Sunday, 22 February 2015

Poker Site Closes After Raid by Seals With Clubs

Shocking news from the world of bitcoin poker, dear Melted Felt readers. Nobody likes to see a poker room closing, especially one where a select group of poker pros sit waiting all day for an unwitting bitcoin user to come along before raping them for their bankroll.

What makes this even more shocking is that there was a home visit to one of the owners.

Bryan Micon was apparently sitting at home, relaxing, and waiting for the next bitcoin fish to rape, when there was a knock at the door.

He answered, only to find out that his entire front lawn was covered in seals with clubs.

Big seals with big clubs, little fluffy white seals with those oh so cute big brown eyes with machetes, performing seals on podium balancing hand grenades on their noses, and a sea lion which was having something of an identity crisis.

‘It was like, scary’ said Micon via telepathic brain melding with Melted Felt HQ, ‘those seals were angry as hell’. ‘I did all I could to get word out to bring herring, and could only buy time with a couple of cans of tuna and half a fillet-o-fish which was left over’.

Micon then tried to escape back into the house, only for a particularly ugly seal with terrible fish-breath to break down the door, handcuff him and parade him in his underpants through Las Vegas.
Luckily, a quick thinking neighbor was able to diffuse the situation for long enough for Micon to make his escape by inflating a couple of beach balls and throwing them into the crowd.

As things stand, the poker site is down, though withdrawals are still possible – nobody knows for how long. Micon is now safely in Antigua, where he has employed a group of sharks (at exorbitant shark union rates) to patrol the waters for seals. At the time of writing it is unclear whether Calvin Ayre was standing by with his flock of knife-wielding parakeets.

Micon is said to be taking the technology which was used to found the bitcoin poker rape machine with him, and hoping to resume normal service as soon as possible. There are some serious questions being raised right now as to whether ’Monkeys with Bazookas’ is really the best choice of name…


ps: check out for no satire stories at all, I promise.

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Online Poker Predictions for 2015

Well, I managed to do it before the end of January, so that counts, right?

You can check back at the end of the year and see how fucking right I was, dear Melted Felt readers. I’m making some bold predictions. Putting my reputation, the reputation of this blog, the reputation of my family, my friends and even my dog on the line here…

What is more, I’m doing it all for you (no, not the general ‘you’… I mean you specifically, yeah, you – the person reading this right now).

Anyway, enough intro, lets delve right in:

Melted Felt Online Poker Predictions for 2015

#1 – 26,703 new players will upload the ‘Joker’ from Batman as their player pic / avatar. They will consider themselves super-smart and super-tricky. They will suck air through their teeth about what a cool idea it was, oblivious to the quarter-million others who have already done this over the years. They will check with strong hands and bet with weak ones, tricking a couple of drunk opponents, while gifting stacks to just about anyone who knows what a stupidly predictable strategy these joker retards use.

#2 – The Fastest Poker Ever: The ultimate fast game will be invented. It will use your history of play from your last 100 sessions, combine this with random cards (and those of your opponents) and simply give you the result 3 seconds after the game starts. You’ll be able to play up to 100 games at once. I’m copyrighting this concept right now under the name of Wump Poker. That’s the sound a human body makes hitting the sidewalk after jumping from the 20th floor.

#3 – US Poker: False hope will spread among the US poker playing community at least 6 times. PokerStars in New Jersey will create headlines like ‘300% increase’ (from the pitiful few to a temporary small crowd) and bills will be submitted in States which most people would need a map to locate. A federal ban will be dodged too. We will end 2015 the exact same as 2014, though the PPA will claim victory (again).

#4 – High Stakes Pros will swap bankrolls. That’s all. Some will win, others will lose, we will be impressed, and forget about it all within 2 days. Until the next report.

#5 – The WSOP Main Event: This will be won by a white male in his 20’s or 30’s. I know, I know, out there with this one.

#6 – Casino Snobbery: More poker pros will leave PokerStars in the wake of casino games being introduced. They will be applauded by the poker community, though the pros will be quietly laughing that 90% of the ‘casino games snobs’ would actually lose a lot less money playing games with a house edge than their usual poker games.

Feel free to add some of your own predictions (with your inside voice please, I mean, its not as if anyone really gives a shit).


PS, check out my new website, its really good (honest), all about gambling - 

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Lock Poker Repayments Announced via the Liberia Poker Open

Finally, Lock Poker look set to pay out their long suffering players. It has been a long time, and there have been a lot of excuses, dear Melted Felt
readers, but things are finally looking up again.

What with all the banking restrictions in place in the US at the moment, Lock have been forced to find some alternative means of getting the cash returned.
Heading over to Europe with some wads of cash was considered, but ruled out once they realized that ex poker pro Annette Obrestad could potentially unleash
hordes of angry Norwegians armed with medium-sized herrings.

Instead there will be a poker tournament event to celebrate the return of everyone’s money, and closing the biggest single poker scam of the last few years once and for all.

Yes, dear Melted Felt readers, you are invited to come and play in the Lock Poker Liberia Poker Open.

This prestigious no-limit Holdem tournament is open to all Lock Poker players who are owed money completely free of charge, and will feature a $1,000,000 prize pool to compensate for the delays.

The date for your diaries is the 27th of November, and the venue is the incredibly sterile surroundings of the Medicines Sans Frontiers tent (that’s the 3rd marquee on the right), in the Ebola treatment center. Refreshments will be provided, though it is advised to bring some Imodium,
as there have been cholera outbreaks in the area recently. If you do happen to have a bio-suit, that’s all the better, though you’ll need to take off the mask when announcing all-ins as stipulated in part 7, section D of the tournament rules.

After the tournament is completed, a big press conference will be held, the winner of awarded a trophy and directions will be given for the return of the money owed to all players who turn up.

Melted Felt was lucky enough to get directions to the stall for the handouts, which is just behind the bathroom linked to the isolation ward, between the morgue and the place where they incinerate the bodies.

After this is completed, I hope we will not here anymore ‘whinging’ about Lock non-payments ever again, you fucking fish.


Wednesday, 24 September 2014

PokerStars Commission Survey Company to Survey the Lack of Responses to their Survey about Surveys

Relief is at hand, dear Melted Felt readers, from the barrage of surveys sent by the world most arrogant poker site – PokerStars.

Yes, the company who used to be good at customer service before they owned online poker has been having some trouble with their surveys… and is determined to get to the bottom of it.

After sending out nearly 700 surveys per player over the last few years, they were suffering from a shocking lack of engagement in the people responding to them. I mean, did these players not realize just how fucking important PokerStars were or something?

The answer came from the genius minds of the marketing department, you know, the same ones who still think that attracting eastern euros to grind the 1c / 2c games for a living makes for a really great poker economy…

It was to send out a survey.

Unfortunately, the idea fell flat.

It seemed at players just did not want to reply to a survey requesting feedback on how they felt about all those surveys. Even the promise of entry into a $2 all-in each hand tournament could not persuade people to give a flying one.

It went to management.

Now, even though the upper tiers are still prone to spontaneous fits of giggles when they remember buying Full Tilt, decisions do get made in the upper tiers.

It took time, though they got there in the end.

The only answer was to do a survey. You’ll be getting it any day now.

A new PokerStars survey, aimed at really getting to grips with the deep psychological reasons why the PokerStars survey about the effectiveness of PokerStars Surveys was a flop.

Knowing what a tight ship they run, I’m sure there is a survey in plan to find out all about the quality of this latest mailing.

Coming soon at Melted Felt:

- An interview with several pundits who were singing from the rooftops about how US poker was ‘Back in the Game!!!’ only 6- months ago about puppy dogs,
football and just about any subject other than poker (which is rigged anyway, right? RIGHT?)

- A really long gap, followed by a post harking back to bygone days when Melted Felt had readers.

- A ‘where are they now?’ feature which looks at all the ‘kids’ who dropped out of college to go ‘pro’ in 2009, finding them in trailer parks, flipping burgers and STILL believing that they were good, just unlucky.

- A link to High Tech Gambling (oops, that's already here)

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

New Jersey Online Poker Revenues Surge After Misclick

Some great news to report today, contrasting with an otherwise bleak start to the much hyped State-by-State roll-out of online poker in the US.

Yes, Dear Melted Felt readers, New Jersey saw as 34.6% rise in their online poker revenue during July. This prompted many US poker writes to jump onto their laptop to write another thinly veiled attempted to convince us that that metaphorical Norwegian Blue is, in fact, alive and kicking.

Only the euphoria was short lived.

Yes, it turned out to be a misclick.

You see, Dave Morrison, 28, from Millville, NJ was enjoying a game of online poker the other night, safe in the knowledge that this was regulated and taxed, that the IRS would have full access to his win / loss record and the NSA to his check-raise percentage… when an accident occurred.

He had called a bet in the big blind with some suited cards, hoping to slow play a flush on a paired board. All was going great in the hand, with only two more diamonds sure to give him the pot against an opponent who was bound to be bluffing. He just clicked over to his browser for a second, to check on some *ahem* educational videos and *boom* the poker table appeared on top again. Just at that second his mouse was over the ‘call’ button and he found himself all-in.

Unfortunately Dave did not get his diamonds, and the pot went to his opponent, who had a gutshot straight draw and paired his six on the river.

By pushing the rake for that pot up to $2.25c, all hell broke loose among hordes of out of work US poker journalists.

This was it!

The turning point was here!

The full glory of US online poker was about to return!

Revenues had increased, month-on-effing-month!

Until Dave owned up to his error.

Now it is back to the same old blame game mixed with hopeless optimism. Just to sell a crummy article to a website nowadays takes some extreme new scapegoat… I can see the headlines for the Fall already.

“Slow take-up of US Online Poker Blamed on Gay Marriage”

“Proof: Climate Change Responsible for Delaware Card Room Declines”

“Sheldon Ashton Laughs So Hard His Colostomy Bag Bursts”

Oh well, at least we have the same old white males in their 20s and 30s making up the November 9 to give us something to talk about… no… wait.

Never mind, back to breaking even in sit n goes but for the rakeback.


Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Holdem Manager 2 Blackjack Edition To Be Released Soon

Full Tilt Poker recently released casino games including blackjack, dear Melted Felt readers. While I saw right through their ploy of trying to get their retarded players to lose a little slower by building in a house-edge, this did not stop me having a try. In fact I was able to use all my skill, cunning and ability to read a blackjack strategy chart to lose my money slightly slower than the other people playing… the best result I could possibly have expected!

With 4 other players in the game, you might start to wonder about their tendencies, their leaks and just how often they go to showdown.

Well, wonder no longer – those helpful chaps at Holdem Manager are developing a HUD system to help you mock your opponents in the Full Tilt blackjack games, while feeling superior to them for losing at the slowest possible rates.

Here are some of the stats that will be displayed:

VIPID: Voluntarily Put In Double – We know since you can’t really play without VPIPing, VIPD is a better measure of looseness. You should be doubling down around 11% of the time over a significant sample size, and any deviation from this will show you that the particular player is LAG or particularly passive. If you are acting after one of these players you can slightly screw your nose at their score, then continue as you were – since what they did actually makes no difference to you what so ever.

WTS%: The 'went to showdown' percentage gives you a lot of information about a blackjack player, anyone with too high a percentage is probably not hitting enough on 12’s or 13’s. This is valuable information for those who like to snort when someone else busts.

3-Split %: Many players will split, particularly against a dealer 5 or 6, some brave souls will even resplit their split (assuming it was not aces, which only split once). The 3-Split% relates directly to those players who go the whole way and split for the 3rd time, giving themselves 4 hands to lose to the dealer’s runner-runner-runner 21 with.

Attempt To Steal: Stealing when you have a 16 is so obviously suicidal that even complete blackjack fish know better. This HUD Stat instead shows attempt to steal the dealer’s 10 when on 5th base. Hitting on a bad card, taking the 10 that would have busted the dealer and then seeing him hit that miracle 6 is not only proof that you are a retard who ruined the hand for the entire table – but proof that the people calling you a retard have no real clue about the random distribution of cards and would be better of quitting completely and taking up golf instead.

A stat to assist with card counting was considered, then abandoned when the HM2 development team realized that your average poker player starts to get confused when they run out of fingers.

Fining Your Own Leaks

Holdem Manager (Blackjack Edition) will also have a special feature to use your own database of hands to spot your own leaks. My recommendation is that you look the difference between your blue line and your red line, and try to understand that any positive result in the green is just pure fucking chance and will not last over any significant sample size.

If you play really well, then you can compare the losses on blackjack to those from poker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I know, poker is a game of skill and not gambling at all… blah blah blah, just be honest with yourself for a moment will you, blackjack might just be the game to help you lose that money a little less slowly…


Thursday, 30 January 2014

Fastest Online Poker Games (Stupid Fast Edition)


Poker, dear Melted Felt readers, has got fast enough.

Oh yeah, it started innocently enough… a turbo here and a ‘speed’ there. Before we knew it time banks were tiny, blinds were going up faster and antes were leaving your stack faster than you could rake in pots.

Then Full Tilt started the great speed-up-poker arms race, conveniently just before they went broke and crashed into 18 months of oblivion. Rush Poker cut out the waiting time between hands by pooling players together, though even this was not the end of the escalation.

Hyper-Turbo tournaments followed, then Rush got emulated around the world, with Zoom, Speed Holdem and, erm, well, Strobe? *ahem* Anyway, there were soon tournaments in this format, and 2x and 3x turbos where you could buy back in for 1/3rd of a small blind…

Now, in 2014, things have started to get silly.

Adrenaline Rush Poker sees Rush cut down to 10 blinds with no pesky post-flop play to slow things down.

Twister Sit N Goes at iPoker give you random prize pools, 3 handed hyper turbos (with antes!) and enough fish to drive you absolutely fucking nuts.

I have seen enough.

How about we just get to the natural end of this process already and stop messing around with increments? Look Poker sites, you know that we know that you know that we know that you know that all you want is our fucking money… so come on, take it, take it fast and take it all.

Just to speed up the speeding up process I came up with 3 poker games which are so fast that if you sneeze you might miss them.

Fastest Poker Games Online #1 – Bankroll Refresh Holdem

Instead of messing around with cards, I am suggesting we just put a big red ‘Play’ button next to each player’s balance in the cashier. Whenever this is clicked, their bankroll either goes up a bit, or down a bit. We could make it more exciting with the occasional big win. To make it feel like a game of skill there should be some cards dealt (quickly, of course) and some chip noises.

To give it that real world effect how about adding a chat box where someone randomly pops up and calls the player a retard now and again?

Fastest Poker Games Online #2 – JD Speedball Poker

This one is a bit of an online / offline hybrid and would involve taking a serious amount of Crystal Meth, Opiates and washing them down with a bottle of Jack Daniels. When you wake up you’ll find that you have played a million hands of holdem, with your strategy decided by which keyboard buttons your head
falls onto when you pass out. You’ll be able to check your balance which will be displayed in extra big letters, along with the address of your nearest ER clinic.

Fastest Poker Games Online #3 – Large Hadron Collider Ass-Chip Challenge

Alright, this one is not online at all, but man, that beam in the collider is fast, and I mean really fast. Here is how I imagine the LHCACC to go:

First the player chooses a Texas Holdem hand, which is to be held firmly between their teeth.

Next they bend forward until their head is at the place where the beams of the Collider cross and the dealer shoves their buy-in into their ass using small denomination chips.

The beams are then started and collide inside the player’s head. The remaining chips in his ass are then counted and double this is returned to the player, along with 7 frequent player points.

Sounds fucking fast to me.


Friday, 17 January 2014

PokerStars Software Update Shows Players On The John

PokerStars already own poker on the desktop and laptop, dear Melted Felt readers, and with a new software update they are aiming to own mobiles and tablets too.

What many players are not aware of is a special algorithm which can detect when you are sat on the toilet. This changes your mobile avatar to a picture of the john, so that your opponents will know your focus might be on other things.

Insider sources are telling me that a patent has been filed to use the subtle changes in skin conductivity combined with bet sizing dara to tell the world whether you are sat for a number 1, 2 or have been ‘rearranging the furniture’ down there recently… though we are not too sure what the on-screen icon for the latter will be.

Party Poker are expected to fight back by making really sh1t strategic decisions and losing more of their market share.


Monday, 16 December 2013

Lock Poker Take On Mandela Signer To Solve Withdrawal Issues

It has been a long week, dear Melted Felt readers, where greedy entitled lazy cunts all around the world have likened their quest to get more for doing less with the lifelong struggles of Nelson Mandela.

At least the sad death of such an epic guy had a happy ending for one individual.

With the scandal fake deaf signer Thamsanqa Jantjie still reverberating around the echo chamber of online news, we are happy to announce that he has found a new job in the poker industry.

Thamsanga has accepted the role of heading up withdrawals at Lock Poker, and will start as soon as he comes out of hiding.

You may be surprised at this appointment, but insiders are almost certainly not.

He has all the right qualifications, including:

-          - The balls to stand up in front of billions of people talking absolute nonsense (well, signing, but hey, that’s good enough for Lock).

-          - A prior conviction for Theft.  (ok, he did get caught, but nobody is perfect)

-        -   Got away with Murder. (probably!)

-          - Trusted enough to stand with world leaders including Obama. (as long as nobody checks)

Lock are 100% confident that Thamsanga will have the payout issues solved and the poker site back on track within days.

If not, well, it was all the Revolution Gaming network’s fault, and a rogue payment processor and some dodgy players pretending to be affiliates and… what issues? There are no fucking issues! Just one or two people, no big deal, they created the problem for themselves by doing something wrong, nope, we can’t tell you what, of course our payments are among the fastest in the industry… Just ask Tham.


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