Is Poker Forum Posting Becoming Harder?

In an exclusive that wishes you would respect its raises, Melted Felt readers will today be treated to some sensational news - that posting hand histories on poker forums is becoming harder.

A few years ago, pre 2006, when everyone could post Party Hand histories, poker forum life was easy - you just put $50 into your account and were sent a money printing licence in return. Any tricky hands or situations could be posted on a number of friendly and congenial poker forums, where well meaning but non-thinking sheep would be happy to tell you what was 'standard' for your particular community.

That was then, what about 2009 - is poker forum posting becoming harder?

Well dear Melted Felt readers, danger now lurks behind every cry for assistance, strategy insight and seemingly innocent 'line check please' request... here is what would-be poker forum players have to watch out for.

The Strategy "Check", with Sharkscope "Reraise": Here a request for advice is posted, and advice is willingly offered, the original poster then queries not only the advice, but the credentials of the person offering it - often with accompanying sharkscope graph. The 'Please help' --> "How the fuck dare you offer someone as great as me advice you retarded moron' line has reared its head again.... The best strategy here is to immediately fold your posting hand, however mathematically cast-iron your insights into the hand the original poster will not listen.

The Badbeat Story in Sheeps Clothing: Looks like a strategy post, until you realize that it is just a sad and sorry example of someone getting their money in good and losing the hand, again. Well meaning players of the forum poker game will vainly attempt to explain to the poster that the whole idea of poker is to get your money in good... and that results are just the short-term noise. Don't waste your time here, these posters are not only convinved that they would be rich as fuck if only their luck was 'average', they probably believe in rigged RNGs, the cash out curse and the ability to 'soul read' while multitabling online PLO8 too.

The String-o-Donks: This is a particularly tricky online forum play in which posters will give a small number of hand histories which demonstrate that their opponents are making terrible mistakes and then getting lucky. They will use this to demonstrate that it is impossible to play 'well' against said donks and (they believe) subtly seek that the particular forum community agree that they should move up levels where their clearly superior hand reading, bet sizing and, erm, slowplaying skills could earn them a fortune. Don't try arguing that you need to be able to beat the bad players first, don't argue that the bad guys will bring you more profit if you adjust well... just don't argue at all - let the string-o-donks poster move on up and play against better players (they'll be back with a badbeat in sheeps clothing next week and busto the week after!).

The Normalness Of My Downswing: How god-damn normal is this I ask you?? 20 buy-ins, 10 buy-ins, 50 big bets - whatever... these posters are certainly confused about the nature of variance in the beautiful game - and are looking for a little comfort, a virtual cuddle, in the form of 'you are great, just those donks again'. What confuses us is why all the losing players never ask about the normalness of their good runs? Now, they are not assuming that 50% ROI in SNGs or 25 PTBB/100 is 'normal' in the first place right.....right??

Our conclusion - forum poker is indeed becoming harder, and we blame those nasty evil losing recreational players who actually keep the online poker economy alive... rather than the losing 'great players' who have no idea how fucking stupid they look when they berate these very cash-cows in the online poker chat boxes...

MF

Russia Closes Casinos - Threatens West with Short-Stackers Pipeline

In an item so shocking that only one small child survived reading it, we bring you news that the Russians have closed down every casino in every city... and may now have their sites set on online gaming to. We immediately dispatched the Melted Felt Mole in the very heart of the KGB to bring you this sensational scoop.

Yes, dear Melted Felt reader - things in the land of the Bear are not quite as they seem. With millions enjoying a gamble on the routlette wheel, the blackjack table and the international gas futures markets every week it would be harsh to close down all the casinos at once, and may even be counter-productive as these games move 'underground' away from the government-lead organized crime and into the realm of the (very slightly worse) non-government organized crime.

What the World's press have missed is that the Ruskie government have formed 'DONKPROM' a special company that will nationalise all gambling ventures under one completely and utterly corrupt organizaion - and then deny it. The idea being that by closing down the casinos and issuing gambling licences only for the furthest reaches of Siberia - these businesses could be brought for a knock down price and then the legislation coincidentally altered back to allow gambling once again.

But, as they say in sales, that is not all!

We understand that the big cheekboned vodka drinkers are also planning to nationalize their online poker playing abilities. Currently 1000's of Russian small-stakes short-stackers travel to European sites such as Party and Titan via a pipeline through the Ukraine. With international relations tense, the Russian government are threatening to switch of this lucrative supply off table-number-increasing nits unless rakeback is made available immediately, and directly to the representatives of DONKPROM rather than to the players themselves.

For those poker sites not able to electronically transfer to the former Soviets, cash payments in plain brown envelopes are being accepted at a number of well known football clubs throughout Europe.

MF

Shock As Hellmuth Wins 09 Main Event

In an update so shocking you'll go out and buy all 6 main albums, we today bring you news that Phil Hellmuth Jr has won the 2009 World Series of
Poker main event - beating his own record to hit 12 of the coveted WSOP bracelets in the meantime, the penguins were cheering silenty, the walls
extra bright... and every time someone moves a poker chip the clack-clack echoes all around the beach.

Standing in a life sized mockup of the ultimate bet beach-scene table, Phil needed to push away microphones and cameras and more microphones a sea of grey furry microphones, mouths asking 'how does it feel', 'history' and 'The greatest'. Golden glow of success with hardly enough time to acknowledge the accoldades the obscuring fuzz of grey microphones fluidly dodging the questions, soaking up the thankyou's, firing the ever growing number of simple questions into the walls of the newly formed Rio.

Everyone gone, silence and just the chips, the clack-clack across the room reveals one more player - forgotten - an internet kid, hoody, iPod and cheap glasses just a small pile of chips and he doubles, he doubles again, unexploitable shoves and small pots chipping away, the crowd returning - penguins hiding - now the kid takes a chip lead...but it was already over... something is not right, it was already won. The microphones and cameras now pointing at the kid the accolades and wonder, the golden glow and the bracelet slipping away... no way to be understood, resentful looks from the press, "hellmuth blows it', 'Hellmuth crumbles', "Hellmuth looses his nerve' all flashing in front of his eyes.

"ALL IN!!" Phil shouts and the room slowly turns to stare, slience sweeps from the centre out, only clack-clack of the internet kids chips as he sliently mouths in slow motion "Y---0-----U W-----I-----N". Cheers, shouts, respect, love, money and a world record 12th bracelet... the President walking in, penuins lined up like a guard of honor... but the bracelet won't fit, like the infamous bloodied glove it sits on the fingertips, a nagging beep-beep, the president is ushered away, people milling around, confusion, 'how can it be yours if it does not fit' asks a mouth from a furry grey microphone... beep-beep-beep "how can it be yours" beep "How, tell us how Phil" Beep-Beep "It will fit the Internet Kid for sure" BEEP-BEEP "Let him tryyyy, let him tryyyy" BEEP.

Phil bellows with all his breath "It's Mine, MINE!!!" (BEEP) Yelling "I BEAT the internet kid!!"

At this point his long-suffering wife says, "Of course you did dear, now - will you please turn off that alarm clock..."

MF

Poker Site Tributes Flood In As Michael Jackson Dies

A sad day in poker history today, dear readers, as the untimely death of the King Of Pop shocks the world momentarily, causes everyone to look up the news on the internet, say 'ohhh, what about Jackson then' to colleages when arriving at work - before finally getting on with whatever they were doing and forgetting all about it.

As fans, friends and family weep we have exclusively collected together the imaginary tributes not sent by some of the biggest online poker sites to the Jackson estate:

Pokerstars: One Vikram Patesh, head of quality control for the cookie baskets available via the FPP store, sent Stars' condolences... "We would like to offer our thoughts and prayers on behalf of the entire online poker community, and let you know that we will be introducing a full range of satellite qualifiers to the funeral shortly - we expect 'Jackson Funeral Steps' to be especially popular"

Party Poker: An anonymous spokesperson "A great loss to the world of entertainment - unfortunately this death has resulted in no account activity for several days, so according to our Ts and Cs we have removed the $2.16c remaining balance on MJs account"

Full Tilt: "We would like to distance ourselves from the unfortunate early demise of Jacko, and take the opportunity to clearly state that his death was in no way linked to our persistant refusal to switch him to over to rakeback"

Ultimate Bet: "Our thoughts are with the millions of fans worldwide who must be feeling a genuine sense of distress on this sad day, but enough about Phil Hellmuths lack of WSOP results...oh yeah, we are also sorry to hear that Wacko-Jacko has snuffed it too"

And the MF tribute... of course we would like to compliment Jacko on more than his status as the greatest entertainer the world ever knew, to us his ultimate achievement was to sell out 50 stadium sized concerts to the Brits shortly before his death, even though he was in terrible heath and had not even performed for 12 years - top stuff M-J, who ever said you can not fool all of the people all of the time!

RIP.

MF

National Poker Week 19th to 25th July - PPA Launches 3 New Websites

In a shocking exclusive that has almost certainly never hit Rihanna we bring you news that the completely ineffective, but exceptionally well funded Poker Players Aliance will be sipping bottles of Cristal at your expense on tropical islands of... no, erm, sorry.... ahem... Will be launching 3 new websites ahead of National Poker Week - the event in which everyone who knows about poker will tell each other how important the game is, and everyone else in the world will continue to not give a fuck.


None other than the Melted Felt mole has been busy, not only getting a sneek preview of the content of the 3 new websites - but bringing you the URLs too... remember where you heard the news first!

Website #1 - www.MyWhiningBadBeatPokerStory.com

This site will host videos of everyday poker players explaining how they are exceptionally talented, just a little unlucky. The hope is to demonstrate to the voting public that these kind of people are better off grinding in darkened rooms where they are significantly less likely to reproduce - would you want them wandering the streets at night? No? Then legalize poker now!

Website #2 - www.HolyMoleySkillGameException.god

Aimed at winning over the conservative bible-bashing crowd - this site contains proof from preists, vicars, rabbis, immams and even the odd Bishop or two that poker is a skill game - and thus endorsed by God himself - and not gambling, which would be the work of someone elses completely wrong religion. The big holy skill game exception is backed up by a close up of the Turin Shroud which clearly shows the image of a poker table with ancient scripts explaining that you should not turn your jacks into 2-7 off by re-opening the betting when a re-raise will make you throw-up.

Website #3 - www.utterlypointlesspetitions.com

Finally a chance for you to vote for online poker and feel like you have actually done something when really you just clicked your mouse you lazy piece of whining shit. The great thing about this site is that Ben Yates from MN has already voted 17,652,821 times using a special designed akh script - thanks very much Ben!

Remember, dear Melted Felt readers, to make sure you tell someone who does not give a fuck that the 19th to 25th July is National Poker Week.

MF


PS: Yeah yeah, they are an easy target... but the PPA are actually a good bunch - you can (and should) support them if you care about the legality of the beautiful game in the USA, individual freedom of choice in general or the latest fashion in thorned crowns - Here is a link to their real website: http://theppa.org/

Tom McEvoy Threat Boosts Poker Hall Of Fame Prospects

In an exclusive so shocking that it also does not believe that Schumacher was really The Stig, we can bring you an exclusive from the poker corridoors of slightly yellowed black and white photos today - as we examine a last minute revalation which may just tip the balance with the nomination to Poker's exclusive hall of fame for one Tom McEvoy.

No, dear readers, it is not the fact that online poker giant Pokerstars have thrown their weight behind the 4-times WSOP bracelet winner's bid to have a life-like wax dummy - complete with genuine grey Mink fur beard - enshrined in poker history. Nor is it the fact that McEvoy not only beat all 3 other entrants to win the 1983 main event title, but then sucked out on every winner since in the 'tournament of champions'.

Dear readers we urge you to grab a nomination form immediately, and 'Vote Tom' for this years entry... you will not only be participating in poker history as it actually unfolds, you will be helping the next generation of poker players to avoid suffering which many of us have (sadly), already endured.Yes dear readers, McEvoy has virtually guaranteed his inaugauration this year by threatening to write another fucking poker book if he does not get in... the only small glimmer of hope in this doomsday poker-literature scenario is that TJ Cloutier is probably far too busy blowing his money at the craps tables to co-author with him this time...

Come on folks - vote Tom today and save us all!

SENSATIONAL BREAKING NEWS ADDITION: The Melted Felt Mole has just wispered into our shell-like ear-holes that rumors are circulating Party Poker may also be on the nomination trail, with none other than legend Mike Sexton due to be nominated for his organizational and TV commentary services - on the strict understanding that he would then shut the fuck up...

MF

Relief As Iran's Ayatolla Declares Stars 'Not Rigged'

In an exclusive so sensational it thinks Salman Rushdie's books are exceptional literature - yet just a little bit too wordy for an enjoyably light read - we bring you news from the very top of the oil-rich nuclear nutcases of Iran. The completely unelected 'big boss' there has tried to put an end to several days of protests against Stars RNG rigging by declaring online poker to be the real-deal.

While the dead from seveal days of protesting were buried, the Iranian population were repeatedly assured that, although it felt like an ace always flopped when you held kings and the fucking retard who called a raise with ace-four off from early position hit and took your entire stack - that the Stars RNG was not only completely fair, but believing it was not was a viscious rumor being funded by Americans in an effort to personally insult the Mothers of every man, woman and child in the nation.

The unelected Ayatolla then went on to say how important elections were, assuring people that they should go back to their homes and not worry about the false and destabilising propaganda from the evil godless British who were secretly funding dissident groups who believe that people who cash-out are punished with a terrible run of cards.

With more anti RNG rigging protests planned in the days to come the future is far from certain. Groups campaigning for several Sunday Majors to be re-run are gaining momentum using Twitter, uTube and petrol bombs, while the all-powerful police and totally hard secret services are joining forces to shoot people who berate fish in the chatbox...

MF


(*Melted Fatwah?)

Phil Hellmuth in 'At WSOP' Shocker

In a sensational so exclusive we completely refused to 'run it twice' we bring you the news that not only is Phil Hellmuth at this years World Series of Poker - but (according to his press department) he is very important indeed.

Just in case we the poker-loving public had forgotten just how very important Phil is, a media blitz is planned over the next few days which will reportedly include:

- Announcements over the ROI loudspeaker system every 15 minutes reminding everyone that Phil is the world record bracelet holder - and thus rather important - in 19 different languages (work is currently in operation to cut down the time for this to less than 17 minutes).

- Specially designed robots which will rove the downtown Las Vegas area programmed to replay hands in which Phil was 'bad beat' from the preliminary events for all who will listen, spreading proof that if luck were not involved then Phil would be even more important than he undoubtedly already is.

- Drug Addicted models fueled with Diazepam, coke and dressed provocatively are to be released on the Rio, these ladies will be paid on a 'mention' basis, collecting dollars every time that Phil's name is spoken.

- The TV camera setup is to be adjusted to show Phil's ' best side', the above and slightly to the right view has been scientifically tested to show the smallest amount of flappy neck possible.

- A group of heavies who will randomly stop people and intimidate, no, erm, we mean gently persuade, people to sign the 2009 'My Gosh, Phil Hellmuth Is Very Important Indeed' pledge. Those who sign will then get a cloth patch which can be sewn stylishly onto their faded denim jackets...

In fact, we are off to sign-up right now...

MF

De Wolfe Celebrates Canine Triple Crown

In an exclusive so riveting that you'll miss the bus to your 'Magic, The Gathering' game while reading it, we bring you the sensational news that Roland De Wolfe the British ex-hack, has made history by winning the first poker-canine triple crown after winning dog shows on two continents before taking down the 'big one' by winning a coveted Cruftsop bracelet.

It all started at the British annual military show, where De Wolfe won the obstacle-course event, by daringly jumping over walls and see-saws, slaleming poles just 1 meter apart and fearlessly dashing through a plastic tube. Next over to the US, where straight white teeth in your doggy
mouth are more important than the bark that comes out of it... where a victory in the East Coast's annual woofers event involved discreetly eating several rivals from the expensive handbags they lived in.

Wolfe himself admitted to some nervousness as the final table of the big-one, The Crusftsop came around. His nose dried out, his tail went straight between his legs and hairs were spread all over the Rio's carpet as Roland successfully sucked out, dodged bullets and bluffed his way to
the heads up section. A final nervous moment came when the judge cupped his balls, checked his ears for mites and patted him on the head one more time... before the Wolfe was finally awarded the rosette, erm, no, bracelet - and the prestigeous triple crooowwwwwwwwwn.

MF