Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Striking PokerStars Grinders to Bring in Arthur Scargil

PokerStars Grinders StikeYou may, dear Melted Felt readers, assume that multi-tabling grinders are the kind of players responsible for suffocating the beautiful game of poker. Well the word on the street is that grinders have rights too, and that if these rights are not respected then there will be trouble*

*well, mostly bitching and passive-aggressive posturing, but whatever

With their VIP rewards curtailed without warning (unless you count the clear warning over a year ago), the grinders decided to take some drastic action.

To prove that instead of slowly killing the games by targeting new players and raping them of their poker bankrolls before they gained any experience that they were in fact ‘very valuable’ to the poker community… they organized 2 strikes!

They really showed PokerStars what they are made of!

The coughing and staring at shoes when Stars announced that they were pleased with the result of the strike since the recreational players (who actually deposit money) lasted longer and had a more enjoyable time is not the point – the point is that… the main factors are… erm, the most vital lesson is that… hmmmm…

Undeterred the grinders, who claim the right to be fed new fish forever under the UN Human Rights Act, staged a second strike.

Oh yeah, they fired another fucking barrel!

This also proved that the poker ecosystem is a lot better off without them. I mean statistically and mathematically proved, not just proved as in someones opinion.

Poker sites like the iPoker Network are stroking their chins and taking note… maybe those grinders who are so very proud of making up the volume while they bust newcomers are a liability rather than an asset after all.

Scargil to the Rescue

With opinion and time running out the grinders have pulled out the proverbial pot sized bet on the river and got someone who has some experience to manage their team.

Arthur Scargil famously fought Margret Thatcher in the 1980s as head of the National Union of Mineworkers. Seeing picket lines, a 3 day working week and, erm, marches though streets.
The rumor is that he will create a manifesto for the grinders. This will then be debated by sub-committees, before going to a main committee of representatives for a final ballot. If the motion passes then the big strike will begin.

Anyone then found playing will be labelled as a scab, may be spat at and will no longer be welcome at the working man’s club in the village.

Scargil has some caliber. If this strike is as effective as the minors strike, we could see this action going on for a year or more. It is thought that food parcels will not be needed, as most of the grinders have their mum put dinner on the table at 5:30 anyway… which is a big help.

Of course, the British mining industry has been pretty much fucked since the strike allowed cheaper countries to open up their own mines and undercut the Brits.

Best not tell the grinders just yet, eh?

Alternative Employment?

PokerStars have generously offered to enroll their grinders into a socialization program, designed to give them the skills needed to become productive members of society again. While several years in a darkened room clicking a mouse and berating fish in the chat can make it difficult to adjust to interacting with real people again, there is still hope for many.

As the VIP rewards go down, and the poker tools get further restricted… I look forward to being served my morning latte by ex-grinders, blinking in the cold light of day, very soon.


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