Tuesday, 29 March 2016
Wednesday, 13 January 2016
Scargil to the Rescue
Sunday, 10 January 2016
Turned out I was fvcking right!!
6 out of 6 predictions nailed.
Think you could beat me in 2016? Great, just keep it to yourself, its not as if I actually give a sh1t what you think now, is it?
Here we are
Well, I managed to do it before the end of January, so that counts, right?
Melted Felt Online Poker Predictions for 2015
Yep, turned out to be an underestimate... and every f uck ing last one of them thought they were being both 'cool' and original, monkeys!
Wump or no wump, all-in every hand tournaments are now a thing, usually as promos for fish. I'm counting this as another correct prediction.
Hmmm, PokerStars is still to come, though there has been some false hope in Pennsylvania and CA too... well done PPA, really earned your golfing breaks yet again last year.
They only went and did it, up, down and up and down again - correct!
Wow, how the fuc k did I manage to nail this? Joe McKeehen took it down! Might well double-down on this one for 2016!
Pretty sure that the 'grinders strike' is plenty enough evidence that the small stakes pros are still completely detached from reality... I'm off to play some slots!
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
Today, dear Melted Felt readers, I am going to delve deep into the world of that strange (and frankly pointless) phenomenon known as... other pastimes.
As strange as it may sound - for years now human beings have been doing things with their time other than playing poker. You know, getting out and about, meeting people... developing as human beings rather than multi-tabling robots... Here I look into these odd wastes of time called 'hobbies'... and see what they would look like if poker players were the main participants.
We start with a good walk spoiled in the form of Golf, where our online poker player goes into the final hole leading by 2 strokes. His sole opponent gets a lucky deflection off of a small rock, and *ping* lands within a foot of the pin - sinking his putt to snatch the match at the last moment. Of course, our poker player follows him around for the next 30 minutes hurling insults him, quoting his previous scores and reminding him that he will be a loser over the long run...
Our second online poker player takes up Sport Fishing, consistently coming in 4th to 6th in terms of number and weight of fishes caught. But do you know what? If he just had an average number of bites he could probably become a pro...
If Poker Players Collected Stamps?Next to the high-adrenaline world of stamp collecting. Where our online poker player has just lost out in dollar terms after a couple of small trades. No problem of course - it is just time to move wayyy up in value to where fellow collectors respect his trading.
Chess has always been considered the ultimate mental test with levels of thinking running into unimaginable heights. Our poker player posted a position on a popular forum after moving his Queens Bishop to G6, only to see his opponent spring a well constructed trap and force mate in 4 moves... of course our poker player utterly rejected advice that he should have moved his Rook instead, after all he was very comfortable playing a bishop post-flop at this level, in fact he went on to insult the records of everyone who tried to help him and explain why his was the superior play - just for good measure, you fucking retards.
Finally we pop in to the retro-gamers club of New York State University, where an online poker player decided to enter the yearly Doom tournament... he lost of course, after all he was, erm, we really need to say it? you sure? ok then, Doomswitched (sigh).
Bringing this post back has just reminded me of an important message for the 90% of poker players who lose (thats ok, I know it is you, I won't tell anyone, you can continue to pretend to be a shark on 2+2)... anyway, my advice is this, play casino games, you'll lose slower and have the chance of a big windfall. Find out more at www.sitandgoplanet.com/casino/casino.html
Friday, 10 July 2015
Sunday, 22 February 2015
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
readers, but things are finally looking up again.
What with all the banking restrictions in place in the US at the moment, Lock have been forced to find some alternative means of getting the cash returned.
Heading over to Europe with some wads of cash was considered, but ruled out once they realized that ex poker pro Annette Obrestad could potentially unleash
hordes of angry Norwegians armed with medium-sized herrings.
Instead there will be a poker tournament event to celebrate the return of everyone’s money, and closing the biggest single poker scam of the last few years once and for all.
Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, you are invited to come and play in the Lock Poker Liberia Poker Open.
This prestigious no-limit Holdem tournament is open to all Lock Poker players who are owed money completely free of charge, and will feature a $1,000,000 prize pool to compensate for the delays.
The date for your diaries is the 27th of November, and the venue is the incredibly sterile surroundings of the Medicines Sans Frontiers tent (that’s the 3rd marquee on the right), in the Ebola treatment center. Refreshments will be provided, though it is advised to bring some Imodium,
as there have been cholera outbreaks in the area recently. If you do happen to have a bio-suit, that’s all the better, though you’ll need to take off the mask when announcing all-ins as stipulated in part 7, section D of the tournament rules.
After the tournament is completed, a big press conference will be held, the winner of awarded a trophy and directions will be given for the return of the money owed to all players who turn up.
Melted Felt was lucky enough to get directions to the stall for the handouts, which is just behind the bathroom linked to the isolation ward, between the morgue and the place where they incinerate the bodies.
After this is completed, I hope we will not here anymore ‘whinging’ about Lock non-payments ever again, you fucking fish.
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
Yes, the company who used to be good at customer service before they owned online poker has been having some trouble with their surveys… and is determined to get to the bottom of it.
After sending out nearly 700 surveys per player over the last few years, they were suffering from a shocking lack of engagement in the people responding to them. I mean, did these players not realize just how fucking important PokerStars were or something?
The answer came from the genius minds of the marketing department, you know, the same ones who still think that attracting eastern euros to grind the 1c / 2c games for a living makes for a really great poker economy…
It was to send out a survey.
Unfortunately, the idea fell flat.
It seemed at players just did not want to reply to a survey requesting feedback on how they felt about all those surveys. Even the promise of entry into a $2 all-in each hand tournament could not persuade people to give a flying one.
It went to management.
Now, even though the upper tiers are still prone to spontaneous fits of giggles when they remember buying Full Tilt, decisions do get made in the upper tiers.
It took time, though they got there in the end.
The only answer was to do a survey. You’ll be getting it any day now.
A new PokerStars survey, aimed at really getting to grips with the deep psychological reasons why the PokerStars survey about the effectiveness of PokerStars Surveys was a flop.
Knowing what a tight ship they run, I’m sure there is a survey in plan to find out all about the quality of this latest mailing.
Coming soon at Melted Felt:
- An interview with several pundits who were singing from the rooftops about how US poker was ‘Back in the Game!!!’ only 6- months ago about puppy dogs,
football and just about any subject other than poker (which is rigged anyway, right? RIGHT?)
- A really long gap, followed by a post harking back to bygone days when Melted Felt had readers.
- A ‘where are they now?’ feature which looks at all the ‘kids’ who dropped out of college to go ‘pro’ in 2009, finding them in trailer parks, flipping burgers and STILL believing that they were good, just unlucky.
- A link to High Tech Gambling (oops, that's already here)
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Yes, Dear Melted Felt readers, New Jersey saw as 34.6% rise in their online poker revenue during July. This prompted many US poker writes to jump onto their laptop to write another thinly veiled attempted to convince us that that metaphorical Norwegian Blue is, in fact, alive and kicking.
Only the euphoria was short lived.
Yes, it turned out to be a misclick.
You see, Dave Morrison, 28, from Millville, NJ was enjoying a game of online poker the other night, safe in the knowledge that this was regulated and taxed, that the IRS would have full access to his win / loss record and the NSA to his check-raise percentage… when an accident occurred.
He had called a bet in the big blind with some suited cards, hoping to slow play a flush on a paired board. All was going great in the hand, with only two more diamonds sure to give him the pot against an opponent who was bound to be bluffing. He just clicked over to his browser for a second, to check on some *ahem* educational videos and *boom* the poker table appeared on top again. Just at that second his mouse was over the ‘call’ button and he found himself all-in.
Unfortunately Dave did not get his diamonds, and the pot went to his opponent, who had a gutshot straight draw and paired his six on the river.
By pushing the rake for that pot up to $2.25c, all hell broke loose among hordes of out of work US poker journalists.
This was it!
The turning point was here!
The full glory of US online poker was about to return!
Revenues had increased, month-on-effing-month!
Until Dave owned up to his error.
Now it is back to the same old blame game mixed with hopeless optimism. Just to sell a crummy article to a website nowadays takes some extreme new scapegoat… I can see the headlines for the Fall already.
“Slow take-up of US Online Poker Blamed on Gay Marriage”
“Proof: Climate Change Responsible for Delaware Card Room Declines”
“Sheldon Ashton Laughs So Hard His Colostomy Bag Bursts”
Oh well, at least we have the same old white males in their 20s and 30s making up the November 9 to give us something to talk about… no… wait.
Never mind, back to breaking even in sit n goes but for the rakeback.