Saturday, 4 June 2016

WSOP 2016 Final Table Social Guides Leaked

The World Series of Poker 2016 is underway, dear Melted Felt readers. This is the time of year when poker players ‘take over’ Las Vegas by holding poker tournaments which have daily fields smaller than the capacity of an average Vegas nightclub and an *astonishing* 10% or so of the average conference…

A lot of lucky players are going to break through this year.

They’ll win a lot of money, enough to change their lives in some cases.

Since this often leads to what you might call ‘adjustment problems’ it seems that a proactive approach was needed by the tournament organizers. Yes, this year every WSOP final table player will be issued with a guide. The title ‘Beyond Mom’s Basement’ will show that this covers a lot of life-skills and areas which most poker players will not be familiar with at all.

These include:

#1 Girlfriends: All that money is sure to attract a nice girl, even for the saddest ‘poker pro’. Since the vast majority of players only have experience of the ladies via a combination of pornhub and their chip-shuffling right hands – there is a definite requirement for some tips. The guide will include sections on how to treat your lady, remembering birthdays and anniversaries and the startling news that following what you see on pornhub might not be quite what the lady was after in bed.

#2 Personal Hygiene: That extra money means the potential for fancy restaurants rather than noodles and pizza. This new found ability to be seen in the world of ‘normal people’ will necessitate some grooming. Showering now needs to be daily, shirts ironed and cologne worn. It is going to be a shock to many poker fans that out there in the world, people change their underwear every day.

#3 Communication Skills: This area of training is perhaps the toughest to get through. Many poker players have no idea that out there in the real world, the *ahem* challenging communication norms at 2+2 are not in use. In fact, people are generally polite, friendly and helpful. The WSOP organizers realize that bridging this gap all at once is too much to ask, and have instead opted for a stage by stage approach. First the message that calling most people you meet a ‘retard’ will not get you far in the real world is repeated often enough to sink in. After that some basic social skills can be taught. It is not expected that poker grinders will ever make it to the normal level of sociability.

With so many events this year and so much prestige and fame associated with winning one of the coveted bracelets. Melted Felt would like to take this moment to congratulate all the winners from last year… because just like you, I can remember every last one of them….

Or maybe not.


PS; Check out damn it!

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

PokerStars NJ Breaks Record with 3 FULL Tables

It was the moment that US online poker has been waiting for – the return of reg-infested PokerStars to the US of A. I am pleased, dear Melted Felt readers, to report that things have gone swimmingly well as far as the launch is concerned.

Things went so well that New Jersey online poker broke a new record, as a 3rd cash game table was completely full (with 1 person waiting) on Easter Sunday at around 5pm. Sure, all of the tables featured 8 regs all multi-tabling and 1 clueless fish wondering why his limps were always getting reraised… but let’s not nit-pick, we are celebrating here! Celebrating the fact that a poker site that is only really good because they have the massive volume of players that allows more games and bigger promos returning to the US – without their biggest benefit. Of course, once the fish lost a couple of buy-ins he went back to the casino games and the regs swapped bankrolls for the next 3 hours while Stars took the rake…

Wonder-f-ing-full news.

Now, here at Melted Felt gratitude is the name of the game [are you sure about that, I thought it was poker? Ed]. I for one am very grateful to all the poker players who continue to play at Amaya properties despite the investigation of their CEO into insider trading deals. 

Players have obviously taken a look at the history of online poker, rationally assessed the risk to their bankrolls should the owners be found to be corrupt and decided that the rewards of playing against hordes of multi-tabling regs outweighs any risk. Or maybe they just assume that ‘it’s different this time’.

After all… what could possibly go wrong when the person in charge of the site which is your livelihood gets indicted?

Rake Increases

I’ll finish this post by adding my comment on the recent rake increases. No, not to congratulate a certain Mr Negreanu for being man enough to state that these were put in place to increase revenue for the owners… that’s all well and good.

I wanted to applaud the regs for their indigent ‘told you so’ posts over at 2+2 after DN came out with his comments.

You were probably able to work this out for yourselves if you had really really put your mind to it guys.

Then again, we are talking about a group of people who think that they are doing some kind of favor to a fish by sitting in a table with their HUDs and experience and raping new players of their bankroll within minutes… this kind of ‘service’ is known as ‘providing volume of games’, right?

I’ll look forward to bringing you more happy, sparking, wonderful news of US online poker soon!


Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Striking PokerStars Grinders to Bring in Arthur Scargil

PokerStars Grinders StikeYou may, dear Melted Felt readers, assume that multi-tabling grinders are the kind of players responsible for suffocating the beautiful game of poker. Well the word on the street is that grinders have rights too, and that if these rights are not respected then there will be trouble*

*well, mostly bitching and passive-aggressive posturing, but whatever

With their VIP rewards curtailed without warning (unless you count the clear warning over a year ago), the grinders decided to take some drastic action.

To prove that instead of slowly killing the games by targeting new players and raping them of their poker bankrolls before they gained any experience that they were in fact ‘very valuable’ to the poker community… they organized 2 strikes!

They really showed PokerStars what they are made of!

The coughing and staring at shoes when Stars announced that they were pleased with the result of the strike since the recreational players (who actually deposit money) lasted longer and had a more enjoyable time is not the point – the point is that… the main factors are… erm, the most vital lesson is that… hmmmm…

Undeterred the grinders, who claim the right to be fed new fish forever under the UN Human Rights Act, staged a second strike.

Oh yeah, they fired another fucking barrel!

This also proved that the poker ecosystem is a lot better off without them. I mean statistically and mathematically proved, not just proved as in someones opinion.

Poker sites like the iPoker Network are stroking their chins and taking note… maybe those grinders who are so very proud of making up the volume while they bust newcomers are a liability rather than an asset after all.

Scargil to the Rescue

With opinion and time running out the grinders have pulled out the proverbial pot sized bet on the river and got someone who has some experience to manage their team.

Arthur Scargil famously fought Margret Thatcher in the 1980s as head of the National Union of Mineworkers. Seeing picket lines, a 3 day working week and, erm, marches though streets.
The rumor is that he will create a manifesto for the grinders. This will then be debated by sub-committees, before going to a main committee of representatives for a final ballot. If the motion passes then the big strike will begin.

Anyone then found playing will be labelled as a scab, may be spat at and will no longer be welcome at the working man’s club in the village.

Scargil has some caliber. If this strike is as effective as the minors strike, we could see this action going on for a year or more. It is thought that food parcels will not be needed, as most of the grinders have their mum put dinner on the table at 5:30 anyway… which is a big help.

Of course, the British mining industry has been pretty much fucked since the strike allowed cheaper countries to open up their own mines and undercut the Brits.

Best not tell the grinders just yet, eh?

Alternative Employment?

PokerStars have generously offered to enroll their grinders into a socialization program, designed to give them the skills needed to become productive members of society again. While several years in a darkened room clicking a mouse and berating fish in the chat can make it difficult to adjust to interacting with real people again, there is still hope for many.

As the VIP rewards go down, and the poker tools get further restricted… I look forward to being served my morning latte by ex-grinders, blinking in the cold light of day, very soon.


Sunday, 10 January 2016

Online Poker Predictions for 2015 (updated January 2016)

Time for an update... was I right? was I wrong as usual?? Does the universe care?

Turned out I was fvcking right!!

6 out of 6 predictions nailed.

Think you could beat me in 2016? Great, just keep it to yourself, its not as if I actually give a sh1t what you think now, is it?

Here we are 

Well, I managed to do it before the end of January, so that counts, right?

You can check back at the end of the year and see how fucking right I was, dear Melted Felt readers. I’m making some bold predictions. Putting my reputation, the reputation of this blog, the reputation of my family, my friends and even my dog on the line here…

What is more, I’m doing it all for you (no, not the general ‘you’… I mean you specifically, yeah, you – the person reading this right now).

Anyway, enough intro, lets delve right in:

Melted Felt Online Poker Predictions for 2015

#1 – 26,703 new players will upload the ‘Joker’ from Batman as their player pic / avatar. They will consider themselves super-smart and super-tricky. They will suck air through their teeth about what a cool idea it was, oblivious to the quarter-million others who have already done this over the years. They will check with strong hands and bet with weak ones, tricking a couple of drunk opponents, while gifting stacks to just about anyone who knows what a stupidly predictable strategy these joker retards use.

Yep, turned out to be an underestimate... and every f uck ing last one of them thought they were being both 'cool' and original, monkeys!

#2 – The Fastest Poker Ever: The ultimate fast game will be invented. It will use your history of play from your last 100 sessions, combine this with random cards (and those of your opponents) and simply give you the result 3 seconds after the game starts. You’ll be able to play up to 100 games at once. I’m copyrighting this concept right now under the name of Wump Poker. That’s the sound a human body makes hitting the sidewalk after jumping from the 20th floor.

Wump or no wump, all-in every hand tournaments are now a thing, usually as promos for fish. I'm counting this as another correct prediction. 

#3 – US Poker: False hope will spread among the US poker playing community at least 6 times. PokerStars in New Jersey will create headlines like ‘300% increase’ (from the pitiful few to a temporary small crowd) and bills will be submitted in States which most people would need a map to locate. A federal ban will be dodged too. We will end 2015 the exact same as 2014, though the PPA will claim victory (again).

Hmmm, PokerStars is still to come, though there has been some false hope in Pennsylvania and CA too... well done PPA, really earned your golfing breaks yet again last year.

#4 – High Stakes Pros will swap bankrolls. That’s all. Some will win, others will lose, we will be impressed, and forget about it all within 2 days. Until the next report.

They only went and did it, up, down and up and down again - correct!

#5 – The WSOP Main Event: This will be won by a white male in his 20’s or 30’s. I know, I know, out there with this one.

Wow, how the fuc k did I manage to nail this? Joe McKeehen took it down! Might well double-down on this one for 2016!

#6 – Casino Snobbery: More poker pros will leave PokerStars in the wake of casino games being introduced. They will be applauded by the poker community, though the pros will be quietly laughing that 90% of the ‘casino games snobs’ would actually lose a lot less money playing games with a house edge than their usual poker games.

Pretty sure that the 'grinders strike' is plenty enough evidence that the small stakes pros are still completely detached from reality... I'm off to play some slots!

Feel free to add some of your own predictions (with your inside voice please, I mean, its not as if anyone really gives a shit).


PS, check out my new website, its really good (honest), all about gambling - 

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

If Poker was Other Hobbies...

Today, dear Melted Felt readers, I am going to delve deep into the world of that strange (and frankly pointless) phenomenon known as... other pastimes.

As strange as it may sound - for years now human beings have been doing things with their time other than playing poker. You know, getting out and about, meeting people... developing as human beings rather than multi-tabling robots... Here I look into these odd wastes of time called 'hobbies'... and see what they would look like if poker players were the main participants.

We start with a good walk spoiled in the form of Golf, where our online poker player goes into the final hole leading by 2 strokes. His sole opponent gets a lucky deflection off of a small rock, and *ping* lands within a foot of the pin - sinking his putt to snatch the match at the last moment. Of course, our poker player follows him around for the next 30 minutes hurling insults him, quoting his previous scores and reminding him that he will be a loser over the long run...

Our second online poker player takes up Sport Fishing, consistently coming in 4th to 6th in terms of number and weight of fishes caught. But do you know what? If he just had an average number of bites he could probably become a pro...

If Poker Players Collected Stamps?

Next to the high-adrenaline world of stamp collecting. Where our online poker player has just lost out in dollar terms after a couple of small trades. No problem of course - it is just time to move wayyy up in value to where fellow collectors respect his trading.

Chess has always been considered the ultimate mental test with levels of thinking running into unimaginable heights. Our poker player posted a position on a popular forum after moving his Queens Bishop to G6, only to see his opponent spring a well constructed trap and force mate in 4 moves... of course our poker player utterly rejected advice that he should have moved his Rook instead, after all he was very comfortable playing a bishop post-flop at this level, in fact he went on to insult the records of everyone who tried to help him and explain why his was the superior play - just for good measure, you fucking retards.

Finally we pop in to the retro-gamers club of New York State University, where an online poker player decided to enter the yearly Doom tournament... he lost of course, after all he was, erm, we really need to say it? you sure? ok then, Doomswitched (sigh).

Bringing this post back has just reminded me of an important message for the 90% of poker players who lose (thats ok, I know it is you, I won't tell anyone, you can continue to pretend to be a shark on 2+2)... anyway, my advice is this, play casino games, you'll lose slower and have the chance of a big windfall. Find out more at


Friday, 10 July 2015

Virtual WSOP Bracelet Reminds Everyone How Dull Online Poker Is

There was a little buzz, some timely clich├ęs and more than a little desperation among the hordes of journalists covering the World Series of Poker this year, deal Melted Felt readers.

This was the challenge of reporting on the brand new ‘online bracelet’.

After using up the words like ‘Historical’, ‘ground breaking’ and ‘inaugural’, the fact that the reports were on a series of anonymous screen names began to sink in.

Sure, we would find out who the players were – especially at the end when the final table moved over to a live event. At the same time a clash of hands between ‘Nate245’ and ‘BigFish78’ was never going to have the appeal of a match up between living, breathing pros at a featured table at the Rio.

Journalists cover the online games must be painfully aware of this already. With exciting reports of winners that the universe never knew it was supposed to give a shit about coming and going every week.

One thing that the online bracelet event did very well is to remind us all how agonizingly dull online poker is. Hats off to the miserable souls who think of themselves as ‘free’ sitting in front of monitors all day long clicking like a robot.

California Withdraw Poker Bills

Could the withdrawal of the 2 poker bills in neighboring CA really be a coincidence here?
I’d like to spread that little seed of doubt.

The one which says that they saw the online bracelet event, remembered what a painful and utterly dull experience online poker is, and said ‘fuck it, lets just keep the horse racing part of the bills’.

I guess we’ll never know…

Meanwhile, the US poker networks have changed position in terms of traffic considerably…


Sunday, 22 February 2015

Poker Site Closes After Raid by Seals With Clubs

Shocking news from the world of bitcoin poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Nobody likes to see a poker room closing, especially one where a select group of poker pros sit waiting all day for an unwitting bitcoin user to come along before raping them for their bankroll.

What makes this even more shocking is that there was a home visit to one of the owners.

Bryan Micon was apparently sitting at home, relaxing, and waiting for the next bitcoin fish to rape, when there was a knock at the door.

He answered, only to find out that his entire front lawn was covered in seals with clubs.

Big seals with big clubs, little fluffy white seals with those oh so cute big brown eyes with machetes, performing seals on podium balancing hand grenades on their noses, and a sea lion which was having something of an identity crisis.

‘It was like, scary’ said Micon via telepathic brain melding with Melted Felt HQ, ‘those seals were angry as hell’. ‘I did all I could to get word out to bring herring, and could only buy time with a couple of cans of tuna and half a fillet-o-fish which was left over’.

Micon then tried to escape back into the house, only for a particularly ugly seal with terrible fish-breath to break down the door, handcuff him and parade him in his underpants through Las Vegas.
Luckily, a quick thinking neighbor was able to diffuse the situation for long enough for Micon to make his escape by inflating a couple of beach balls and throwing them into the crowd.

As things stand, the poker site is down, though withdrawals are still possible – nobody knows for how long. Micon is now safely in Antigua, where he has employed a group of sharks (at exorbitant shark union rates) to patrol the waters for seals. At the time of writing it is unclear whether Calvin Ayre was standing by with his flock of knife-wielding parakeets.

Micon is said to be taking the technology which was used to found the bitcoin poker rape machine with him, and hoping to resume normal service as soon as possible. There are some serious questions being raised right now as to whether ’Monkeys with Bazookas’ is really the best choice of name…


ps: check out for no satire stories at all, I promise.

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Lock Poker Repayments Announced via the Liberia Poker Open

Finally, Lock Poker look set to pay out their long suffering players. It has been a long time, and there have been a lot of excuses, dear Melted Felt
readers, but things are finally looking up again.

What with all the banking restrictions in place in the US at the moment, Lock have been forced to find some alternative means of getting the cash returned.
Heading over to Europe with some wads of cash was considered, but ruled out once they realized that ex poker pro Annette Obrestad could potentially unleash
hordes of angry Norwegians armed with medium-sized herrings.

Instead there will be a poker tournament event to celebrate the return of everyone’s money, and closing the biggest single poker scam of the last few years once and for all.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, you are invited to come and play in the Lock Poker Liberia Poker Open.

This prestigious no-limit Holdem tournament is open to all Lock Poker players who are owed money completely free of charge, and will feature a $1,000,000 prize pool to compensate for the delays.

The date for your diaries is the 27th of November, and the venue is the incredibly sterile surroundings of the Medicines Sans Frontiers tent (that’s the 3rd marquee on the right), in the Ebola treatment center. Refreshments will be provided, though it is advised to bring some Imodium,
as there have been cholera outbreaks in the area recently. If you do happen to have a bio-suit, that’s all the better, though you’ll need to take off the mask when announcing all-ins as stipulated in part 7, section D of the tournament rules.

After the tournament is completed, a big press conference will be held, the winner of awarded a trophy and directions will be given for the return of the money owed to all players who turn up.

Melted Felt was lucky enough to get directions to the stall for the handouts, which is just behind the bathroom linked to the isolation ward, between the morgue and the place where they incinerate the bodies.

After this is completed, I hope we will not here anymore ‘whinging’ about Lock non-payments ever again, you fucking fish.


Wednesday, 24 September 2014

PokerStars Commission Survey Company to Survey the Lack of Responses to their Survey about Surveys

Relief is at hand, dear Melted Felt readers, from the barrage of surveys sent by the world most arrogant poker site – PokerStars.

Yes, the company who used to be good at customer service before they owned online poker has been having some trouble with their surveys… and is determined to get to the bottom of it.

After sending out nearly 700 surveys per player over the last few years, they were suffering from a shocking lack of engagement in the people responding to them. I mean, did these players not realize just how fucking important PokerStars were or something?

The answer came from the genius minds of the marketing department, you know, the same ones who still think that attracting eastern euros to grind the 1c / 2c games for a living makes for a really great poker economy…

It was to send out a survey.

Unfortunately, the idea fell flat.

It seemed at players just did not want to reply to a survey requesting feedback on how they felt about all those surveys. Even the promise of entry into a $2 all-in each hand tournament could not persuade people to give a flying one.

It went to management.

Now, even though the upper tiers are still prone to spontaneous fits of giggles when they remember buying Full Tilt, decisions do get made in the upper tiers.

It took time, though they got there in the end.

The only answer was to do a survey. You’ll be getting it any day now.

A new PokerStars survey, aimed at really getting to grips with the deep psychological reasons why the PokerStars survey about the effectiveness of PokerStars Surveys was a flop.

Knowing what a tight ship they run, I’m sure there is a survey in plan to find out all about the quality of this latest mailing.

Coming soon at Melted Felt:

- An interview with several pundits who were singing from the rooftops about how US poker was ‘Back in the Game!!!’ only 6- months ago about puppy dogs,
football and just about any subject other than poker (which is rigged anyway, right? RIGHT?)

- A really long gap, followed by a post harking back to bygone days when Melted Felt had readers.

- A ‘where are they now?’ feature which looks at all the ‘kids’ who dropped out of college to go ‘pro’ in 2009, finding them in trailer parks, flipping burgers and STILL believing that they were good, just unlucky.

- A link to High Tech Gambling (oops, that's already here)

Add to Technorati Favorites