Saturday, 4 June 2016

WSOP 2016 Final Table Social Guides Leaked

The World Series of Poker 2016 is underway, dear Melted Felt readers. This is the time of year when poker players ‘take over’ Las Vegas by holding poker tournaments which have daily fields smaller than the capacity of an average Vegas nightclub and an *astonishing* 10% or so of the average conference…

A lot of lucky players are going to break through this year.

They’ll win a lot of money, enough to change their lives in some cases.

Since this often leads to what you might call ‘adjustment problems’ it seems that a proactive approach was needed by the tournament organizers. Yes, this year every WSOP final table player will be issued with a guide. The title ‘Beyond Mom’s Basement’ will show that this covers a lot of life-skills and areas which most poker players will not be familiar with at all.

These include:

#1 Girlfriends: All that money is sure to attract a nice girl, even for the saddest ‘poker pro’. Since the vast majority of players only have experience of the ladies via a combination of pornhub and their chip-shuffling right hands – there is a definite requirement for some tips. The guide will include sections on how to treat your lady, remembering birthdays and anniversaries and the startling news that following what you see on pornhub might not be quite what the lady was after in bed.

#2 Personal Hygiene: That extra money means the potential for fancy restaurants rather than noodles and pizza. This new found ability to be seen in the world of ‘normal people’ will necessitate some grooming. Showering now needs to be daily, shirts ironed and cologne worn. It is going to be a shock to many poker fans that out there in the world, people change their underwear every day.

#3 Communication Skills: This area of training is perhaps the toughest to get through. Many poker players have no idea that out there in the real world, the *ahem* challenging communication norms at 2+2 are not in use. In fact, people are generally polite, friendly and helpful. The WSOP organizers realize that bridging this gap all at once is too much to ask, and have instead opted for a stage by stage approach. First the message that calling most people you meet a ‘retard’ will not get you far in the real world is repeated often enough to sink in. After that some basic social skills can be taught. It is not expected that poker grinders will ever make it to the normal level of sociability.

With so many events this year and so much prestige and fame associated with winning one of the coveted bracelets. Melted Felt would like to take this moment to congratulate all the winners from last year… because just like you, I can remember every last one of them….

Or maybe not.


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