Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Wednesday, 30 October 2013
Friday, 25 October 2013
Anyway, this is the paragraph where I summarize the week’s news and tell you how fucking exciting it is. Whoop whoop, its great this week, awesome, poker is really very interesting, no, you are not dull at all, poker players are balla, I mean, whooo, cool and everything.
I’ll crack on with the roundup then.
Negreanu Wins Poker Beard Of The Year Award
Despite some stiff competition from whiskered poker players around the world, motor mouthed Negreanu’s rather thin though delicately trimmed beard has won him the ultimate accolade of Poker Beard of The Year 2013.
It was a close call, McEnvoy threatened to write more of his atrocious books if his grey fuzz did not get some votes. Sklansky got his lawyer involved to verify that less than 10% of his beard was made up of the pubes of women half his age, and late contender Annette Obrestadt was disqualified after it was found her mustache was actually chocolate milkshake.
Tom Dwan has threatened to enter the race next year… if someone could please tell him exactly how one grows a beard?
Indian Court Declares Poker A Game Of Skill
I’m surprised this one did not make the headlines, since poker players are usually so anal about their ‘skill’ element (even though 95% of them would be financially better off playing casino games).
Anyway, this was a high up court, and has set a useful precedent for this country of almost a billion people. We are still waiting for the outcome of a test case to find out whether forum spamming is skill or luck…
Big One For The Drop Back In 2014
Good news for people who have a spare million, the ‘Big One For The Drop’ will return in 2014 with its charitable dual mandate of providing clean drinking water to people without access, and showing average poker players just how fucking poor and insignificant they really are.
56 people will demonstrate just how pathetic your lives are with the winner probably taking home more than the $18 million bagged by the beardless Antonio Esfandiari in 2012. Participants may be required to sign a declaration that they do not see any irony whatsoever in drinking Evian during the event…
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Not the usual cutting edge news today... instead a list of 101 things that make me tilt. If you have any more then let me know, get enough and we can have a follow up '30 more things....' sort of thing.... anyway, no further intro required.
101 Things That Make Me TILT!
1 - Opponents who constantly flat call raises
2 - Typing OMG in the chat box when you lose a 65% / 35% shot
3 - Making a Minus 15 Dollar ev call at the bubble of a SNG then typing 'knew you were bluffing'
4 - Limping Aces
5 - Min Raising Aces
6 - Typing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ into the chat box
7 - Baby Photos At Stars, Your baby is NOT FUCKING Beautiful
8 - Dog Photos at Stars (could be a cat too - do not want to be petist)
9 - Star-wars influenced Screen names, FFS this stopped being cool in 1982!
10 - Claiming poker is rigged when you lose pair vs overpair hand... do you actually know what 20% means?
11 - Typing TY into the chatbox when nobody said 'nice hand'
12 - Short Stacking
13 - Sitting in a Limit game with 700 big bets in front of you
14 - Typing 'Only at XXXXX Poker' when you bust from a tourney (insert site of your choice)
15 - When you fold the big blind getting 3/1 or even 4/1 with antes against a short-stack shove late in a tourney
16 - When you insta-call my all in with KJ sooted
17 - Screen names containing any variations of teddy and KGB
18 - Bad beat stories of any form at any fucking time
19 - Typing 'only online' in the chat box
20 - Screen names containing the words pimp / daddy etc
21 - Pictures of women who would not even notice you existed - ever - as your screen photo
22 - Playing any 2 suited cards
23 - Min-raising out of position after 4 limpers
24 - Acting like you were Phil Fucking Ivey in a $3 poker tournament
25 - French Players
26 - Reload bonuses which take 500 hours to clear
27 - The adverts which pop up when you switch off poker sites when your boss walks past
28 - People who berate fish online... Do you ACTUALLY KNOW where the money comes from??!?
29 - Anyone who tries to convince you that online poker is really truly rigged, honest, just look at my 600 game donkey-play sample for proof
30 - Typing Jokerstars into the chat box
31 - Believing Ace-jack is an unbeatable monster
32 - Calling your opponents 'bingo players' at the bubble of a SNG with <10 blinds="" br="">33 - Raise-folding at that same bubble with 6 blinds yourself
34 - Thinking that any one form of poker is superior to any other, get a life!!
35 - When you give a walk to those medium stacks at the bubble of an MTT
36 - People who ask for private freeroll passwords in the chat
37 - Beggars at the high (or any) stakes tables asking for cash online
38 - Those who think aces give then a fundamental right to a double-up
39 - Eyes in screen photos on Stars / Party
40 - That dumb surfer avatar at Full Tilt
41 - People who limp too many buttons
43 - Those who post coolers / bad-beats onto forums in the guise of asking for strategy advice
44 - Anyone who plays any ace, any where, any time
45 - People who start talking about M, ranges and / or ICM in the chat in a low limit game
46 - Threatening opponents with physical violence in the online chat box - I mean, WFT!!!
47 - Last longer bets...
48 - Typing 'of course' when you have a pair vs Ace-x and the ace hits (aka, not really understanding what 30% means)
49 - Anyone typing 'put you on 99' (for example) based only on a standard pre-flop raise.
50 - Those who join freerolls when blind away because they forgot all about it
51 - Actually make that anyone who plays freerolls ever too
52 - Overcalling a raise, re-raise, 4 bet all-in, call of that 4 bet... with Ace-8 suited
53 - Whining in general in that chat box
54 - Screen pictures of close up eyes
55 - Raising all but one chip
56 - Challenging opponents to heads-up matches you KNOW you can not afford
57 - Offering your opponent 4/1 on an all-in call then berating them for making it
58 - Titan Poker's 'tournament starting' alerts with 5000 pop-up messages
59 - People who type NH every fucking time
60 - Those who call with no pair, no draw and spike their miracle card on the turn
61 - People who think playing at UB is morally reprehensible, yet millions of children dying of easily preventable diseases evry year is just 'one of those things'.
62 - Anyone telling a fish that there is such a thing as VPIP
63 - A big stack at the bubble of a tournament who makes it their personal mission to double up every single short stack at the table
64 - A big stack at the bubble (of a satellite especially) who gives the short-stacked big blind a constant 'walk'
65 - The hoody avatar at Cake Poker
66 - Open limpers in 6-max cash games
67 - Anyone who tries to chat-up the 'ladies' in an online poker game (For fucks sake, there is a minimum 75% chance you are smooth talking some hairy bloke!)
68 - Players who constantly overbet the pot
69 - Complaining that you always bust on coinflips when you actually take several in a row
70 - Trying to look 'tough' by having a scary / horror picture as your avatar
71 - The fact that, even with 2 gig of memory, I can not play at PKR Poker
72 - Typing ZZZZZZZ into the chat box when it is damn obvious your opponent has disconnected
73 - Taking of disconnections nothing worse than losing your internet completely while at the bubbles of 8 $20 SNGs (yep, really)
74 - People from outside of England who display badges of English football teams... just.... WHY?75 - Anyone who mini-raises every hand
76 - Anyone who mini-raises only with aces / kings... and then gets upset when everyone calls and someone doubles up after outflopping them
77 - People who do not adjust to the relative hand strengths in Omaha Poker, but manage to complain when their aces are inevatably cracked.
78 - Going slow to let the blinds go up in a SNG tournament
79 - Anyone who actually believes in a 'Cash Out Curse'
80 - Poker players who believe that they are really really good, just a little unlucky
81 - Saying what you folded after the hand, especially when it was junk that would have made an unlikely straight, for example... "folded 6-3" on a final board of A-4-K-5-7
82 - Pausing an unduly long time before folding EVERY TIME when defending your big blind
83 - The 'Clapping' Animated Smiley at Carbon Poker
84 - Blogs / Forums which contain nothing but bad beats and whining
85 - Set over set
86 - Rabbit Cams (the ones which show what the flop / turn / river would have been)
87 - Anyone who offers to 'chop' at the end of a $5 Multi-table SNG
88 - The chat box morons who rail the 'big name' pros at Full Tilt Poker
89 - Anyone using a lord of the rings picture or name at the table
90 - Players who donk bet the minimum after calling in a 3-bet muli-way pot
91 - Opponents who disconnect, then come back for 1 hand, then disconnect again (repeat!)
92 - Calling the chat moderator service at Poker Stars
93 - Check mini-raising the flop
94 - Showing your big-blind rags when folded to
95 - Showing your strong hands, draws, bluffs or anything else for that matter
96 - Saying GG to every player as they bust, even though they did not even hint at anyfriendliness throughout the game
97 - Pictures of Stu Ungar on Poker Stars
98 - Anyone posting on a forum asking whether their 300% ROI over 167 games or 19PTBB / 100 over 6k hands is good enough for them to 'go pro'
99 - Players who are completely incapable of folding once they have entered a pot (but only if they hit)
100 - Pictures of a pair of aces at Stars... bet you thought it was so fucking original eh?
101 - The thing that tilts me most of all, more than anything else in the world - is YOU.
Lemme know if you have more...
Friday, 6 September 2013
The Truth Behind McCain’s iPhone Poker Game
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Sunday, 18 August 2013
It's celebration time here at the sprawling megolopolis which is Melted Felt HQ. You see, the more *serious* side of the poker press (properly serious you understand, not just compared to the banal waffling which is Melted effing Felt)... have finally caught on that Rakeback is, well, a really sh1t revenue model. I was saying this 4 years ago folks, in my more *serious* sites as well as right here. You looked at me like I was some form of idiot back then (probably true, but that's another story). Now, 4 years later, Amer-i-c-a finally catches on...and starts with the anti-rakeback articles - 'it could never have worked!' they proudly proclaim, like it is some sort of revelation... duh, well, who-d-a-fuvking-though-it???
I know, I know - dear Melted Felt readers - every single one of you woke up this morning thinking the same damn thing... when (oh, when) will Melted Felt re-write the Major General's song from HMS Pinafore to relate (and we mean really relate) to the life of a rakeback poker professional??
Well, we could pretend to be shocked at the co-incidence of all of you waking up thinking the same thing... or we could just crack on with those lyrics, dear little buttercups.
The Modern Rake Professional's Song.
By Gilbert, Sullivan and, erm, Mark
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional,
I've information, HUDs, and reads, and poker moves positional,
I know the kings from aces, and I quote the odds historical
From flushes, straights to gutshots, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical,
I understand fold equity, both simple and quadratical,
About the zeebo theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many cheerful facts on reverse implied odds for you.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus;
I read the poker book which detailed mathematic-us:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.
I know the poker history, Moneymakers's and Doyle Brunson's;
I delight in value towning, I've a pretty taste to check the nuts,
I quote in online forums, the crimes of Russel Hamiltons,
In chat I diss the fishes, berate donkeys and the donators;
I can tell undoubted poker pros from mouthy novice wannabies,
I know the croaking chorus saying 'rigged!' bemoaning oh-the Jokerstars!
Then I can smell a bluff attempt on which 3rd pair I hit afore,
And 'ty' in the chatbox as the pot is shipped to me of course.
Then I can write a bar bill in megalithic size and form,
And tell you ev'ry detail of dancers sequined uniform:
In short, in matters tactical, mathematical, and foldable,
I am the very model of a modern rake-professional.
PS: No complaints, or I'll do the phantom of the f-in opera...
Wednesday, 7 August 2013
After a seemingly endless string of finger pointing, lame exuses and squeeky voiced CS reps confidently saying 'It will be with you tomorrow, honest' the truth of the matter has finally emerged. The Feds are sitting rifling through your tax returns, your mom's credit card statements and full details of all 7 of your account - and they are ready to send you the money, well, sort of.
Here is how the Full Tilt bankroll remission process will work:
You see, it turned out that, while Full Tilt owed you $10,000, Full Tilt's cousin, Bill, owed them that exact same amount... so, it like totally makes sense for to save the administration, and just have Bill owe you the $10k - right?
There are a couple of very small problems.
One is that Bill does not particularly like exactly the sort of spotty, greasy, skinny math geeks who built up bankrolls on FTP in the first place. He is a self-proclaimed ladies man, and simply does not believe that calling someone a 'retard' in a chat box anonymously, from 500 miles away is any way for a real man to behave.
Secondly, Bill might not actually have the cash with him, as in on his person, right now... I mean, he does have it, safe and sound, ready to hand over my good friend, ready for you. It's just at his friend Paul's house, across town, and well, Paul just got a short stretch in the lockup, and his girl, she is not too fond of Bill at all, no sir.
Don't worry though, the official Federally administered process of getting what you are owed back from Full Tilt Poker's cousin still stands. There is an official form to fill in for exactly this eventuality, you just need to get it signed and then witnessed by your state tax office.
What Did Full Tilt Say?
We asked Full Tilt why they passed everyones money to their cousin - a completely imaginary spokesman replied that "It clearly states in the Terms and Conditions signed by all players who join that we can change the terms and conditions whenever the f*ck we like" adding "we added clause 12.B.ii.a just the other day, stating that any money owed can be passed to our cousin for safekeeping" and "Paul will be out of prison in only 6 months and will sort everyone's money out then, assuming his girlfriend did not suspect that the huge box marked 'Cash For Full Tilt Remissions' in their lounge was actually full of money...".
Asked whether they planned to offer any payout options which did not involve their cousin, Full Tilt replied that they were looking closely into wrapping your deposits in slightly moldy out of date bacon and tossing it to a pack of stray dogs.