 new players will upload the ‘Joker’ from Batman as their player pic / avatar. They will consider themselves super-smart and super-tricky. They will suck air through their teeth about what a cool idea it was, oblivious to the quarter-million others who have already done this over the years. They will check with strong hands and bet with weak ones, tricking a couple of drunk opponents, while gifting stacks to just about anyone who knows what a stupidly predictable strategy these joker retards use.

Yep, turned out to be an underestimate... and every f uck ing last one of them thought they were being both 'cool' and original, monkeys!

#2 – The Fastest Poker Ever: The ultimate fast game will be invented. It will use your history of play from your last 100 sessions, combine this with random cards (and those of your opponents) and simply give you the result 3 seconds after the game starts. You’ll be able to play up to 100 games at once. I’m copyrighting this concept right now under the name of Wump Poker. That’s the sound a human body makes hitting the sidewalk after jumping from the 20th floor.

Wump or no wump, all-in every hand tournaments are now a thing, usually as promos for fish. I'm counting this as another correct prediction. 

#3 – US Poker: False hope will spread among the US poker playing community at least 6 times. PokerStars in New Jersey will create headlines like ‘300% increase’ (from the pitiful few to a temporary small crowd) and bills will be submitted in States which most people would need a map to locate. A federal ban will be dodged too. We will end 2015 the exact same as 2014, though the PPA will claim victory (again).

Hmmm, PokerStars is still to come, though there has been some false hope in Pennsylvania and CA too... well done PPA, really earned your golfing breaks yet again last year.

#4 – High Stakes Pros will swap bankrolls. That’s all. Some will win, others will lose, we will be impressed, and forget about it all within 2 days. Until the next report.

They only went and did it, up, down and up and down again - correct!

#5 – The WSOP Main Event: This will be won by a white male in his 20’s or 30’s. I know, I know, out there with this one.

Wow, how the fuc k did I manage to nail this? Joe McKeehen took it down! Might well double-down on this one for 2016!

#6 – Casino Snobbery: More poker pros will leave PokerStars in the wake of casino games being introduced. They will be applauded by the poker community, though the pros will be quietly laughing that 90% of the ‘casino games snobs’ would actually lose a lot less money playing games with a house edge than their usual poker games.

Pretty sure that the 'grinders strike' is plenty enough evidence that the small stakes pros are still completely detached from reality... I'm off to play some slots!

Feel free to add some of your own predictions (with your inside voice please, I mean, its not as if anyone really gives a shit).


PS, check out my new website, its really good (honest), all about gambling - 

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